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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stuck between my son and daughter in law.

256 replies

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 17:38

I have had a festive name change, because I am totally ashamed of my son.

My daughter in law is pregnant (they're not married, but I see her as a daughter and very much part of the family) and I could throttle my son for putting me in this position.

So far he is not stepping up to be the man I hoped I had raised, resulting in daughter in law asking him to leave. So he has shown up at our house as he has nowhere else to go.

He has always been quite the drinker. But with him going to be a father, we had all hoped he would pull round. This is not the case so far so my daughter in law has kicked him out until he can prove he'll prioritise their family.

I totally understand her reasoning. He has been drinking on less nights of the week.

However, I am utterly appalled. Last month he brought an ex of his round to our house (myself and my husband were in bed). I heard voices in the morning and saw her leave.

I had words with my son and he really apologised. He said he'd had too much to drink, which I don't think is an excuse. But I didn't know if I should tell my daughter in law.

Anyway, I didn't tell her as I haven't seen her. However last week it has happened again with a different girl.

He claims things are over with daughter in law, but I did ring her to see how she was getting on and she maintained they are together but he isn't welcome in her home until he proves himself.

She has no idea what he is doing. I feel stuck between them. I ask myself if I should be getting involved - I'm 60, my son 30. But I feel as though he is disrespecting both myself and my daughter in law.

The impact this could have on them being a family is huge. Should I tell her or should I stay out of it?

And how can I stop him bringing ex girlfriends back?

So to go to the vote, am I being unreasonable to keep it quiet if I can prevent it happening again, for the sake of their family?

OP posts:

Tinkobell · 19/12/2019 19:25

My reaction is 3 things that you can do:-

tell him to go to an alcohol support group such as AA. He clearly does have an issue with drink and probably needs support to kick this addiction. A proper drinker can't just stop without support.
say no ex GF's under your roof. Your house your rules.
say that you will not sabotage his relationship with his partner, but if she asks you if you are seeing other women, you will not lie for him under any circumstances and he has to deal with that risk.

AnotherEmma · 19/12/2019 19:25

You should advise your DIL to get a full sexual health screening, and not to have sex with your son.

That will tell her everything she needs to know without actually telling her, if that makes sense.

And you should kick your son out.

Fcukthisshit · 19/12/2019 19:30

What a difficult situation. I’d be telling your son not to bring any women home under any circumstances but I don’t think I’d kick him out. What about suggesting some counselling between the 2 of them?

Shockers · 19/12/2019 19:32

If you hide the truth from her and she finds out, you risk your relationship with her, and your future grandchild.

I would ask him to leave. Tell him you will support him with his alcohol dependency, but absolutely not in the hurting of your DIL.

Then I would tell her the same.

DonaldTrumpsChopper · 19/12/2019 19:32

Time for a few ground rules. If he's staying in your house, he stops drinking, and stops bring random women back.

And if he doesn't tell her it's over, you'll tell her.

And, yes, I would kick him out. He's not a teenager.

Tinkobell · 19/12/2019 19:32

This does smack of alcoholism to me. It is a disease of the body, mind and morals. It literally hijacks the good person that we think we once knew so well...so you no longer recognise them. People do stuff because they don't give a shit about life anymore ....just drink. Has he or would he admit to his problem with drink? He needs to recognise the total lack of control this has led him to and seek support very soon - AA or Smart Recovery are both good.

Genevieva · 19/12/2019 19:34

YANBU to keep what has happened so far quiet, but realistically you can't carry on doing this. You need to make it clear that he is not allowed to bring guests back to your house, that he has responsibilities and that you see him living with you as a temporary measure while he pulls himself together. If he fails to show any interest in growing up then you will throw him out. Tell him that he needs to get professional help for his alcoholism and he needs to mend communications with his girlfriend.

Raphael34 · 19/12/2019 19:37

It annoys me in situations like this where people point out the std situation and it gets ignored as people thinks it’s a non issue and will never happen to them. My oh had a me night stand, 8 months later me and our baby daughter I was breastfeeding ended up hospitalised due to the stinking disease be brought home. Start paying attention to what people are telling you op. Your grandchild’s life’s at stake

Tinkobell · 19/12/2019 19:39

Go to Al Anon and consider getting support for yourself OP. Life supporting a drinker is unbelievably tough and requires experience and knowledge.

Niki93 · 19/12/2019 19:39

He sounds like a man child. Tell him you wond stand for it under your roof and if he wants to shag about (whilst his current partner is at home carrying his child) then he best get flat hunting cause you won’t have him in the house.

Also tell him how disrespectful he’s been, and that he’s selfish for putting you in this position, and that if he doesnt tell her what hes done, then you will. By the sounds of it hes tried to pull the wool over your eyes saying they’ve finished when they clearly havnt, and he’ll soon shit himself if he knows youve spoken to your daughter in law and might tell her. He’s taking advantage of the situation. Gets to stay at mams house, possibly rent free, tea on the table, can continue to drink, bring girls home whilst his girlfriend is at home pregnant trying to hope he’ll come back a changed man. Get him telt! He’s bloody 30 with a child on the way. Not 19 single and living at home! X

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 19/12/2019 19:41

He's 30. He has a job and is expecting a child. Of course, you can ask him to leave.
The choice is between a relationship with your grandchild or allowing your DS to think you condone him treating women like shit and drinking. Time to toughen up.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/12/2019 19:43

He is 30. He has a job. He has a baby on the way. It is the hardest but best thing to do - tell him to leave. Get an apartment of his own if he wants to live like a single man. Let him pay for it. Right now your thoughts must be what is best for the baby on the way. He/she will need a father. Help your son start to grow up.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/12/2019 19:44

Yup. Even if he doesn't infect her with something, she will know that the OP took the risk that she would be. That's not forgivable.

lisag1969 · 19/12/2019 19:46

Tell him his wife wants to work things out. He needs to try and save his family and see what he says.

Rachelle1980 · 19/12/2019 19:46

our baby daughter I was breastfeeding ended up hospitalised due to the stinking disease be brought home that's awful!

In my uncles case when he got older his mum had to come clean about what happened (re almost total deafness) as he started asking questions. "Your dad was sleeping with prostitutes while I was having you" isn't exactly something you want to find out about as a child is it!

lisag1969 · 19/12/2019 19:48

If he says he's not going to work it out with her. Tell her. X

xlkhs · 19/12/2019 19:52

You absolutely must tell her for the sake of her health and the baby’s health.

You can guarantee that if he’s done this under your nose, he’s done it before. She needs to know to protect her health.

No advice re what to do with him - very difficult. Rehab perhaps.

Bluebutterfly90 · 19/12/2019 19:57

Sit her down and tell her you are ashamed of how your son is acting, but that you want to be in your grandchilds life and to support her. You need to tell her about what he is doing, as he could pass something on to her and the baby and that would be so much harder to live with if that happened.
It's not easy to kick your son out, and I think perhaps you should tell him you're considering it and give him one last chance to get his act together.
Good luck OP

Mrsmadevans · 19/12/2019 19:59

Tell him to go and move in with the ex . You shouldn't have to bail your useless son out at his age . He needs to grow up .

MimiCaeger · 19/12/2019 20:00

I’m not normally one for interfering but sti’s Can cause miscarriage so you need to tell dil

CallmeAngelina · 19/12/2019 20:00

What the hell are you thinking, allowing (by turning a blind eye to) him bringing random women back to your house to shag?

nobodyimportant · 19/12/2019 20:03

I would try and make him tell her but if he won't then you need to. She needs to know to protect her (and the baby) from potentially being exposed to STDs. I would also make it clear to her how disappointed you are in him and that you will be there to support her. She must be feeling so vulnerable right now, especially if she doesn't have a supportive family on her side.

I suspect you have made life a bit too easy for him. It sounds like learning to stand on his own two feet would do him the world of good.

Original poster

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 20:03

Thank you again for your replies. Its been a horrendous couple of hours.
My daughter (I didn't know she knew) has told daughter in law.
Daughter in law visited briefly, very very upset and tearful. It transpires he went of and picked an ex up because he didn't want to acknowledge her request of stumping up half for a pram.
I'm distraught at this news. She saw a second hand pram, top of the range one was £1500. This one was £250. She asked him for half the money and he went to the pub and brought home an ex.
She knows I knew, and when I apologised she snapped "it's the least of my worries."

My son isn't going to step up is he.

I'm doubly devastated to read your comments as my father was an alcoholic. He had been successful all of his life. And the last 20 years went to ruin. I looked after him the best I could, but my son was occasionally around it.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:

namina · 19/12/2019 20:03

Tell her! It's good to hear that a mother won't condone her sons bad behaviour. My ex mother in law couldn't see any wrong in him doing similar things and always made excuses about his drinking habits. For example he works 6 days a week, he's stressed and he has lost his dad. Years on she is still the same. Now years later he's a rubbish dad, daily drinker and addicted to drugs. He lives with her and she still treats him like a ten year old.

Original poster

JingleJingleBelly · 19/12/2019 20:04

And again, he brought the girl round late at night, myself and my husband were in bed. We wouldn't have known only I heard them rattling with the gates in the morning before we got up

OP posts:

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