Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

@Nanajadus
I remember when my two started school, they also went through a phase of trying out behaviours, and of being rude, moody and disobedient. They were, 1. Knackered, and 2. Trying things out. It was perfectly simple with neurotypical children to feed them earlier, get them to bed, and make it quite clear that regardless of what their friends say their parents tolerate, this behaviour was not accepted in this house, and impose consequences.

I think it sounds as though you are doing everything you can OP. I always struggle with knowing how to stop behaviour in school...I'm not there. You can give them strategies you use at home, let your son know you support the school, sanction at home. You are doing all that. Ultimately the school need to deal with it in the moment. If the usual strategies aren't working for them then they need to think outside the box.

My son swore in school...the school were very upset and asked where he could have heard it...no question it was as the skate park...turns out I should just have let him sit on the iPad playing fruit ninja.

I am sorry I didn’t read all your messages . I just read the first two and last two pages. If school is providing 1 on 1 support there must be extremely disruptive behaviour .

There are few things that you can do

1. get him assessed by senco and see if any flags for any special learning needs
2. Book behaviour management classes for you and your partner- I think GPS can refer
3. discuss with GP about Camhs referral

www.parentmap.com/article/school-vs-home-your-childs-two-personas

Jesus Notodontidae - you can get away with one parent but it’s not ideal? how sanctimonious can you get?!

Mrssoap my six year old goes to sleep at nine. She does go up about eight but Fanny’s around for ages in her room. Any earlier and it would be the same.

I’d go in to the school and complain about the teacher telling some random mother to approach you. That’s not fair when you have no idea who it is and can imagine would cause anxiety at school pick up. That’s not on.

I had dyslexia and dyscalculia in school and was a little shite as I just couldn’t keep up. School lessons bored me because I lost track easily of what they were doing. Have they had a really good look at this with your son?

Sounds like your doing your best. Just like dual parents do! I brought up dd1 by myself and she’s 24 and literally flying round the world with her job. Waving the flag for single parents!

Not all kids are angels and at least his home is a safe haven and a place he can relax.

I would have a look at changing school, it does seem that what ever they have in place isn’t working as not everyone is working to the same goal. The teacher can’t deal with him and should not have put you in a position where you could be put into a difficult situation. Good luck with everything x

@mbosnz
Totally agree. Not tollerated in this house either.
My granddaughter is the only child in a family of five.
I'm obviously old school and little one was with me till she started school September.
There is quite a bit of distance, so I now only see her weekends, or less.
My daughter was a full time working mum and now struggles.
I'm pleased to hear though, this is rather normal.

It was perfectly simple with neurotypical children to feed them earlier, get them to bed, and make it quite clear that regardless of what their friends say their parents tolerate, this behaviour was not accepted in this house, and impose consequences

The problem is that it is your child who will be required to find another school, if he doesn't learn to behave. I've been there as both parent and teacher. It isn't easy.

@Thunderclearstheair
As I said - NEUROTYPICAL! I hope OP realises that I don't mean that it would be perfectly simple for her - I was just lucky to have easy to parent, conforming kids that were relatively easy to bring into line, and that I never blamed the school for this aberration!

School really don't have the money to self-fund a 1:1 teaching assistant for children who are just 'naughty'. He must be an utter nightmare in the classroom to warrant that kind of support without a diagnosis. I'd suggest you try and get the school and the senco to be completely honest with you about what additional needs they think he might have. Sometimes parents can't read between the lines of the educational lingo and schools don't make it any easier by always trying to frame things as a positive. Has he seen an Ed Psych for an assessment? Is he on the waiting list?

Has he been seen by a educational psychologist? Given the level of problems in school, the school should be seeking advice.

OP be prepared for the school to be reluctant, ed. psychs. cost a lot of money which schools don't have.

Is he SEN? Is they’re provision for this adequate? I hope the rules are he doesn’t get iPad if he’s disruptive at school and not just at home...?

Thank you @Bluerussian. Hobbies wise he's a very outdoorsy boy. Loves long walks, rubbing, football. He's happiest when he's outside no matter what the weather!

Ok, I’ve not read the whole thread but I haven’t seen anyone empathise with @mrssoap - does everyone have perfectly behaved children suddenly? My son was similar - unless they were truly engaging his interest - he struggled with the structure of a primary school classroom & the expected behaviours that go with it. He was a noisy, energetic boy & clashed with teachers who didn’t let him let off steam regularly. He changed a lot as he grew older & by Year 6 had settled down & was no longer disruptive. Please don’t engage with anyone about his behaviour unless they have positive input - you don’t need the stress of feeling you are failing in some way or that his behaviour is unusual because it isn’t. He’s probably very bright & gets bored - a good teacher will recognise this. As for the swearing, the parent needs to be realist, they can’t shield their child forever. I hope they don’t approach you! I remember one woman creating a fuss because her darling daughter was too precious to watch an episode of Tracey Beaker at school... the same girl ran away at 14 & is now on drugs & promiscuous, imagine the horrors she’d be up to had she not been mollycoddled. My point is that you can’t control all your son’s behaviour & he will likely settle down - the other china doll might be a compliant angel now & turn out differently, don’t let them judge you.

It's odd that he only plays up in school and not at home. Usually it's the other way around (I work in a school). I'd be questioning what happens at school to change his behaviour, but I would never suggest that one parent speaks to another about an issue!

Sorry but as other posters have said it sounds like there are definitely special needs that need to be addressed and I hope that you’re working together with school staff to address these and both singing from the same hymn sheet so to speak.
Swearing in school at that age is not normal or appropriate I’m afraid.
I’m curious as to what games he’s playing on the iPad?

@mrssoap - I’m sorry, I only read to page 4 of the thread so haven’t totally read through. But have you read the book “Raising Boys” by Steve Biddulph? Boys find school hard, some more than others. I found a lot of what he said really enlightening!

In DD's school these things get sorted by them, never between the parents. That's was a really unprofessional advice they gave you.

Thanks @Carpedimum.

@Harls1969 He does play up at home, but no where near what he does at school. He's just a lot worse.

@paris100 Been working with the school for a while now, no mention of special needs though, but it's something I will be bringing up.
He just plays games on his I pad really, normal children's games. I monitor what he does on it.

@Namechangefour I shall have a look, thank you.

That's a bit stupid. Why should she want to cause trouble between parents. A lot of teachers seem to lack common sense in my experience.

@MrsBadcrumble123 there has been no mention of any kind of special needs.
Yes I do discipline him for things he does at school as well as at home.

@chillykiwi thanks for the warning, I will speak to them about it when I am next due to meet with them.

My nephew disrupts his class quite frequently. He's struggling quite a bit, academically, too. Do you you think your son is lacking confidence in school work so he's playing up as a distraction from attempting the work? If so some extra tuition could give him a confidence boost Just a thought.

YANBU. Hopefully the other parent won't approach you. I would as a matter of urgency ask school/GP to refer to wherever they do in your area for an overview of his development as the more you say the more it sounds like he has some additional needs. I am incredibly surprised that the school are funding a 1-1 but haven't applied for an EHCP or referred for testing. Just a guess here but I wonder if he does his homework better at home than his work at school because he is comfortable, relaxed and able to move around and fidget enabling him to concentrate better? It's not your fault. You're doing your best. I hope things get easier for you both.