Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

Is it possible that the the parent in question was full of advice as to what the teacher should do. The teacher explained what she was going to do and the other parent wouldn't let it go -- so in the end, in understandable frustration, the teacher said 'Why don't you tell her that yourself'. Immediately regretted it, was pretty sure the parent was passive aggressive and wouldn't actually say it to you BUT needed to ensure you were aware just in case.

It sounds like you are a lovely parent, like many, doing your best, sometimes doubting yourself and wondering if there is anything you have missed; ready to listen to any ideas and test them in your mind against the situation that only you know the whole of.

You will get there I'm sure.

I have been in a similar situation, a teacher I think she was a supply from what I remember told a parent our daughter had hit this woman's son, we weren't told until I got a mouthy woman shouting at me outside the classroom are you x mum and I said yes, your daughter has hit my child I said I wasn't aware of this and didn't agree it was appropriate to discuss this in front of other parents at this point I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I was mortified I had been spoken to how I was and I would speak their teacher. I went to our car after getting my children and told my husband and asked our daughter what had happened she told us and the woman had s different story as did the teacher when we spoken to her the next day. The moral of my story was both parties should be spoken to and not one why should a parent approach you especially as they may not speak to you or know you. Speak to the teacher and say you would appreciate a call if they advise a parent needs to speak to you. You could have had a meeting with the parent and teacher in a classroom which is common ground.

I think you need to think of your DS’s behaviour as a whole, not just take a ‘well he’s ok at home’ aproach.If he’s bad at school, you need to punish him too, not just school. I’d be mortified if my child was causing disruption at school.

@TheRobotsAreComing maybe, that's something to think about.

@sonypony thank you, I'm going to look into the possibility of him having some sort of special needs, I'll speak to the school about it when I'm next in

@Khione thank you, yes I think your probably right that she was just frustrated and just said it. I get that. I am always apologising to her for my child's behaviour, I feel awful.

@lilgreen Please read all my replies. I've never taken that approach. I do feel mortified, guilty, upset, like a failure. I feel all that don't worry.

My youngest was a nightmare in nursery class. He was just violent, would punch and scratch and bite and I would have been seriously upset if the school suggested one of the parents approach me about what was going on with my son! The school would notify me regarding the incidents and we would always work together from there. I'm sorry this happend OP, I suggest you soak to the school about what was said.

I’m surprised that the school have provided your child with 1:1 and have adapted (by the sounds of it) a very visual and TEACCH approach to him and his education yet NOBODY has ever mentioned the possibility of him having ASD/SPD/SEN - how bizarre

I would 100% be looking into this possibility OP, I find it really confusing that a child deemed so disruptive to be given 1:1 without any kind of assessment could have gotten to 7 without it

Fully disagree with the teacher telling the other parent to speak to you though, It’s incredibly unprofessional

You seem to be a great mum. I know every child is different but I think 9 pm bedtime is too late for a 7 years old. Considering that he has behavioural issues it my be something to look into. At that age mine would be asleep by 8. Sleep really affects behaviour and attention. Agree that the school is not handling this very well.
Also my younger son couldn't cope with video games when he was younger. They were not violent games just races and football but the would become aggressive and irritable after playing them so I talked to him and completely removed the games until he was an year older. And then reintroduced only at weekends for a couple of hours.

@Motherofasleepaphobe I never thought about it till now. My daughter does have special needs, and when I was going through trying to get her assessed I do remember I was the one to bring up the fact she may have additional needs, they didn't, I had to keep pushing for it. Will see what they say when I bring it up.

@Nearly47 8pm bed time isn't possible some nights as my older children do after school activities and as I'm on my own I have to take him with me to pick them up, we are always home by 8.30 which is why it's a 9pm bed time, but actually it's not often he stays up till then, some times he is asleep by 8, it depends. He always wakes up at 7.30 for school with no problems though and I've never noticed him being tired in the day and his teacher has never said anything either.

I do appreciate a lot of posters have said about it though so I'm going to put him to bed earlier on the nights I can, and see if it does help.

Highly unusual for a teacher to day that.

I probably shouldn't be chuckling in the background here, but I reckon I must have the award for having THE child from hell.....'shit' ?Personally, if one of my children had of come home saying that a child in their class had said the 'shit' word, I would have said that perhaps he meant 'ship', or 'oh dear, that's not a nice word, he must have been feeling very upset to say that word'. I certainly don't think I would have said anything to the teacher or you. I would have said that I thought it was an opportunity to teach MY child why it wasn't a nice word to use etc.

My son truly was a nightmare (not fussy about where), with ADHD, Autism, and an exceptionally high IQ, long before they became well known, he didn't belong in mainstream schooling, but that was the fashion. He used far worse words, and even with 1:1, his behaviour disturbed the whole school, not just the class. Eventually, it was decided that he needed specialist provision, but in the meantime at no point did any school try to pass the buck and agree to a parent approaching me.

It sounds to me that you are doing a great job, it's not easy being half of a 2 parent family, taking full responsibility alone is incredibly hard. You are trying to meet the needs of all of your children, and have found a means to maintaining discipline at home. If this other parent does make contact with you, try not to lose your rag, and why not get them on side? Explain that his behaviour isn't as bad at home, and point out that you can't control his behaviour in school but thank them for drawing your attention to the incident. It's far too long ago to deal with now anyway.

And you keep plodding on, and keep that head up high!

I am really NOT judging your parenting but I think an hour a night on the iPad is a lot (I save it for weekend mornings when I need a lie in) I do this as my DD is HORRIBLE when she's been using it and very rude and unwilling to cooperate.
The 9pm bedtime wouldn't work for us (has to be 7pm) but I appreciate kids are all different.

The teacher was wrong to tell another parent to speak to you, that sounds extremely unprofessional but perhaps the parent put her in an awkward situation and the teacher said the first thing that came into her head (the fact that she told you she said it, means she's trying to justify it in her head but knows its wrong).

Keep going OP. Parenting is so tricky and unless you've experienced a child who is defiant, loud, etc. It is so hard to judge. We all do our best.

Never give in to the child. So much easier said than done

Next time your son does something rude to a neighbour or visitor, call up the teacher tell them you'd like them to pop over and apologise to the offended party. Then ask what strategies they're using to manage his behaviour in class and would they like you to share what works with them.

I think you have been given quite an unfair bashing here, unnecessarily so.
I think you have been very patient with your replies. You would very caring and concerned, clearly you communicate regularly with your son's teachers.
Would your son play some educational games on his I pad? Maths, literacy etc so he sees an instant reward/ gratification for working but using a medium he enjoys? You may gave tried this already but I just wondered if using something he enjoys as a teaching aid in a game format would help?
I'm glad he's popular with his peers. Is he frightened of the teachers? Of authority? Does he feel safe at school? I have to reassure my youngest and physically say ”its ok, you are safe” to calm her in to a state of mind where I can reason with her and so she's listening.
I really hope you get to the bottom of his troubles. You sound fantastic, however it's easy to hit breaking point. I hope you find time to take care is you too, you have an awful lot to deal with.
Have a lovely break from school, Merry Christmas xx

Oh, and I think some people misread your post. They seem to be imaging you're asking for parenting advice, even though they no nothing about your son, whether he had needs it disabilities and what things might have happened to cause the disruption at school.
Whereas silly me, I thought you were just asking if the teacher's actions were appropriate. In which case, a resounding no.

I've got an opinion on punishing school behaviour at home. And that is it doesn't help.
Home is a child's safe space. It's where they bet to relax and let off steam and do the things they enjoy around people who love them unconditionally.

If he's struggling with school and then being punished at home he's likely to hate school more. He can't relax in his safe place because of school and those who love him unconditionally are cross at him for school stuff.

It works for a few children but not those who are clearly struggling. And a child with 1:1 and academic struggles is struggling and behaviour is communicating something.

I'd perhaps start with 30 minutes iPad and this can increase to an hour by earning rewards. Give him a carrot. But keep school and home separate. Make it clear though you support school for anything he does in school and any action they take.

mrssoap Fri 20-Dec-19 19:48:57
Thank you @Bluerussian. Hobbies wise he's a very outdoorsy boy. Loves long walks, rubbing, football. He's happiest when he's outside no matter what the weather!
........
That sounds very good to me mrssoap.

Honestly i think he will be alright and you're a good mum by the sound of it. Your son is not unlike a lot of kids of his age. I do think maybe a different school would be better, certainly worth looking into.

Good luck.

@SallyB392 thank you, yeah it seems a bit like that over the word shit but he's so disruptive in class daily that I would imagine the child has said more about my son 😩. I don't blame the parent being angry, I just find the whole thing upsetting really, I wish he wasn't like he is at school.

Appreciate that @marshmallowss. He doesn't have it at night time, normally has it after school before tea, my other kids have the same rule. He isn't always on it for the whole hour, sometimes he's busy playing instead.

Haha @Devora13, yes I could try that!! And yes I know I didn't ask for parenting advice but I've somehow received it lol. Although to be fair some of it has been helpful so I won't complain!

Thanks @Merryweather80, I assume he feels safe at school, he is very confident, not frightened of anything to be honest let alone a teacher. He just says he hates school as it's so boring.

He does have special needs! He is truggling academicallyand has one to one assistance. No child without special needs hets this - ever. There just is not sparee money to throw around for children without needs.

This.

I think most posters have missed the info about this boy having his own 1:1 learning support assistant because he is naughty. That's around £15K a year being spent on one child. Sounds highly unlikely; he must have undiagnosed additional needs.
So YANBU if the teacher actually said that. But I'm pretty sure you've got the wrong end of the stick or are missing essential information.TBH, the teacher is probably at her wit's end and has parents complaining to her regularly about how your son's behaviour is impacting on the rest of the class. Sorry OP, I imagine you're having a hard time of it but you need school to be straight up with you.

There could be several reasons why he's misbehaving at school and it's important for you to work with the school to sort this out otherwise it will impact on not only his education but also that of the other pupils.

Is he bored with the work? Is it challenging enough for him?
Does he have undiagnosed SEN so required different teaching strategies?
Is the work too hard for him? Does he misbehave st school to cover up the fact he can't do it?

One other thing, you say you have other children. Unless they are all having similar problems, stop blaming yourself please, be kind to yourself. You would not believe how many parents are sent on parenting courses when they have 2/3 or 3/4 children who are doing fine, yet strangely, one child isn't, but 'it must be the parent's fault.' So much easier for 'professionals' to save effort and money by playing the blame game, rather than addressing the underlying problems.
All sorts of questions:
Were you particularly unwell or having a difficult time while pregnant with him?
Were there any birth complications or was he premature?
Was he seriously ill during his infancy, or were you?
Have there been any big scary events or changes for him?
Is he affected by noise, bright light, smells,textures etc?
There are all sorts of factors that can affect his development which are NOT YOUR FAULT 😔

@MamaAffrika I had absolutely no idea having a one on one was such a big deal, maybe Ive been naive.
I didn't get the wrong end of the stick, the teacher definitely said to me the other parent was angry and that she advised she speak with me. Maybe because it's now the holidays I don't know but I thought it was wrong. And yes she probably is at her whits end to be fair, I feel bad about that.

@nuxe1984 I am working with the school, have been for some time now.
Yes he says he finds the work boring, possible that he misbehaves because he finds it all too hard, I'm trying to figure it out.

@Devora13 I do have 3 other children yes, one does have special needs, other 2 are very well behaved, have absolutely no problems with them at all. I have been on 2 parenting courses already, I do find them interesting but yes it does feel like they blame it all on my parenting.

It's not that unusual to have 1 on 1 time. My son does. He has no additional needs

I'll admit, I haven't read the whole thread. I got to page three!

OP, as others have said, your son either doesn't genuinely have a one to one, or has SEN. Parents of children with SEN fight tooth and nail for that kind of support. And I'm very surprised that he gets 'detention' at 7. I assume he's on the SEN register if the school are spending approx. £12k on his provision in addition to other children? I'd be seriously expediting a referral to the paediatrician at this point. It could make a huge difference to his education and outcomes. Sorry for regurgitating what's already been said, I just think it's really important that you know that, in the current culture of no funding and no SEN provision, children just don't get one to ones without significant need.