Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

Also I know you’re working on the bedtime and I think it’s right to. Evening activities until 8.30 on a school night are a bit much for any child after a full day at school.

Bedtime is not just about sleep. Its about getting quiet time before sleep.

@lilgreen that's because they haven't done all that. Yes it is a school issue, because it happened at school, and my whole post was about wether the teacher should have told another parent to speak with me about my child's behaviour.

How do they afford. 1:1 for your child then? School budgets are really struggling.

Did you ask the teacher exactly what the other parent would be talking to you about? Probably just to clear the air.

He isn't the one doing the activities, it's just I have to take him when picking up the other children from there's. It's not very night either, twice a week. I've spoken about the bedtime so many times now, I've said I'm going to try earlier I can't keep repeating myself I'm going round in circles.

@drspouse Thanks for sharing, none of the professionals I have seen about his behaviour have said his bed time is probably an issue.

I have to go to work now so can't reply for a while.

It depends on the area as to whether a GP can refer. In my area they can't refer a child over the age of 5 for any ? Special needs. It has to come through the school.

Well if it’s only 2 nights, why is his bedtime so late?

@lilgreen because that's just the cut off time for lights out. It's not a strict thing. As I've said so many times already.... sometimes he goes sleep at 8, sometimes 8.30. The 9pm bed time is because sometimes we arnt home till 8.30! I'm not discussing bed time any further as I've explained about it enough.

Just trying to help. Sleep is so important in relation to behaviour, growth and health.

I cant believe the number of sanctimonious posts telling the OP her child is disrupting others and she needs to do something about it; deal with his late bedtime; ba bla!! She is clearly accepting her child is disruptive, she knows he shouldn't ave sworn etc!!!! All she asked was should teacher have told parent to speak directly to her for goodness sake!!

OP ...1. You sound like a sensible, level headed very busy mum, worried about her childs behaviour but dealing with it! Well done you 2. In my view as an ex Headteacher, no way the teacher should have told parent to speak to you!! And not telling you which parent makes it even worse actually!!

There has been several incidents at school where my 8 year old daughter has been hurt by a certain child and also repeated swear words that this child has said and after a few times with teacher "dealing with it" and it not getting resolved I did say the next time anything happens I'm going straight to talk to her mum. Sometimes ya need to go straight to the parents and let them know exactly what is happening.

The patience you show regarding people who like to comment without reading what you have wrote just goes to show the patience you have dealing with your son.I can not honestly give advice not knowing your son .if he is generally behaved at home but not at school there must be something triggering at school.my son would not settle at school hated crowds and loud noises but he was same at school and home ,not just school .if the behaviour was the same school and home then you would know there was a bigger problem .

Thanks @Madamum18 .

@Mummmmyof2 that's still irrelevant to my post though. The parent didn't come to me. The teacher advised her to. Which is what I was wondering was ok or not, turns out it isn't ok because I read the schools policy on dealing with behaviour and it states they discourage parents confronting other parents.

It is out of the ordinary to direct a parent to you. Perhaps it was a bout a out of school issue. The parent hasn’t acted on it so I wouldn’t worry too much. Sometimes direct and open conversation does help.

Conversation not confrontation btw.

Our children have nothing to do with each other outside school, so I can't see how it would be about anything out of school.
I do think it's probably helpful for parents to talk sometimes, just not comfortable with the teacher suggesting it that's all as the mum was apparently angry and a confrontation on the playground isn't something I'd like or think was helpful to anyone.

I agree. I’m a HLTA and I know yesterday that we were all exhausted. Perhaps the teacher suggested the wrong thing in exasperation at the other parent not being satisfied. It may have been an off the cuff suggestion. It probably won’t happen. I would just tell the teacher that you’d rather she didn’t direct the parent to you in future and forget it.

Alternatively, if you’re feeling brave and refreshed in the new year, you could find the parent, apologise for any upset your son caused and explain that you are having difficulties with his behaviour at school, you and the school are working together to improve it. You’ll be the bigger person and what can she possibly say to that?

Not a bad idea @lilgreen. I don't often see her as it's not usually her on the school run but if I do I may just do that

We often get the child to write a letter apologising to the other child. Gives them thinking and reflecting time and the recipient and parent usually react well. Good luck.

Dear OP,
I do think you are doing your best. I admire your patience and determination to help your child.

I have a child who hated school starting year 1. It took so much just to make her go there. Daily sickness complaints before school, whining, crying, anxiety...it was a lot for all of us to deal with.

DD never wanted to elaborate on why she hates school. After many years she told me that kids used to call her fat and ugly (she was neither), and some teachers were discouraging.

Coming from a loving and supportive home environment, nasty comments from the children and teachers’ lack of support/care, her little spirit was completely broken and self esteem non-existant.

When she finished her GCSEs I could not bare to force her to go to school anymore. She took a gap year, worked at a cafe and then on her own decided to go back to school. I went with her for an orientation, she was visibly shaking, but she did go through with signing up.

She was horrified after submitting her first assignment...she did her best, went above and beyond and was terrified to fail. Ofc she did not fail, she did well and got good feedback. Good feedback was like a fuel to her and she continued going above and beyond for each assignment. She has received some constructive criticism as well which she took to heart and used to improve herself.

The point to my story is that things can get better. I think your son seems to be hurting (I think it is school related and related to how the school environment makes him feel). I think it has little to do with his sleep or 1 hour ipad use. I agree with posters who suggested some positive feedback/encouragement may help as well as getting assessed for certain conditions, at least to rule them out.

Good luck with everything OP💐

OP, when I have been approached by teacher about my child’s behaviour in class, I have revoked my child’s privileges at home for the evening to a few days. This seems to sort it out. Re: teacher telling other parent to talk to you - this probably means that she’s fed up with having to put up with your child’s disruptive behaviour. You are really the only person who can sort this out. Tell teacher to let you know when he’s being bad. Revoke his until his behaviour improves.

I meant revoke his ipad on days where he is naughty at school.

@clairefrasier I don't think it matters how fed up the teacher is, she shouldn't have told another parent to speak to me, it is in their policy on behaviour, she shouldn't have done it. However I'm not going to complain as I do actually feel for her as I do tell her, for putting up with my child's crap in class. She knows I'm on board with improving things, she knows I feel awful.

@thats what I do, I do punish him the same way as I do when he's naughty at home but for some reason he just goes to school and sort of let's loose and doesn't care! It's frustrating for everyone and I feel extremely guilty. At least when he plays up for me it's just me who has to deal with it, it's a horrible feeling when my kids labelled the kid to avoid 😔