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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was unreasonable here?

268 replies

Funkyslippers · 19/12/2019 08:57

Last night, all of us in car, me driving, we're playing DD1's (16) Queen CD (she's slightly obsessed).

DD1: Oh I love the words to this song, can we all just listen to the words?
OH: (definitely heard what she said) - starts talking to DD2
DD1: I really want everyone to hear this song
OH: (Carries on where he left off with what he's saying)
DD1: (shouts): YOU'RE SO SELFISH! I ASKED YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND YOU DELIBERATELY TALK OVER IT!!!
OH: Don't you speak to me like that etc etc....

Everyone stressed. Me upset because this sort of thing happens on a daily basis between DD1 & OH, DD2 & OH or DD1 & DD2!!!

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2019 12:23

Don’t you remember being 16 when every song was vitally, passionately important and car journeys with your family felt very long?

We didn’t have a car (poor). If you think car journeys en famille are interminable, I raise you Strathclyde bus service... Wink

That said, I was never a huge music fan as a teenager. More fond of reading aloud passages from Wuthering Heights to my long-suffering mother. She used to tell me to shut the fuck up and let her watch Heartbeat in peace. Crown Sad. #Isurvived

happycamper11 · 19/12/2019 12:23

Did was being u to try to dictate that everyone must listen to a song. She could have just told her that rather than ignoring but ultimately it was dd

Ragwort · 19/12/2019 12:27

Completely missing the point but I am really disappointed not to have a CD player in my car anymore, no idea how to download music or whatever you are meant to do. Sad

littlejalapeno · 19/12/2019 12:27

*We didn’t have a car (poor). If you think car journeys en famille are interminable, I raise you Strathclyde bus service... wink

That said, I was never a huge music fan as a teenager. More fond of reading aloud passages from Wuthering Heights to my long-suffering mother. She used to tell me to shut the fuck up and let her watch Heartbeat in peace. tcrsad. #Isurvived*

Oh that made me laugh Grin

ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 19/12/2019 12:29

Your DD was being unreasonable. The only person entitled to dictate the background noise in the car is the person driving it.

I can't imagine what would have happened when I was 16 if I'd tried to insist not only that my parents switched from Radio 4 to a Queen album, but then stopped talking as well. I'd probably have been dumped at the roadside Grin.

It was cassette Walkmans or put up with Parents' Choice in those days.

SD1978 · 19/12/2019 12:33

Both- daughter slightly more so. This is a song that has been listened to many times. A careful of people, 2 talking. One occupant wants everyone to sit in silence to listen to a song. Other occupants don't want to. If she wants to fully appreciate lyrics- that to me is a bedroom/ headphones situation. I wouldn't want to sit in the car in silensce for that reason. But dad should have said- you can do that when you get home, not just ignored the request. The reaction from DD was OTT but she's a teenager and most reactions at that age are.....

HoppingPavlova · 19/12/2019 12:35

Or are you saying that people should keep everything to themselves and not share their passions and interests with the people they love?

One of the things teenagers need to learn is that (mindblowingly), their passions and interests are not always shared by others. And that’s okay. Forcing them into others is not okay.

happycamper11 · 19/12/2019 12:35

Oh and I get that she seemed to want everyone to hear the words but it sounds like this CD is a regular in the car and everyone is already well aware of the words

ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 19/12/2019 12:40

'Save Me' has been around for nearly 40 years, so I'd conjecture that any adult who hasn't heard it before probably just isn't into that sort of thing.

It's not one of Queen's best, in my opinion. Queen II is my favourite album.

Baffy · 19/12/2019 12:47

Doesn't sound to me like anyone handled it well. No respect between DD1 and OH for sure.

Would it have hurt him to just quickly explain WHY he didn't want to listen? Assuming that he is aware of what it means to her.

Poor parenting from him IMO. Nobody should have 'had' to listen, but to just ignore a request from someone who is passionate about something (at any age!) is rude and disrespectful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/12/2019 12:49

What do you mean this sort of thing happens all the time op? Not listening to one another? Or not respecting each other? Give us some examples.

73Sunglasslover · 19/12/2019 12:49

My children are 10 and 12. Im trying to help them learn a more developed understanding of 'interupting'. A pause in a conversation cannot always be spoken into. I wonder whether your dad is still learning this? I also wonder whether she feels not listened to in general in order to make sense of why she responded so aggressively. She made a request though and does need to accept that some of our requests do not suit others.

Saddler · 19/12/2019 12:53

She is. Can't expect silence in a car she's already got her choice of music on

Vanhi · 19/12/2019 12:57

It's awful being a hormonal teenager around people that find it funny to wind you up, especially when they have the power to tell you off for it (and they usually do)

This. And there's something quite pertinent about the fact it was 'Save me' she was trying to get you to listen to. When I was 17 it was 'Under Pressure'. Broken down, to me it looks like this:

DD1: Oh I love the words to this song, can we all just listen to the words?

Polite request to share something important to her. My family are musical, we do this sort of thing. And it's not about being able to listen to it later - sometimes it means something in that moment and that moment is important, not 2 hours later when you're at home with headphones on. Now, when you're in the car with your family and you want to share something.

If you don't want this imposed on you, an equally polite 'no, we're talking, we'll listen to it later' is fine.

OH: (definitely heard what she said) - starts talking to DD2

So starts talking? Was pausing in the conversation anyway so could have paused for a bit longer? Or just said no? Instead chooses to make his point by talking over the song? That's just childish.

DD1: I really want everyone to hear this song

So second attempt at being polite.

OH: (Carries on where he left off with what he's saying)

Carries on making his point that he's the one in charge and what he says goes.

DD1: (shouts): YOU'RE SO SELFISH! I ASKED YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND YOU DELIBERATELY TALK OVER IT!!!

At this point she's rude. It's arguable that she's driven to it.

OH: Don't you speak to me like that etc etc....

Again, imposing himself, making it clear he's the important one. He'll alienate her. She's already thinking 'save me' is important. If you think she's being rude and petulant, I would ask where it's coming from. How much does it take to explain to a 16 year old that there are four of you in the car and you need to reach a consensus? Or is she always going to be trampled on?

MintyMabel · 19/12/2019 12:58

Generally I'd say DD but does your DH have form for completely ignoring her wishes? Would it have killed him to stay quiet for 3 minutes?

NemophilistRebel · 19/12/2019 13:00

Agree with Vanhi.

I’m surprised at the amount of people saying DD is unreasonable.

I feel sorry that there must be a lot of children/teenagers out there that have no respect from their own parents

runoutofnamechanges · 19/12/2019 13:06

I'm not surprised your DD was upset and frustrated. From she second post, she believed, with good reason, the conversation had ended and politely started a new topic of conversation. It was really rude and unkind of your DH to ignore her twice. All he had to do was acknowledge that she had spoken and say sorry I hadn't finished what I was saying. They were both very rude but your DD was rude in response to your DH being rude to her twice so I think he was more in the wrong.

mummykauli7 · 19/12/2019 13:06

I think your husband was being unreasonable. She was trying to share something that interests her with her family. A song is 3-4minutes long. He couldn't indulge her for 3-4minutes?

I do understand where others are coming from aswel but as parents we need take an interest in what our kids are 'in to' it's a simple thing that would have made her happy and would have gone a long way to seeing her relationship with her family in a positive light. Teenagers are difficult enough to communicate with at the best of times without giving them more reason to shut down.

HaileySherman · 19/12/2019 13:10

On the surface it sounds like your DD was being unreasonable. But you said these things also happen with your other child. My husband was alway antagonistic like that. I feel like he is probably like that alot? If so, i feel your pain. It's like having an additional child. He's supposed to be the adult.

I used to struggle with these things too. Feeling like I had to have my husband's back, support him as a parent, etc etc. I think sometimes though, it's not that cut and dry. When my husband would argue with the kids, it was like neither of them had ANY common sense. They would escalate and escalate to practically being willing to burn the house down rather than just say forget it, we will discuss later at a calmer time. Drove me batty.

In hindsight, it was my husband being unreasonable, inflexible, immature and narcissistic. Yes, the kids were just as bad sometimes, but as the adult, i should have demanded that he lead by example.

Ok. That got off track to me venting about my problems, lol. I feel better.... Anyway my point being that it's not necessarily your daughter entirely. He's an adult and shouldn't be antagonizing teenagers.

SleighOfSparkliness · 19/12/2019 13:13

I think your OH was being a bit of a dick. He could have just explained that he and DD2 were in mid flow, instead of just ignoring DD1.

Or he just wasn’t thinking and didn’t really hear her, which also isn’t great. Nothing like feeling invisible and irrelevant.

Biancadelrioisback · 19/12/2019 13:16

But, you're all queen fans? So it's safe to say youve all heard the song before? And is it also safe to say that you've all heard the song together before since the CD is in the car?
It was rude of your OH to ignore her, she was rude in general with her response. Her initial request? Quite self involved.

MintyMabel · 19/12/2019 13:19

making sure they understand that The Man Of The House Is In Charge.

Yep. He does it with both girls. I'd be really surprised if this isn't the case.

being a brat

Oh for god's sake. This isn't bratty behaviour. And isn't isn't funny we mostly apply this term to girls and not boys?

WriteronaMission · 19/12/2019 13:58

I find it sad that people here don't want to invest just a little time listening to something important to DD. Sure, you'll have heard it before, but she had one small request that was asked in a polite way at first.

Your OH WBU ignoring here. If he wasn't done, he could have said that but putting a conversation on hold for 4minutes isn't a big deal.

I was fortunate my parents engaged in things I was interested in. I also engaged in things they were interested in. It works both ways and I offer my Dads the same. If my DH doesn't hear a request, I politely point out DDs have asked for something and give it a few minutes and he stops out of respect. If he heard and ignored, I'd be disappointed in him. It shows their wishes aren't honored all because they're children.

It sounds like this is a common thing with the OH too. That makes him even more unreasonable IMO. Your DD is likely getting frustrated and lashed out. While unreasonable in a way, at 16 hormones are everywhere and she'll just be regulating her emotions properly. After being ignored so many times, anyone will shout.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/12/2019 14:03

And isn't isn't funny we mostly apply this term to girls and not boys?

I'm as feminist as they come but I have to say i don't think that it's true that Brat is overly gendered, I've heard it applied to boys a lot as well tbf although usually younger children rather than 16 year olds

WriteronaMission · 19/12/2019 14:03

And isn't isn't funny we mostly apply this term to girls and not boys?

It's the case with a lot of terms. "Bratty" in a girl is "opinionated and strong" in a boy. "Bossy" in a girl is "good leadership material l" in a boy. Phrases like this are continually used to push women down. We have our own opinion and it's viewed in a negative way because we're going against the patriarchal society. Or were doing something that makes others (usually men) uncomfortable.

Sadly too many women continue the idea and use the term way out of context. Obviously, if the DD had form for this and was pandered to all the time, one could argue she's bratty. But one simple request? No.