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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was unreasonable here?

268 replies

Funkyslippers · 19/12/2019 08:57

Last night, all of us in car, me driving, we're playing DD1's (16) Queen CD (she's slightly obsessed).

DD1: Oh I love the words to this song, can we all just listen to the words?
OH: (definitely heard what she said) - starts talking to DD2
DD1: I really want everyone to hear this song
OH: (Carries on where he left off with what he's saying)
DD1: (shouts): YOU'RE SO SELFISH! I ASKED YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND YOU DELIBERATELY TALK OVER IT!!!
OH: Don't you speak to me like that etc etc....

Everyone stressed. Me upset because this sort of thing happens on a daily basis between DD1 & OH, DD2 & OH or DD1 & DD2!!!

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 19/12/2019 09:24

Dd was being unreasonable. You can't make people as into something as you are.

larrygrylls · 19/12/2019 09:24

I don’t know who us being unreasonable, but I do think that this kind of family argument (as long as it does not get out of hand) is actually a good and healthy thing.

Your daughter wants to share her music, which is lovely. Your husband wants to chat to your other daughter, which is also nice. They need to compromise, maybe listen to one track but chat over some others.

Very good life lesson and far better than everyone being plugged in to their own private media experience when actually together as a family.

dontcallmeduck · 19/12/2019 09:25

I think OH was being most unreasonable. Whilst I think it was an unreasonable request all OH had to do was say no you can listen later, we’re talking. It doesn’t take much to acknowledge DD’s feelings.

Brefugee · 19/12/2019 09:26

OH was being very rude and I wonder if he ever complains that the DCs interrupt him, or if he interrupts conversations? (mine does this and now the DCs are adults it causes a lot of tension)

Sounds to me like DD wanted everyone to listen to the lyrics, so maybe she could have phrased it better, but she's 16 and learning so there's that.
OH was rude to talk over it without saying something about it being better to hear it when you're all at home and can concentrate.

marchingonwithmother · 19/12/2019 09:26

Depends on the song. Obviously

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2019 09:27

If she's slightly obsessed with Queen, maybe he's sick to the back teeth listening to them.

MadMadMad · 19/12/2019 09:28

If it was just one song that meant a lot to DD1 then it wasn't unreasonable for her to ask and it would have been reasonable for you all to listen just for the one song.
If DD1 wanted you all to be silent for the whole CD then that would have been totally unreasonable and someone (you) should have gently pointed that out.
For your DH to deliberately start talking loudly over the song was him being an idiot and trying to cause trouble. However when he started why didn't you pipe up that DD1 had asked nicely for you all to listen to that one song so he needed to be quiet!

ChristmasCroissant · 19/12/2019 09:29

DD was unreasonable, she can listen to it at home and if she is a little obessed as you say, it's not the first time or the only time she'll hear the song. That doesn't mean she needs to sit in the car with headphones on, but she needs to think about others as well.

I have voted YABU because I think you backed your DD here, and IMO your DD was being unreasonable. I think you just need to set expectations clearly for the shared space of the car!

Karenisbaren · 19/12/2019 09:35

Can she not get some headphones? it is not fair to expect the world to revolve around her really.

owlalwaysloveyou · 19/12/2019 09:36

Oh started conversation after dd asked if you could all listen to this song? So he had nothing to say until this request? And didnt have abilitt to vocalise something polite to at least acknowledge the request even if denying it "not just now while we are all in each other's company, I'll try listen later"? Music can mean a lot to people particularly when young as it can help you find words for how you feel when most things are so confusing. Just because she is younger doesn't mean she was the rude one. She made a simple request and it seems, without more information, that oh went out way to talk over it then. An adult may have said "oh listen to this song" to friends and I can't imagine being in that company and thinking it rude, I'd think they were trying to share something they loved with me. When it's dc it's surely more important to try hear what they're saying even if it's through music? She didnt need to shout but she's 16 and will learn to regulate her emotions as time goes on and hopefully as she gets older less people will dismiss what she wants as less important than their wants.

There's a Freddy documentary on channel 5 tonight btw Grin

Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 09:38

DD dictating, unreasonable, brattish.

YOU'RE SO SELFISH! I ASKED YOU...

Oh, the irony. Smile

Chocolatemouse84 · 19/12/2019 09:38

Your daughter was rude. There was 3 other people in the car she can't expect them all to sit in silence whilst she listens to a song.
If she wants to actually listen to certain music, rather than have it as background noise then earphones or a quiet space later, when not on a car journey would be best.

Spied · 19/12/2019 09:40

DD1.
She's not the bloody Queen Grin
Liking and 'feeling' a song is a personal thing.
She'll learn this as she matures.

notsohippychick · 19/12/2019 09:42

Actually, I think it wouldn’t have hurt for you DH to listen to the song. She said she wanted everyone to hear it, and so it was important to her. He could have just stopped and acknowledged her request.

But I’m obviously in the minority!

WheresMyChocolate · 19/12/2019 09:43

Your DD was rude and ridiculous. Expecting everyone to sit in silence at her insistence and then calling them selfish when they didn't do exactly as she demanded. What a brat. I wouldn't be playing her CDs in the car again any time soon.

Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 09:44

Me upset because this sort of thing happens on a daily basis between DD1 & OH, DD2 & OH or DD1 & DD2!!!

Hmm This happens on a daily basis... I wonder why...

TheGoodEnoughWife · 19/12/2019 09:45

Going against the grain here. I think this is one of those times that are actually quite nice as children grow up. An appreciation of a song lyrics that she wants to share. She would have liked everyone to listen to the song and unless she is a complete drama llama the whole time I don't see why you couldn't have just listened for a bit.
Same goes when they find a book they really like, a quote, or a film.
It's nice to appreciate something that someone has found for the first time.

HoppingPavlova · 19/12/2019 09:45

Teenagers think the world and everyone in it should revolve around them. There is no need to pander to or encourage this.

I’m with your OH. Your DD can wear earphones and listen to the lyrics while the rest of the world carries on.

73Sunglasslover · 19/12/2019 09:48

DD for expecting everyone to do what she wanted and not realising that if you want to listen to song lyrics you do it alone, and OH for not saying that to her calmly and ignoring her. But it is possible he didn't register what she was saying if he was engaged in conversation with someone else. Some people are good at filtering out.

Vectura · 19/12/2019 09:49

My younger sister has form for this. Insisting people listen to the words of a song because YOU like it is incredibly bratty and pretentious.

Team DH.

OlaEliza · 19/12/2019 09:49

I think your DH was U. It was one song. Would it have killed him to listen to it? To respect his dd and what's important to her? What an arsehole.

ShartGoblin · 19/12/2019 09:50

Was he talking over it deliberately or was it the same talking he had been doing up until that point? Your post seems to imply that he completely blanked her when she politely made a request which made me think he might have been on the wind up.

It's awful being a hormonal teenager around people that find it funny to wind you up, especially when they have the power to tell you off for it (and they usually do)

KatherineJaneway · 19/12/2019 09:50

Both. DH should have acknowledged what DD1 said, but DD1 was also being cheeky expecting everyone to sit in silence.

Agree.

CatteStreet · 19/12/2019 09:51

Both unreasonable. Dd1 has more excuse, though, being 16.

BobLemon · 19/12/2019 09:55

Why didn’t your OH respond to DD1?

I appreciate there might be some more to the situation... like this is a repeat of a previous demand/your OH is the type to try to ignore unwanted behaviour rather than deal with it/he was just having a bad day.

But responding (negatively but lightheartedly) is probably what would have happened in our car. It’s obviously an unreasonable request in the first place, but it was a rather unreasonable response from your OH.

It’s unfortunately easy to get into an environment of inconsideration and poor behaviour with people closest to you, especially when there’s a teen in the mix. It really is that stupid cliche that you can behave badly when you feel safe and secure.