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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was unreasonable here?

268 replies

Funkyslippers · 19/12/2019 08:57

Last night, all of us in car, me driving, we're playing DD1's (16) Queen CD (she's slightly obsessed).

DD1: Oh I love the words to this song, can we all just listen to the words?
OH: (definitely heard what she said) - starts talking to DD2
DD1: I really want everyone to hear this song
OH: (Carries on where he left off with what he's saying)
DD1: (shouts): YOU'RE SO SELFISH! I ASKED YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND YOU DELIBERATELY TALK OVER IT!!!
OH: Don't you speak to me like that etc etc....

Everyone stressed. Me upset because this sort of thing happens on a daily basis between DD1 & OH, DD2 & OH or DD1 & DD2!!!

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 19/12/2019 11:29

I suppose it makes more sense if you say you're all Queen fans, but otherwise her request for everyone to be silent and listen to something she wants to listen to, do exactly the same as her/she wants, comes across as a bit unreasonable. I might do something like that, but I have autistic traits.

Maybe your husband was trying to teach her that you can't do that, everyone has their own stuff they want to do etc?

LittleReindeer · 19/12/2019 11:33

at least half of the occupants don’t give a shit about some lyrics
This is exactly the problem. I often read a news article aloud to my DH if I find it interesting, or play him a piece of music that I heard and want to share. It’s normal and nice to want to share things with people you care about. I’d be upset if he started talking instead of listening because it shows he isn’t interested in me and what I’m trying to share. When someone makes a point of showing you something it’s polite to take an interest even if you “don’t give a shit”. I don’t really care about every snail shell my kid brings me but I do care about him, so if he finds it interesting then I look at what he’s showing me and I engage with him. The DH in this scenario sounds very selfish.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 19/12/2019 11:34

Because a 16 year old brat does not get to dictate to a car full of other people when they can speak and what they have to listen to.

But an adult brat gets to decide that no one gets to listen?

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 19/12/2019 11:35

It's 4 measly minutes.

Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2019 11:38

But an adult brat gets to decide that no one gets to listen?

If driver and other daughter were also keen for rapt silence during song, could they not have said so?

multiplemum3 · 19/12/2019 11:40

Sorry but if anyone, regardless of age, wanted me to be quiet to listen to lyrics I already know I wouldn't have done it either lol.

Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 11:42

But an adult brat gets to decide that no one gets to listen?

  1. Adult speaking - children listening and speaking too - car conversation going - music in background - car ambience nice

VS

  1. Brat interrupts - tries to shut down conversation - demands rest of car does what she demands - keeps interrupting as the others try to continue their conversation - others clearly want to exercise their right to continue speaking and not be dictated to by brat - brat keeps on and on - brat throws tantrum - car ambience ruined by brat

And there are really people who prefer 2?

UnnecessarilyUpset · 19/12/2019 11:43

Both are unreasonable.

DD shouldn't expect everyone to want to listen.

DH because he didn't ignore her. It could have been an opportunity to explain to her why she shouldn't expect complete silence from everyone just because she requests it. She can listen to this song any time in her own company. Bla bla bla.

WorryBadger · 19/12/2019 11:43

Awh, I think she was trying to share something with the whole family that means a lot to her, and your DH has shown her in so uncertain terms that what matters to her does NOT matter to him.

UnnecessarilyUpset · 19/12/2019 11:44

I mean DH because he didn't need to ignore her.

Quartz2208 · 19/12/2019 11:48

The problem seems to be that having heard the request your OH (her Dad?) deliberately ignored her

Her response was way over the top though

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2019 11:50

In future, I'd get the bus! Grin

sillysmiles · 19/12/2019 11:53

I suppose the crux is whether OH started or continued a conversation with DD2. That makes all the difference imo.

I think your OH is being a deliberate and antagonistic ass.
Yes if it was a car load of adults you wouldn't allow one person to dictate the setting but your OH a) ignored her and b) chose to disregard what she said.
Yes she was looking for attention, but she is 16 and passionate about something - why wouldn't he want to take an interest in what she's passionate about.

HollowTalk · 19/12/2019 11:54

Your OH sounds a bit of a dick, tbh. Why didn't he turn the CD off, say what he had to say, then turn it back up and let her listen in silence?

Streamside · 19/12/2019 11:56

There's a lesson for your daughter that she's part of a family and needs to be less selfish.Families with children exist to rear children with decent boundaries and to release, horrible term, reasonably well balanced adults on the world.She'll certainly never be able to behave like that at work or college.

littlejalapeno · 19/12/2019 11:56

This reply has been deleted

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AryaStarkWolf · 19/12/2019 11:58

Sounds like some jealousy over her youth from dusty old cows.

aren't you charming

ElfAndSafeKey · 19/12/2019 11:59

When I was fourteen I said to my dad:
"You HAVE to listen to this band, they are SO COOL"
It was pink Floyd and my dad made me sick when he said he'd seem them live when he was 17 Smile
DD probably thinks she's discovered some cool band her sad parents have never heard of.
However she was being UR dictating when people can speak in the car.

spingly · 19/12/2019 12:01

DD has presumably got some sort of personal device to listen to music on? She should use that.

Jeleste · 19/12/2019 12:02

Going against everyone here. I think your DH was being unreasonable.
Of course she can listen on her own time, but i think her point was that she wanted everyone else to hear it. As a parent i would have shown some interest since its so important to her. Its just one song, its not like she asked everyine to be silent for half an hour.
I hate when i ask my kids to be quiet for a few mins during a meal so that i can discuss something with DH. And i expect them to actually be quiet when i tell them (obviously not for longer than a few mins). So i dont think its unreasonable for the kids to ask the same.

Its like a little kid made a drawing and shows it to the parents and they toss it without even looking at it. Must have been hurtful for your DD.

LittleReindeer · 19/12/2019 12:05

How does using a personal device to listen to music facilitate her sharing something with her family? Or are you saying that people should keep everything to themselves and not share their passions and interests with the people they love? I don’t find it unreasonable to say to my Dad “listen to this, it’s fantastic” and he wouldn’t find it unreasonable to listen and tell me what he thought.

BarbedBloom · 19/12/2019 12:05

I suspect their is some past history here of whatever kind. Do they normally get on?

AlternativePerspective · 19/12/2019 12:06

Well, I think that DD1 should be grateful she was allowed to have her* choice of music on in the car. After all, it’s not many parents who would want a sixteen year old’s taste in music on their car journeys is it? Wink

And having already been allowed to play her choice of music, she then felt the whole family should be quiet to also share her choice of music.

I imagine that the DH probably just kept talking because it sounds as if DD1 is this demanding on a regular basis.

Either way she was acting like a brat and I’d have switched the CD off entirely for that kind of outburst.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 19/12/2019 12:18

I think your OH could have handled that better - said well we’re talking, let’s play it again in a minute. Ignoring her was just rude. You don’t teach manners to a rude child by being rude to them.

She’s 16. You don’t have long left in which she’ll want to share things like this with you. You’ll be phoning asking when she’s going to visit and she’ll be saying nah, too busy listening to music with my mates ...

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2019 12:20

It srikes me that posting on AIBU is a very 'fighty' response by OP to an unnecessarily antagonistic situation.

Maybe less trying be right and prove others wrong, more kindness, would be beneficial in your family OP? From you too?