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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was unreasonable here?

268 replies

Funkyslippers · 19/12/2019 08:57

Last night, all of us in car, me driving, we're playing DD1's (16) Queen CD (she's slightly obsessed).

DD1: Oh I love the words to this song, can we all just listen to the words?
OH: (definitely heard what she said) - starts talking to DD2
DD1: I really want everyone to hear this song
OH: (Carries on where he left off with what he's saying)
DD1: (shouts): YOU'RE SO SELFISH! I ASKED YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND YOU DELIBERATELY TALK OVER IT!!!
OH: Don't you speak to me like that etc etc....

Everyone stressed. Me upset because this sort of thing happens on a daily basis between DD1 & OH, DD2 & OH or DD1 & DD2!!!

OP posts:
chuck7 · 20/12/2019 23:11

Your DD is bu. It's rude to demand everyone is quiet to listen to a song especially since they already regularly listed to this album. How self centered

PiggyInTheMiddle19 · 20/12/2019 23:16

Dd is wrong. If she wants to listen to lyrics.. Play it on a device with earphones.

EstuaryBird · 20/12/2019 23:35

I’m just impressed that your DD has such good taste in music. When you hear some of the total crap that’s around now I think she’s doing very well indeed.

Catsinthecupboard · 21/12/2019 02:20

OH. She asked politely. Everyone needs to sit down and go over rules for family decorum.

NearlyGranny · 21/12/2019 04:43

Agree with Catsinthe cupboard ^^

Ask your DH to think long and hard about how he is teaching DD2 to talk to him.

She makes a polite request: he ignores her.
She protests at being ignored: he ignores her some more.
She shouts at him: he responds.

To a daughter (IS she his daughter? He's acting like a dodgy stepfather) her father's attention is essential. If she can't get it being polite and respectful but only by shouting, what is the logical thing for her to do?

Yes, she's looking for his attention. She's entitled to. She's looking to connect with him, to have a relationship with him, to share her thoughts and ideas. Why is he ignoring her? If he engages in conversation with her, she won't need to shout and he won't need to get angry. The solution is in his hands. She's trying; he's not.

If he can have a conversation with DD2, he can have a conversation with DD1. A girl or young nearly-woman learns how to expect men to treat her and what is normal and acceptable male behaviour from her experience of her relationship with her father.

This is vitally important and it's nearly too late now she's 16! If she ends up being vulnerable to make abuse it will be because he taught her that was all she was worth; all she deserved. 😢

NearlyGranny · 21/12/2019 04:47

Male abuse. Typo, not autocorrect this time.

Do try to get DH to make time for DD1 and encourage him to find an activity they can do together sometimes without you and DD2. Everyone would be so much happier!

Devereux1 · 21/12/2019 09:45

NearlyGranny
Male abuse

Male abuse?!! Shock

She makes a polite request: he ignores her.
She protests at being ignored: he ignores her some more.
She shouts at him: he responds.

Everyone is speaking and having a nice time.
She interrupts. DH and her sisters try to carry on their nice conversations.
She selfishly interrupts some more.
She throws a pathetic tantrum.
She shouts, ruins the nice atmosphere of the car, and stops their conversation.
DH tells her off for his rude behaviour.

He's acting like a dodgy stepfather
Tell us about this dodgy stepfather category you speak of?

If she can't get it being polite and respectful but only by shouting, what is the logical thing for her to do?
On what planet is interrupting, stopping everyone from doing what they are already doing, demanding everyone does what you want to do and then throwing a tantrum, "polite and respectful"? Shock

Yes, she's looking for his attention.
No, she's wanting the world to revolve around her. What she wants, she gets, she thinks.

She's looking to connect with him, to have a relationship with him, to share her thoughts and ideas.
No, she wanted to force everyone to listen to her music.

Why is he ignoring her?
Because she rudely interrupted him.

If he engages in conversation with her, she won't need to shout and he won't need to get angry.
If she waited instead of interrupting, she wouldn't need to.
If she didn't dictate to everyone around her what they can and can't do, she wouldn't need to.
If she hadn't thrown a tantrum, she wouldn't need to.

The solution is in his hands. She's trying; he's not.
Grin She is the cause, his telling her off is the effect.

If he can have a conversation with DD2, he can have a conversation with DD1.
She didn't want to converse. She wanted to spoil the conversation with DD2 and demand everyone listen to what she wanted to listen to.

A girl or young nearly-woman learns how to expect men to treat her
A 16 year old brat needs to stop behaving like a 5 year old.

This is vitally important and it's nearly too late now she's 16!
Could well be right here. Her behaviour is terrible.

If she ends up being vulnerable to make abuse it will be because he taught her that was all she was worth; all she deserved. 😢
OMG. Shock

spingly · 21/12/2019 11:22

@NearlyGranny ...... male abuse 🙄 what utter nonsense.

Deadjinglebellringer · 21/12/2019 14:20

My God I can't believe this is still going. I wish I had problems like this. If we were all in the car this sort of thing wouldn't even register. A slightly stroppy teen is a bit stroppy, stop the press. Hmm

DeathStare · 21/12/2019 14:38

i feel for you OP and for your OH. I have a same age DD and this happens ALL THE TIME.

To those saying it's just 1/2/3/4 minutes he could have shut up.... yes but if it happens all the time (as the original post suggests) it becomes very wearing. And there is something very grating about someone who demands that a captive audience stop doing what they want to do and join them in their activity of choice.

And yes he could have just said "no I'm having a conversation" and that would have (maybe) been a better option but I have to admit I don't always do that myself - as I said having someone CONSTANTLY demand that their chosen activity interrupts what you are doing is incredibly patience-draining. I've also found that saying "No I'm having a conversation" (or similar) just brings forward the rant about "your so selfish...."

It's a teenage phase. It will pass. But it is draining.

OP I think you might be being a little unfair on your OH because the song was one that you like.

Barnseyboyo · 21/12/2019 14:49

DD is in the wrong. There’s no way I’d have listened to the lyrics of a song I’m not interested in anyway. Seems to me she is pandered to a lot

NearlyGranny · 21/12/2019 15:57

A poor relationship with her father is a common factor in many women who later suffer abuse at the hands of male abusers.

All the eye-rolling and scoffing in the world won't make that inconvenient link disappear.

Father's teach their daughters how men treat women. It's obvious; it's important; it's ignored at the peril of young women.

In OP's family's case, we can't know whether this is a pattern - though she says there's often conflict - only she can say how typical this scenario is.

But hey, let's all pile in and scapegoat the young almost-woman and call her names like brat because that's really helpful. 🤷

spingly · 21/12/2019 16:04

@NearlyGranny

But hey, let's all pile in and scapegoat the young almost-woman and call her names like brat because that's really helpful. 🤷

Because calling it make abuse really is helpful 🙄

DeathStare · 21/12/2019 16:12

@NearlyGranny

My DD (same age!) does the same thing. I often react the same way as the OP's OH. So does my other DD. To be honest we get rather fed up of someone demanding that we stop what we are doing (no matter how important, how difficult it may be to stop and then resume, or how much we are enjoying it) to instantly do the thing that she wants to do - usually a thing that would either wait or that she could do on her own. Just as an example the "everyone stop talking I want the whole car to listen to the song that I could actually listen to on my headphones" is typical. As is "everyone stop talking because I want to describe a scene from a film I've just watched to you even though you have told me that you don't want to see that film because it is scary/inappropriate". Or "I'm going to stand in front of the TV programme you are watching to read you the very-interesting-to-me text from my friend".

I (and the rest of my family) often say no and often then get the "OMG you're so selfish". We also often just ignore and carry on with what we were doing. I am confident that this is just a teenage phase and it too shall pass.

Are we also abusive? There isn't a male in sight btw.

spingly · 21/12/2019 16:17

*male abuse

Deadjinglebellringer · 21/12/2019 16:31

Scapegoat? Really?
What about continuing the conversation with the other dd, does she not matter? What about her future relationships with men?

Ohyesiam · 21/12/2019 16:37

It could have been she wanted to share the song with everyone, so headphones wouldn’t have worked.

Your dh was showing his contempt for her in not acknowledging what she said and in directly going against it.
It’s all normal family stuff, but if he wants to have a relationship with her , I’d be asking him to treat her with more respect.
Even if she was being unreasonable in asking, he’s the adult and needs to model good behaviour.

pinkpantherpink · 21/12/2019 19:34

I'm on your DDs side. Sounds like OH being mean and doing it to wind her up

LittleMissMe99 · 21/12/2019 20:50

I would say DH was being rude you know. She asked nicely. He deliberately chose to ignore her. Btw my daughter and husband are exactly the same, and she's only 13!

Jezebel101 · 21/12/2019 22:02

On one hand, as a teenager I would have been put out that I was just ignored, but to be honest I would never have made that request because I knew it would have been. On the other hand, this experience made me feel diminished as a kid, so I get that she's hurt. And on my third and final hand, I wouldn't have gotten away with an outburst like that and would have faced some consequences.

Child probably knew it wasn't going to happen as he was already conversing, husband knew it would irk child to ignore them, child knew it wouldn't acomplish anything by getting angry. Nobody is in the right and there are no winners.

NearlyGranny · 21/12/2019 23:10

Goodness, how aerated people are getting! Nowhere have I said that OP's DH is abusing his daughter.

I said he was being unreasonable - and plain rude - to ignore her when she spoke politely and only respond when she shouted at him. I said he was effectively teaching her to shout to get his attention. I said she was seeking the attention and relationship a daughter needs from a father.

All that seems pretty clear on a straightforward analysis of the facts as OP shared them.

The burden of my post is that a poor relationship with her father makes a girl vulnerable to abuse in her future relationships with men, because he is teaching her her worth and how she can expect to be spoken to and treated by men.

That doesn't make him an abuser himself; I never said it did. I do think he behaved rudely and dismissively towards her. Only OP knows how typical that incident is.

Please do me the courtesy of reading what I actually said first if you are going to comment.

SuperMeerkat · 22/12/2019 08:19

I agree with PP’s. I wouldn’t have indulged my son (16) or step-daughter (15) with this sort of request.

spingly · 22/12/2019 08:22

@NearlyGranny tour posts are ridiculously dramatic. Yes I've read them.

FrancisCrawford · 22/12/2019 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoppingPavlova · 22/12/2019 08:37

I said he was being unreasonable - and plain rude - to ignore her when she spoke politely and only respond when she shouted at him. I said he was effectively teaching her to shout to get his attention. I said she was seeking the attention and relationship a daughter needs from a father.

Twaddle. She had a captive audience and tried to force them all to give up several minutes of their lives to listen to a song that’s eleventy billion years old that at least two people in the car had likely heard a thousand times before. Sometimes teenagers pull this shit constantly and really you have no choice other than to zone out half the time for fear of going mad. Maybe the OP’s daughter is ‘that teenager’ at the moment and everyone’s had enough and is constantly worn down, who knows.

If it was me, trapped in the car with one of mine who is more inclined this way, I would have acted the same way. Does this teach them something about how women will treat them in their livesConfused. Better yet, their older siblings would have reacted the same way and then called them a rude entitled arsehole if they kicked off. It absolutely cracks me up when my young adults admonish the teens for being self-absorbed/entitled/rude etc. How short their memories areGrin.

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