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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was unreasonable here?

268 replies

Funkyslippers · 19/12/2019 08:57

Last night, all of us in car, me driving, we're playing DD1's (16) Queen CD (she's slightly obsessed).

DD1: Oh I love the words to this song, can we all just listen to the words?
OH: (definitely heard what she said) - starts talking to DD2
DD1: I really want everyone to hear this song
OH: (Carries on where he left off with what he's saying)
DD1: (shouts): YOU'RE SO SELFISH! I ASKED YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND YOU DELIBERATELY TALK OVER IT!!!
OH: Don't you speak to me like that etc etc....

Everyone stressed. Me upset because this sort of thing happens on a daily basis between DD1 & OH, DD2 & OH or DD1 & DD2!!!

OP posts:
WaterSheep · 19/12/2019 10:58

OH had started a conversation, DD1 made her request, which OH heard, then he carried on talking.

As I said previously your OH was already midway through a conversation, so it was very rude of your daughter to expect others to stop talking in order to listen to a song she has heard many times before.

I have no idea how anyone can think the OH was being rude, when he was already talking. Your daughter could have asked for the song to be played again, or listened to it at another time.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/12/2019 10:59

No, @WaterSheep, it says he started talking after the request was made.

Nope Op just clarified in her update that her OH had already started a conversation with DD2 so even more sure now that DD1 was U

Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 10:59

OH had started a conversation, DD1 made her request, which OH heard, then he carried on talking

So what you wrote in your original post wasn't true OP? Your OH didn't start a conversation after your DD1 made her demand, she interrupted him.

Come on, her behaviour is totally wrong on every possible count: she interrupted an adult who was speaking, she demanded everyone do as she said, she threw a tantrum when she didn't get what she wanted.

And you're on her side. And you wonder why this happens among your children and your OH every day? Hmm

WaterSheep · 19/12/2019 11:00

Equanimitas OP has confirmed her OH and daughter were already talking before the daughters request.

JacquesHammer · 19/12/2019 11:01

So why didn’t DH say “sorry, I’m talking to DD2” rather than just ignoring her.

I still think it wouldn’t have hurt him to share something with his daughter whether he’d heard it 1, 10 or 282848 times. Who wouldn’t want to do that?!

Equanimitas · 19/12/2019 11:01

WaterSheep, that was after I started my post, and a long time after yours.

Moondust001 · 19/12/2019 11:01

Earplugs. Then leave them to it.

DontCallMeShitley · 19/12/2019 11:02

Princess wants everyone to listen to Queen...

Deadjinglebellringer · 19/12/2019 11:04

So your dh started a conversation, your DD interrupted with her request, he continued talking. It that's right your DD is being unreasonable. Doesn't seem much of a big deal anyway tbh.

ChristmasCakeLover · 19/12/2019 11:05

I wonder how many times this lyric argument is had with one DD or other, OP and DH! Doesn't sound the first time demands have been made by one or the other and DD1s response was pure bratty so i wouldn't blame others for not pandering especially as OP says arguments are frequent.

LittleReindeer · 19/12/2019 11:05

Your DD wasn’t demanding that everyone shut up. It sounds like she wanted to share a song that means something to her. She didn’t want you to be quiet so she could listen - she wanted YOU to listen. Your DH was rude because it sounds like he wasn’t already talking but started to talk after being politely requested not to. DD politely requested a second time for him to listen then got annoyed after being ignored twice.

Basically your DH has just shown complete disinterest in your DD and what she was trying to share. Her annoyance was probably less about the talking and more about the fact that DH rejected her attempt to connect.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 19/12/2019 11:06

Sorry for confusing people. DD1 didn't really interrupt as such, there was quite a long pause in what OH was saying and I'm not sure when he started talking again it was about the same thing.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2019 11:07

So why didn’t DH say “sorry, I’m talking to DD2” rather than just ignoring her.

Because all being in such a confined space together, it would have been nigh impossible for Queen Lover not to have already been aware that her father and sister were having a conversation. It hardly needed saying.

I do wonder how polite the girl’s “requests” are, giving her reaction to a veil of silence not instantly dropping over the car. Grin

JacquesHammer · 19/12/2019 11:10

Because all being in such a confined space together, it would have been nigh impossible for Queen Lover not to have already been aware that her father and sister were having a conversation. It hardly needed saying

I disagree. The song came on and DD1 responded. He could have responded in kind. Rather than ignoring DD1. I wonder whether it’s a theme.

Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2019 11:13

I disagree. The song came on and DD1 responded. He could have responded in kind. Rather than ignoring DD1. I wonder whether it’s a theme.

I know you disagree. I disagree with your disagreement. Crown Grin

And OP has changed her mind again about whether husband and other kid were mid convo when the request was made so 🤷‍♀️

Catsandchardonnay · 19/12/2019 11:13

You were all being unreasonable not to sing along loudly to the fab Queen lyrics! Which song was it?

ReanimatedSGB · 19/12/2019 11:14

Is this man the DDs' father? Is he usually kind and polite to them? I note that you mention this happens a lot in your house. So, yes, teenagers can be demanding and unreasonable, but some men can also enjoy winding teenagers, particularly teenage girls, up - making sure they understand that The Man Of The House Is In Charge.
The fact that he ignored her perfectly polite request, didn't even say, 'Not now, DD1, we can listen to it later' suggests that he was quite happy to push her into a tantrum so he could shout at her and punish her. Just to show her who's boss.

NearlyGranny · 19/12/2019 11:14

It was rude of DH to ignore DD1. He doesn't have to comply but should acknowledge that she has been heard. Starting a conversation with DD2 right after that request smacks of favouritism and exclusion.

After all, what would it have cost everyone to listen for a minute or two and then discuss a classic song? Was it Bohemian Rhapsody? You don't have to be a fan to find the lyrics discussion-worthy.

I might have lost my temper at 16 if I had been blatantly ignored and talked over. Unless she is demanding this for every song, of course.

Do you want her isolating herself with headphones? Does your DH, who is her first m/f relationship and a massive influence, want her to absorb the message that she is not worth listening to and her requests are only good for the bin?

No prizes for seeing where this could lead. His behaviour to her is vitally important as she enters womanhood. Does he realise that?

AryaStarkWolf · 19/12/2019 11:16

Starting a conversation with DD2 right after that request smacks of favouritism and exclusion.

according to Ops update, he was already in conversation with DD2 when DD1 demanded they all shut up and listen to the lyrics

Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2019 11:18

according to Ops update, he was already in conversation with DD2 when DD1 demanded they all shut up and listen to the lyrics

There’s been another update since. Smile

littlejalapeno · 19/12/2019 11:18

How long is a song? 3-4 minutes? Sounds like DD might’ve been trying to share something with the family and your OH acted rude and belittling. Was it so urgent to deliberately antagonise her? I would be getting him to work on their relationship. 16 is a delicate age and she could do with support and interest from her dad!

heartsonacake · 19/12/2019 11:19

YABU. If she wants to listen to the song lyrics that’s up to her, but she is being unreasonable to want everyone else in the car to be silent when at least half of the occupants don’t give a shit about some lyrics.

If she wants to ‘think’ about the lyrics she can do it in her own time and not try to force everyone else to do it too, presumably to “find some meaning”.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2019 11:22

I think the wider context depends on the type of journey. Long one in which people are seeking entertainment? Or short, fraught one during which discussion of the destination activity and arrangements were required?

AryaStarkWolf · 19/12/2019 11:25

There’s been another update since.

Which said they were still having a conversation..........

Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2019 11:29

Which said they were still having a conversation..........

She said there was a long pause, which presumably could have been interpreted as conversation over by elder girl.