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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was unreasonable here?

268 replies

Funkyslippers · 19/12/2019 08:57

Last night, all of us in car, me driving, we're playing DD1's (16) Queen CD (she's slightly obsessed).

DD1: Oh I love the words to this song, can we all just listen to the words?
OH: (definitely heard what she said) - starts talking to DD2
DD1: I really want everyone to hear this song
OH: (Carries on where he left off with what he's saying)
DD1: (shouts): YOU'RE SO SELFISH! I ASKED YOU TO LISTEN TO THIS SONG AND YOU DELIBERATELY TALK OVER IT!!!
OH: Don't you speak to me like that etc etc....

Everyone stressed. Me upset because this sort of thing happens on a daily basis between DD1 & OH, DD2 & OH or DD1 & DD2!!!

OP posts:
DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 19/12/2019 09:57

He is.

It's what, 4 minutes to listen to a song which your DD wanted you to hear the lyrics to? Would it really have killed him? He started to talk to the other DD after hearing the request.

notsohippychick · 19/12/2019 09:59

It was about acknowledging her. He dismissed her and that’s probably why she behaved like that. It’s no excuse for shouting but this kind of behaviour and frustration usually stems from somewhere.

In this instance, your DH ignored, dismisses a reasonable request which was your daughter wanting to share a song with her family. It was important to her and that should have been acknowledged.

StoppinBy · 19/12/2019 10:02

DH unreasonable, she is almost an adult, she made a request, it would have been just a few minutes of listening then back to doing whatever.

What goes around comes around at the end of the day.

DH was also unreasonable to not acknowledge that she had said anything instead of either saying 'sorry we are already talking' or being quiet for a few minutes.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2019 10:03

You can't order other people to listen to the words. Pure teenage solipsism. Why the hell would they care about these words, just because you do?

You can request that people stay quiet for a moment so that you can listen to the words. You'd have to accept 'no' or an effective no (others ignoring you), as the answer though. A family car journey isn't really the time or place.

UnaCorda · 19/12/2019 10:04

I'm in the minority, but I don't think it was unreasonable of you DD to ask everyone to listen to a particular song for, what, a minute and a half? Everyone saying she was rude to "expect" it - is she not allowed to ask? And it sounds as if your DH only decided to start a conversation after your DD had made the request.

What would have happened if your DH had wanted everyone to pay attention to a song, or had wanted to catch something on the radio? And what if one of your DDs had then started a conversation? I'm guessing he would have told them they were rude and inconsiderate.

JacquesHammer · 19/12/2019 10:05

Your DH was childish. Would it really have killed him to let her listen, especially given from your OP is sounds like he deliberately started a conversation.

Is he often a twat?

JacquesHammer · 19/12/2019 10:06

“I really want everyone to hear this song” sounds like she wanted to share something special to her with her family. Poor kid to be so dismissed without acknowdgement.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2019 10:06

What's your take on it, OP?

puds11 · 19/12/2019 10:08

OP is actually DD

dazzlinghaze · 19/12/2019 10:08

“I really want everyone to hear this song” sounds like she wanted to share something special to her with her family. Poor kid to be so dismissed without acknowdgement.

I agree with this, I think it's nice she wanted to share something that's important to her. Obviously if this is a common occurrence then that's a bit different. Would it really have been such a strain for your DH to sit and listen to the song for 5 mins?

katewhinesalot · 19/12/2019 10:10

He should have nicely explained that it was an unreasonable request. Which it was. Then continued talking.

diddl · 19/12/2019 10:11

I think it was rude of your OH to deliberately start talking after the request.

That said her cd was on for everyone to hear, no need to demand everyone "listen to the words" just because she likes them!

I think she lost it by shouting at her dad that he's selfish for not doing as she wanted.

What song was it?

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2019 10:11

Quite honestly, I'm working on context, specifically; 'awareness of what others are doing', 'the need to get someone's attention before speaking to them' and, combining the two to make a reasonable judgement about whether this is a good moment to start speaking to someone, with my 6yo.

Mostly, at this age, this is about not interrupting - while also recognising that sometimes adults need to interrupt you, because something more immediate is occurring.

A teenager's understanding of context should be much better developed - including recognising others' need to interrupt your desire for 'quiet me time' when you're in a car with them, going somewhere, to do stuff, that might need discussing.

Fairenuff · 19/12/2019 10:12

You can't demand that people sit in silence for you. What a plonker Xmas Grin

TheSingingTowers · 19/12/2019 10:12

It would have been nice to share this with DD surely? How long is a song...3 mins max? (Unless it was Bohemian RhapsodyGrin)

Music is a great way to connect. Of course if you all knew the words already and have heard the song 10,000 times then that’s another story...!

Damntheman · 19/12/2019 10:14

DH wasn't in the middle of a conversation, he STARTED one after a very reasonable and not unpolitely put request. It's one song, he can wait four mins (unless it's bohemian rhapsody in which case 12 minutes is probably too long to make people sit in silence). He didn't even acknowledge her request, he could have said 'not now love, let's put it on in your room when we get home'. He just ignored her and then totally disregarded her. This would have ground my gears that's for sure!

OH was being incredibly unreasonable. Did he have to sit in silence? No. Could he have actually addressed the issue? Yes. Did he? Did he fuck. Dick.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2019 10:16

OP, it's impossible to vote, because you haven't presented a 'yes / no' question.

notsohippychick · 19/12/2019 10:19

If you asked your DH to listen to a song you loved, and it was important to you. How would you feel if he picked up the phone and started talking to someone in the middle of it?

You’d be livid. Just because the request came from a teenager makes in no less valid or important. He actually STARTED talking to his other DD. It’s just so rude and dismissive.

mauvaisereputation · 19/12/2019 10:22

Aw I remember being a teen and music feeling so important. But she was U here!

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2019 10:23

If you asked your DH to listen to a song you loved... An adult, especially a parent, wouldn't do this in the middle of a family car journey, with four people in the car. They'd have a much better awareness of appropriate time and place.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2019 10:23

Listening to the words is what headphones are for.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/12/2019 10:24

DD is BU to expect everyone to sit in silence because she wants to listen (and everyone else something they have no interest in listening to)

JacquesHammer · 19/12/2019 10:25

They'd have a much better awareness of appropriate time and place

I disagree that’s it’s not an appropriate time/place but even that notwithstanding, the DH should have a better awareness of how to handle a situation without riding roughshod over his daughter.

JacquesHammer · 19/12/2019 10:26

and everyone else something they have no interest in listening to

I think that’s really sad. I’ve listened to all sorts with DD I wouldn’t choose to but that’s important to her.

Shouldn’t a family be interested in sharing with their other family members?!

FloraGreysteel · 19/12/2019 10:26

Your 16 year old daughter was being unreasonable and childish.

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