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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

339 replies

Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:27

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
Maryann1975 · 18/12/2019 12:20

My parents and brother came to FIL funeral. I knew my parents would be there, but hadn’t expected my brother to take the day off. My dc and I were really glad of there support. There were over 500 people in the church that my dc had to walk past to get to their seats, most of them strangers to us. Knowing that there were people there for me and my dc helped immensely.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 12:20

Also, while people like to think that no-one will remember who came or didn't come, I guarantee that's not true. I'm sure there are people I have forgotten who came to my dad's funeral, as it was huge. But I was struck over and over by the people who came, and I absolutely remember that. I also remember people I expected to come and didn't and that hurt. And for people who couldn't come, but who wrote me a card, came up to sympathise with me later - all that helped immensely.

Lovely, for you. But when my mum died, it was very sudden and she was only in her fifties. We were all devastated and wanted to keep as much of the funeral as we could, private. She had died after a long battle with mental health issues and alcoholism and, like a pp, I did think "well you all avoided her like the plague when she was alive, what are you doing here? Free sandwiches"? Not the kindest thought, but I was grieving.

So, don't assume everyone wants to see every tom, dick and harry who their loved one didn't really know rocking up to their funeral.

Obviously we were courteous, because we have manners, but no, it did not mean so much to me and mean the world to me that they came. It did not help immensely, I'm sorry to say. I feel very...neutral about most of them.

Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 12:22

@MarSeeAh
Well we had who’s coming competitions who was more upset. Ranking in the hearses. What food to serve what drink.
All from people my dad either didn’t like or hadn’t seen for years. They thought it was a day out. All about them.
How I didn’t say something I don’t know.
But again I’m digressing so not relevant here.

AlexaShutUp · 18/12/2019 12:22

I think YANBU and it would be nice for your parents to go along and support you all. I have often been to the funerals of people I don't know well in order to support the family. However, my mum was from an Irish Catholic family so maybe my perspective is somewhat skewed.

ShippingNews · 18/12/2019 12:23

Haven't you ever had family get-togethers for birthdays , Christmas etc? It seems odd that for 15 years you've never done this, but now you expect your parents to come to his funeral.

mellie1806 · 18/12/2019 12:23

When we lost my mum, my in laws came to her funeral. They'd only really met at our wedding, and a handful of other events. Again, when we lost my mum in law earlier this year, my dad came with my sister, and eldest niece, and I think they'd met MIL even less than my dad. BUT for them, it was support my husband and I, and I do think that is important. Sorry to hear your FIL is poorly, and expected to pass xxx@Callistone

Ginfordinner · 18/12/2019 12:26

Shippingnews DH's and my parents lived over 300 miles apart. My parents died before DD was born so never had the chance to meet again after the wedding.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2019 12:31

Arya surprised being Irish you think this - 6 hour trip would be nothing to anyone I know among in-laws to attend a funeral. They may not go to the removal / wake, but they would 100% go to the funeral Mass.

Most people I know would go to just one of the Removal/Funeral unless they knew the person really well (or knew a mourner very well) but I certainly wouldn't expect my parents to travel 6 hours for someone they didn't even know very well, now my mom does know my Fil well so she would go to both and travel aswell but it seems like the OPs parents barely even met this man

Jux · 18/12/2019 12:44

It is for your ILs to provide comfort and support to each other they don't want virtual strangers turning up and having to be 'hosted' - I include those awkward chats that people have to have with strangers at the 'wake' after, when all they want is to remember a person they loved and will miss, but who is pretty much unknown to the people they're politely talking to.

Some families do blend ILs in, but yours hasn't. Don't start forcing it now. Take comfort and support from your ILs side, but remember that your dh will have lost much much more than you have.

DecemberSnow · 18/12/2019 12:48

They dont know each other....

Unless a very close relationship, why would they attend. This isnt normal

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 12:55

Just to add that, when I got letters or cards from people and it was clear they cared about her, it was lovely. But people turning up who had never had much to do with her, out of choice and yes, treating it a bit like a day out or just so they could say they were there. I'd honestly have preferred if they'd not come to a point. Or at least, I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy about seeing them there.

Tbh, the funeral was much more for us in the immediate family. I would have also been a bit surprised if my DH started saying he needed support at the funeral. He was there supporting me and yes, his parents did help him as he loved my mum too, but he didn't insist they travel from England to come and be his rock at MY mum's funeral. I'd have been very surprised if he had.

I know all families are different, but just giving my perspective in response to all the "it meant so much to me to have people my loved one didn't know very well at their funeral". That is so lovely for those people, but for us, it didn't feel lovely at all. There were hundreds of people at my mum's funeral and she died with not many people making any effort to see her for years. Yes, I understand why, "but don't turn up at her funeral then, looking for a drink and a sandwich", was the not so lovely thought I had at the time.

Blackbear19 · 18/12/2019 12:57

OP I'm with you. Funerals are for the living. My family think the way you do. DHs family don't.
It upsets me, doesn't exactly help me feel a cared for part of their family. But hey ho, the tables will turn eventually!

Jux · 18/12/2019 12:58

You ask if no one has ever supported a friend through a funeral. Yes, I have, quite often. But I've also kept away from the wake.

Pehaps your parents could support you and your children by staying with you for some days around the funeral but not actually attending? Perhaps they would feel more comfortable with that?

Laughterisbest · 18/12/2019 13:01

No, it's weird to go to a funeral of someone you dont know

My friend and I recently drove an almost 6 hour round trip for the funeral of another friend's father. No drama, it was to show support for our friend, whose mother had already died a few years ago.
We're in Scotland and it's not weird to do that.

There are indeed differences within the UK.

Laughterisbest · 18/12/2019 13:01

I should have said - we'd never met either of her parents.

NoGravyForYou · 18/12/2019 13:05

I'm Irish but have English family so can see this from both sides. I would expect my PiLs to attend my parent's funeral and vice versa.

Just as side note, almost everyone on this thread is using the the term wake wrong. The wake is the bit before the funeral ( in Ireland its usually at home and lasts for two days ). It comes from the times when people would stay awake beside the body to make sure they were actually dead. The wake is not the afters.

In Ireland it is very common to attend the wake and not the funeral as the wake usually has an evening session that people can get to after work.

3timeslucky · 18/12/2019 13:06

Even putting aside the funeral aspect of it I'm surprised that your parents (in good health etc) haven't asked if there's anything they can do, whether you need the kids minded etc. I can see why you would be hurt or upset about that in itself.

Some posters seem to think that the emotional bonds in a family dissolve the day children become adults. I find that really odd. You can be independent adults and still care and support each other.

OP, given the range of opinion it is entirely possible that your parents didn't think it appropriate but would be more than happy to help you out if you ask. You may be there as a support to your dh and your kids but it is hard to juggle both and it'd be nice for you and your kids (and your dh maybe) to have your parents there as back-up (or to mind a child or children who don't want to attend). There are many ways to show support.

3timeslucky · 18/12/2019 13:10

There are indeed differences within the UK

Can I also add that there are also differences within Ireland. Some of the descriptions here of 2 day events, wakes etc bear no resemblance to most of the funerals I've been to. There are urban/rural differences and well as religious differences - what with not all Irish people (or their funerals) being Roman Catholic Wink

AuntieMarys · 18/12/2019 13:10

I didnt go to my MILs funeral.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 18/12/2019 13:11

YANBU. I think your parents are out of order not attending and not being there to support you all.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 13:11

OP, given the range of opinion it is entirely possible that your parents didn't think it appropriate but would be more than happy to help you out if you ask

Yes, I agree. I think they assumed, as plenty of people on here have, that the funeral is for people who know your FIL and maybe for people supporting his wife and children. It would not occur to me to go and support the dil at a funeral, so you need to articulate why you think it is appropriate to your mum and dad. I am sure they would want to help as long as it would be something your husband and his mum and siblings would also like, which I'm guessing it would be. They possibly assumed it was a more private thing for them, but families are so different.

Nanamilly · 18/12/2019 13:15

Op, I think going to the funeral is a courtesy and I understand your thoughts on this.

whyamidoingthis · 18/12/2019 13:18

@3timeslucky - I think it was me who mentioned they are 2 day events. I was only referring to the removal and the burial/cremation, which happen on two, usually consecutive, days, not that they go on for 2 days solid.

I know in Dublin there isn't always a removal but I think that is still unusual. Removals definitely are the norm in the rest of the country.

Glassmami · 18/12/2019 13:22

My grandparents(my mums parents)came to my step-grandfathers funeral. They didn't know each other very well but they came to support my step dad, mum, me and my sister. As did my my mums siblings

PineappleDanish · 18/12/2019 13:27

We have a similar situation, my parents have only met my in-laws a couple of times. They have nothing in common and live 250 miles apart.

I wouldn't expect my patent to attend the funeral in those circumstances. I'd expect a card.