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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

339 replies

Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:27

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 18/12/2019 12:00

It seems that Scottish and Irish funerals are fairly similar in terms of attitudes towards attendance, and with big funerals being the norm.

This is very true MarSeeAh

It would be a very typical conversation after a funeral, about how many came. The idea of a big funeral is very much linked in with respect for the deceased, valuing the life they lived, and support for the bereaved. Having been through the loss of my DF not so long ago, which was a HUGE funeral, as he had had a fairly high-profile job, I know this to be true (in relation to support - it literally carries you through those first few days where you don't know where you are).

When I moved to Dublin, where it isn't as typical for everyone and their wife to go to a funeral, I was struck my some quite small funerals, and they really felt sad.

I'm really glad that the tradition here is to go to funerals, where you think you have a reason to be there. I've been to many funerals of people I never met - thinking recently, I was at the funeral of the husband of an old teacher of mine, also colleagues' parents' funerals, and one funeral for my colleague's FIL - again, I don't even know her DH, I was there for her really.

FizzyIce · 18/12/2019 12:01

Yabu, they barely knew each other .
I would feel very weird going to a funeral of someone I’d only met a few times ,just because they’re your parents doesn’t mean a close relationship with the inlaws

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 12:01

I agree that it's cultural and varies from family to family. But the OP's family (her parents) don't seem to think it's appropriate. So, it is a break from her family's 'culture' that she wants them to come along.

Personally, I'd rather keep the funeral to people who really cared about the deceased and if I needed support, not as a child of the deceased, but as their child's partner, I would want that to come at another time.

But I also see that not everyone feels that way and we all grieve differently.

I would just be very wary of any resentment building around a funeral when you are not immediate family and when the man is still living.

IdiotInDisguise · 18/12/2019 12:02

If they are close to your DH they should be going. It is about showing support to the bereaved, to show him they care.

Personally, if they are close to your DH and I would be tempted to say to say, it is ok mum. DH will take care of the kids and stay at home when either you or dad does, it is such a long way after all.

Happyspud · 18/12/2019 12:02

But @Fizzyice, they’d be going for their own Son in Law, who presumedly they do know. AND he’s actually their close family!!

JoGose · 18/12/2019 12:03

YABU, if they barely knew each other then they probably feel uncomfortable

Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 12:03

@MarSeeAh
It was me that said about liking the drama. I think some people do, same reason they lay flowers and tie balloons to lampposts when a celebrity dies they liked to be involved.
Not suggesting any of these motives are relevant here.

HighwayCat · 18/12/2019 12:04

YANBU. Sorry if I’ve missed it, but have you explicitly said to them that you’d like them to be there rather than just hinting about support for your DC? If so and they have said no I would find that hurtful. Of course it’s your role to support your DH and DC and I’m sure you know that, but that doesn’t mean you have to do that alone and without support from your own parents. Both my parents died relatively young so I’m used to having no family support and little tolerance for people that expect help routinely, but at a time like this having people show that they are there for you doesn’t seem unreasonable.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 12:04

Personally, if they are close to your DH and I would be tempted to say to say, it is ok mum. DH will take care of the kids and stay at home when either you or dad does, it is such a long way after all.

What a lovely thing to suggest. That will work really well for everyone. Please, op, take on this delightful advice .

Nobody is suggesting the op doesn't attend her fil's funeral, or not be there for her husband.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 12:06

It was me that said about liking the drama

In rural NI, I used to know of people who went to every local funeral. I lived in the city, but apparently this was a thing! Even if they'd never even met the deceased. I actually find it a little ghoulish, but others might find it lovely and respectful.

QueenofmyPrinces · 18/12/2019 12:06

YANBU.

When my husband mom died, both my parents attended the funeral. I think my mom had met her about 3-4 times and my dad maybe a few more times.

I would have been so disappointed in them if they hadn’t come. I think I would have felt embarrassed.

Ok, they didn’t know my in-laws, but they knew my husband very well, and if they hadn’t been there to support him after losing his mother, it would be almost unforgivable in my eyes.

Wakaranaihito · 18/12/2019 12:07

If you'd like them to be there for you and your family just say so. I'm sure it hasn't occurred that you might appreciate the support.

TabbyMumz · 18/12/2019 12:08

No, it's weird to go to a funeral of someone you dont know. My parents didnt go to my in laws funeral, would have expected them to, wouldnt have crossed my mind in a million years. Dont feel I need support from my parents relating to the passing of my in laws and it was my role to support husband and kids.

gabsdot45 · 18/12/2019 12:08

I'm Irish so this does seem strange to me. Irish people go to funerals of people they don't know who are relatives of people they do know all the time.
It would be nice if your parents were there to support you all. Why don't you ask them to come. It may not have occured to them

TabbyMumz · 18/12/2019 12:09

"Ok, they didn’t know my in-laws, but they knew my husband very well, and if they hadn’t been there to support him after losing his mother, it would be almost unforgivable in my eyes."
Isn't that your role? My husband would have found it weird if my parents came for his parents funeral.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2019 12:09

@gabsdot45 Not if it's a 6 hour round trip they don't (I'm Irish too)

EarringsandLipstick · 18/12/2019 12:10

In fairness, about the 'drama' comment, I don't know if 'drama' is necessarily the correct word, but absolutely there's certainly something in Ireland, particularly for a certain age group, of it being a bit of a day out. Of course, this is much more for funerals of someone who is expected to die, has lived a good life etc.

I don't see it this way myself, but the aftermath of funerals can be really sociable (again, talking about Irish funerals). There's food provided, often drink, people who haven't met each other in ages catch up and remember the person who died. It really does feel like a 'good send off'.

Again, it's that sense of community.

Snaga · 18/12/2019 12:10

I'm honestly really surprised by the responses on here.

My parents and in-laws didn't have much cause to meet up. Over the course of 16 years they've probably only seen each other 4/5 times.

But my parents appreciate that the in laws have taken me in as one of their family. My in-laws appreciated that my husband is considered family by mine too. There doesn't have to be social engagement to acknowledge that two families are blended by marriage and grandchildren.

When FIL passed away suddenly I found myself in the peculiar position of an outsider in the family. I wasn't treated poorly at any point but my grief was secondary to that of MIL, SILs, BILs and the grandchildren...as it should be. My role was to support them all emotionally and practically. My mother despite living away from us and being disabled in acute pain all the time made a point of visiting twice before the funeral. On the day of the funeral my parents and sisters came to support us and show their respects.

It meant the world to MIL that my family turned up. It also meant a lot to my husband who ended up more or less hiding out with my dad for most of the day because everything was too much for him.

Knowing there was someone there for me to lean on emotionally was priceless.

At no point did I expect my parents to act as an emotional support for us all. But they did it unprompted and it will never be forgotten.

TabbyMumz · 18/12/2019 12:11

Plus I think going to funerals is a personal choice, nobody should be obligated to go to any funeral.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/12/2019 12:11

Arya surprised being Irish you think this - 6 hour trip would be nothing to anyone I know among in-laws to attend a funeral. They may not go to the removal / wake, but they would 100% go to the funeral Mass.

Ginseng1 · 18/12/2019 12:12

Am in Ireland & my pil flew over (from uk) for my df funeral. But we had loads of family gatherings even Christmas together they had become good friends & were devastated. And they would want to be there for us & grandkids. You didn't really facilitate many gatherings for them to get to know each other though? UK has a different take on funerals in general I find.

MarSeeAh · 18/12/2019 12:12

@Lllot5 Thanks, my iPad swallowed your name for some reason.

I still don’t understand what the “drama” is though. I have heard of rare occasions when fights have broken out at funerals, but that kind of drama is very rare. Normally, they are quite lacking in drama, but are usually dignified, respectful and sociable occasions.

I’d also say that there is usually more laughter than tears at funerals, Scottish ones anyway, even when the deceased was very young and the death very tragic. Funerals are a chance for the bereaved to hear their loved one spoken fondly of, and for them to share and know the love of their family and community.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/12/2019 12:15

Tabby I kind of agree - I mean, you can't force people to do anything, really. But I think people should try and have empathy and be kind, as much as possible. I know some people who say 'I hate funerals. I never go'. But when you go, you attend a service for an hour or so, walk up to someone who is grieving and say 'I'm sorry'. That's literally it but it sends out a message to that person that their grief matters, they are cared about.

Also, while people like to think that no-one will remember who came or didn't come, I guarantee that's not true. I'm sure there are people I have forgotten who came to my dad's funeral, as it was huge. But I was struck over and over by the people who came, and I absolutely remember that. I also remember people I expected to come and didn't and that hurt. And for people who couldn't come, but who wrote me a card, came up to sympathise with me later - all that helped immensely.

GrumpyHoonMain · 18/12/2019 12:15

Yanbu. Sil’s family are wankers and her dad / gran pure evil. However, when the gran died my parents still went to the wedding and they would go if her parents died too despite not interacting them beyond basic courtesies — to support my DN.

Seeingadistance · 18/12/2019 12:18

I’m from the farming community in the West of Scotland, and big funerals are very much the norm and expected as a sign of respect, and I don’t know, of enduring community. There have been times when my parents haven’t been able to attend a funeral because they were out the country, so I went to represent my family/farm.

Farming funerals would usually be attended by 200-300 mourners, at least.