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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

339 replies

Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:27

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
SciFiScream · 18/12/2019 13:31

I'm Scottish. My Dad and his wife came to my (wonderful and much missed) MIL's funeral this summer.

They were there for his son in law (my DH) and their grandchildren. The grandchildren they shared with MIL.

It's not only about the person who has died; it's about all those left who love and grieve.

As a grandchild is involved I would hope that surviving grandparents could come to support their grandchildren.

GoGoLego · 18/12/2019 13:32

My gps went to other set of gps funerals. But they were friends in their own right and got on famously and met up without my parents being present

3timeslucky · 18/12/2019 13:34

@whyamidoingthis - don't worry - I'm not sure who it was or even if I was responding to a single comment. And it is a common enough observation.

Likethebattle · 18/12/2019 13:34

My in laws didn’t come to my fathers funeral. They barely knew him and we’d have to pick them up to take them and if mil did her usual faffing and attention seeking on that one day I would have knocked her out. After the wake my mother went to bed and me and my husband drive to the sea and just sat together. I needed that space.

Equally when my fil died my mother sent a card but didn’t come.

pinkcardi · 18/12/2019 13:37

My DF and DSister came to my FIL funeral. This meant my father flying and staying overnight, and my brother waking at 5am for early train. Many of my DHs friends also came, which was unexpected but hugely thoughtful.

I know my MIL was hugely touched that they had made such an effort. He died very unexpected and they dropped plans to come.

They'd only met a few times, but were there to support MIL and show respect.

So, I'm with you OP, surprised that your parents wouldn't attend

zukiecat · 18/12/2019 13:44

I'm Scottish and it would be very very unusual not to attend the funeral.

I attended my brother's in-laws funerals, it would have felt very odd if I didn't.

I don't know about funerals in England, but here in Scotland anyone can attend anyones funerals as they can anyones (church) wedding.

Annonymiss123 · 18/12/2019 13:47

I would have been horrified if my parents hadn't attended the funerals DH's parents - to support DH. I'm in Ireland though, not UK - it would be unusual here not to attend.

dottiedodah · 18/12/2019 13:47

I think many people dread funerals TBH. Your parents and In laws are not close so they would probably think they were not expected to go really .

Snugglepiggy · 18/12/2019 13:50

Given that your parents are fit,able to drive and stay YANBU .As a mum and grandma I would.It is a chance to see you and the GCas well assupport your DH and you as a family.And a sign of respect.But maybe I'm old fashioned?I have never felt the same about my SIL after she didn't attend my dad's funeral.She lives 2 miles away from the service,and had met him a lot of times over the years at various family do's.But my lovely PILs came and MIL looked rather ashamed her daughter wasn't there.A phone call to say sorry I can't come forwhatever reason would have evenmeant alot.But nothing.Hopefully your parents will at least send a letter or note of condolence.

Purpleartichoke · 18/12/2019 13:51

My ILs are wonderful people. It never even occurred to me they should make the 10 hour trip to attend my mother’s funeral. If they lived locally, sure, they would be there.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 13:52

It's not only about the person who has died; it's about all those left who love and grieve.

Absolutely, but I think the spouse and children usually set the tone about who they want there and what sort of funeral they want.

Not everyone especially wants people who didn't really know the deceased at the funeral. So you have to take the lead of the immediate family imo.

I am guessing the op has done so and they want the in laws there, but it doesn't surprise me that they didn't assume. They are probably the ones showing manners, courtesy and consideration by not jumping to go when they don't even know the man.

The op needs to communicate to them that it is fine and that they would all appreciate the support, assuming that is the case.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 13:54

Same here purple. It had never even crossed my mind that my in laws should be at my mum's funeral. I love my in laws, but it never occurred to me that anyone would expect them to make a huge journey like that for my mum's funeral, let alone that I should be miffed with them for not doing it.

pinkcardi · 18/12/2019 14:10

I'm Scottish too @zukiecat so maybe that's where the difference of opinion comes from.

That said, DH is v English and all his v English friends also came. It was a huge support

SilverySurfer · 18/12/2019 14:18

YABU I'm with your parents on this. It would never occur to me to attend the funeral of someone I barely knew.

I think you're being very unreasonable to guilt trip them into attending by using your children as an excuse. Let's face it, if they get upset they will want their parents.

Rosebel · 18/12/2019 14:18

My parents attended my FIL funeral and they have done this for all the in laws funerals but perhaps yours aren't going because they didn't know him. It would be nice if they came to support you but they don't have to. I don't think you are BU but all families are different.

FoxFriend · 18/12/2019 14:19

My husband and I have been together a similar amount of time, and my in-laws didn’t attend my fathers funeral a few years ago. I don’t think the idea of them coming would have occurred to any of us, as they hardly knew him (met in person twice in a decade, well into his battle with dementia).

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 14:25

I don't think it is necessarily a regional thing tbh. Or, at least, I think the traditions might be regional, but I don't think that trumps the wishes of the bereaved family. As I said, in parts of NI, total strangers go to people's funerals, if they read about it in the papers and have so much as heard the name before. Sometimes, this is done with no regard for the deceased or their family, but just like a day out, free food, free drinks, the 'spectacle' etc. Other times it is out of respect and the tone of the funeral is that of a social occasion, so the family think 'the more, the merrier'. In which case, great. But if it's the former and the family prefer privacy, it shows terrible manners for an in law to insist her whole family comes along because it's the done thing in some places.

Obviously, the op hasn't specified and I'm sure she would have the courtesy to check with her MIL and SibsIL before speaking to her parents though btw, but just in response to the "it's regional" comments. It is, to a point, but I am a firm believer that the wishes of the people closest to the deceased take precedence. Not all families are the same and not all deaths are the same. Also, the wishes of the deceased, if you know them, need to be taken into account as well. Just because it's always been the done thing, it doesn't mean that is the final word.

Some friends of mine lost very young children in the past 10 years. One was a still birth and one was a baby who died shortly after they were born. They did not want many people at the funerals, but they did want some people there. Can you imagine anyone saying "oh but in laws / extended family ALWAYS come to funerals. We simply must go"?

It isn't as straightforward as some people on here are making out. It's not "ALWAYS in Ireland / Scotland we X, Y or Z". It is quite a personal thing and depends entirely on the bereaved family imo.

BarbourellaTheCoatzilla · 18/12/2019 14:31

Honestly the multiple "I'm saddened that my parents / people on this thread think about death and funerals a different way to me and it's not on" is fucking pissing me off. Just because YOU think people should act a certain way around death and funerals doesn't mean you should be saddened or shocked that other people handle it differently, it actually makes you seem very naive to the world and ignorant, and is really rude to half the posters on this thread that agree with your parents.

It is not ok to emotionally blackmail and go on and on at your parents until they do what YOU want them to. What does your FIL want? What do his immediate family (not you) want? Maybe wait until the poor man is cold before trying to plan out his funeral the way YOU want. You sound so incredibly selfish to be honest, and if I was your husband or MIL I'd b disgusted you had even started a conversation about this online. It's not up to you to invite people to the funeral so take a step back and butt the fuck out.

eggandonion · 18/12/2019 14:59

I understand things are different in different places - but I think an offer to help out with the grandchildren would be kind, if not attending the funeral. This tends to come up on childfree wedding threads, the other granny could help out....

Mamabear144 · 18/12/2019 15:04

Although I think its lovely to show support and that's all well and good if its wanted, I had my ex's grandparents show up at my grandads wake at the family home. I think they met him once and my family do not get along with their family, it was a toxic relationship so I do think sometimes people need to realise when they are unwanted and sometimes people need to be told when they are wanted

neverornow · 18/12/2019 15:17

YANBU. I would expect my DP's to come to my IL's funerals.

Witchend · 18/12/2019 15:18

@BarbourellaTheCoatzilla

I agree. And the "never felt the same about my SIL/Brother" type comments.

I have been to large funerals. I have been to small ones. I don't see either as being better or nicer for that.

Op think about it: Would your fil really want you to pressurise your parents into coming? Answer is, I doubt it.
Does he care about your relationship with them? If he doesn't care about your relationship with them, then they shouldn't be coming anyway. If he does care, then he won't want you pressuring them.

Scarlettpixie · 18/12/2019 15:23

I think yabu to expect them to attend since they hardly know each other. I find discussing the funeral of someone who is still alive a bit odd too. And telling your children any more than grandad is very ill (I wouldn’t have upset them now by saying he is dying when he has weeks left).

You will be there to support your child (as will your DH and MIL). My son attended my mums funeral aged 9. They were very close. Me and his dad were there with him, explained everything and he was fine.

Angelw · 18/12/2019 15:41

If my daughter lost her FIL, I would certainly want to be there for her in whatever way possible, I however would not like people with no meaning to me to attend my funeral .. it’s a difficult one... certainly would not want to attend a funeral if it might feel like intrusion.. invite them

Snugglepiggy · 18/12/2019 15:43

Obviously I am out of touch with my 'type' of comment.But I did find it hurtful that my SIL who had known my dad for years didn't make the effort to contact me personally when he died.It takes nothing to write or phone briefly.Since when was offering condolences or paying respect an intrusion ?

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