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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

339 replies

Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:27

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 18/12/2019 15:54

Neither of my in laws came to my mothers funeral. My dad didn’t go to my MILs funeral. I think it would have been odd if they had.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 16:02

@Snugglepiggy

I can't speak for anyone else, but even though I am one of the people who had people who are more or less strangers show up at my mum's funeral, and did not really love it, condolences by card or letter are not intrusive, unless they are PA or rude or something. T

Turning up to a funeral though, when you don't know the deceased and when you are not there as a support to the immediate family, like the wife and children of the deceased, is not going to make me feel warm and fuzzy personally.

We are all different and grief is very personal.

Ditto inviting people to a funeral btw, when you aren't actually part of the immediate family*.

*Unless it is the express wishes of the immediate family, which I'm sure the op checked first.

wigglybeezer · 18/12/2019 16:07

@zukiecat re church weddings in Scotland: I did indeed have many extras at my church wedding in Scotland. we had organised a very small wedding for various reasons (mainly money) but lots of friends came to the church, some old schoolfriends mothers, MILs female friends and some random members of the congregation! it was quite jolly in the end! i often smile to myself reading wedding threads on here, wondering what the reaction on Mumsnet would have been.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 16:09

But weddings ARE jolly. Of course that's a lovely spectacle for people to enjoy. Who doesn't love a look at a bride coming out of a church? Turning up for a show at a funeral though is not nice to me, but people still do it. At least when the show up to a wedding, they don't stay for the reception!

foxyknoxy30 · 18/12/2019 16:12

My parents didn't attend my mil's funeral either

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/12/2019 16:18

My parents did attend my Father in Law's funeral (which was about 5 hours drive for them) but they were fairly close and have met them many times. In your case I wouldn't expect your parents to go.

rhubarbcrumbles · 18/12/2019 16:18

I wouldn't see it as odd in England for them to be at the funeral but where I am from it's not all that unusual for there to be a traditional funeral with people there who only had a distant relationship with the deceased.

It's up to your in-laws really, if they don't want to then there is no reason why they should though they could look after your children if appropriate. There is more than one way of providing support.

Laughterisbest · 18/12/2019 16:20

Turning up for a show at a funeral though is not nice to me, but people still do it

What an odd way to look at it.

I didn't notice who turned up at my father's funeral, it was all a blur.
Afterwards I was delighted that so many people had bothered.

And in my experience nobody invites anybody to a funeral. You go if you wish to.

milveycrohn · 18/12/2019 16:23

Personally, I think it odd to expect your Parents to go to your In Law's funeral, especially if they hardly know them.
They can offer support to you in other ways.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 18/12/2019 16:26

My inlaws came to my df's funeral. They wanted to support me (I was six months pregnant at the time) and look after ds if we needed it.

I think it depends on what sort of distance you are talking though. From my inlaws to the funeral it was under an one hour. If it had required an overnight stay I wouldn't have expected them to come although they would have been more than welcome.

Hidethecrisps · 18/12/2019 16:27

Here in Wales it must be similar to Ireland because it's also about showing your respect to the wider family and the bereaved as well as saying goodbyes to the one who has passed. It is very normal to go to a colleages parents funeral for example. It is seen as a mark of respect. I couldn't imagine not going to support my daughter and her family if I were your parents. I wouldn't intrude but would quietly show my respects and offer any help with the children etc. I find it shocking how many think supporting family and friends in this way is odd. Funerals must be a small affair in England!

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 16:29

What an odd way to look at it.

I didn't notice who turned up at my father's funeral, it was all a blur.

I'm not talking about my own family's funerals, I mean people that I know of who go to every funeral in the area. It's like it's a day out. If they know the name or anyone else going, they go along. The people I am thinking of are two women in rural NI. It's a bit strange to me, but it's ok if you think it's odd of me to think that.

Afterwards I was delighted that so many people had bothered.

And in my experience nobody invites anybody to a funeral. You go if you wish to.

Yes, but the op is sort of inviting her parents, who do not wish to go.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 16:31

@Laughterisbest

But I didn't especially like strangers, or people who barely knew any of us, coming to my mum's funeral. And there were a lot of them. I think, maybe, it's understandable in the circumstances. I've already explained up thread.

wigglybeezer · 18/12/2019 16:32

We have funeral notices in the post office window in our village. They usually say something along the lines of "all friends respectfully invited, family flowers only" they sometimes mention a collection for a good cause. So I suppose people are invited, just not individually.

bohemia14 · 18/12/2019 16:32

I grew up in NI but now live in England. When my dad died I was quite shocked that none of my in laws came to his funeral (it was about an hour away). They had met him but didn't know him well but I thought they would come because it was what I was used to. I would go to the funeral of a parent of a friend or colleague. It doesn't seem the same here.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 16:34

Yes, that's true wiggly. In those circumstances, people are sort of invited, just not individually.

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 16:35

It also implies you are invited if you are a "friend", not a passing acquaintance.

Newkitchen123 · 18/12/2019 16:36

I would have thought they'd want to look after their grandchildren and let you look after your husband

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 16:39

I think that would have been my solution too if it was me, newkitchen, and I suggested it pages back, but don't think the op wants that? She wants them at the funeral to support her and the children I think.

gamerchick · 18/12/2019 16:40

I wouldn't expect it. My in-law and parents met once..at my wedding. I would have expected them to go to her funeral. She was a stranger to them.

Sorry for your loss though.

BeyondMyWits · 18/12/2019 16:43

I would not expect it either - when my dad died my PIL DID offer to have the children (3 and 4) for the day - we gratefully accepted.

BrokenWing · 18/12/2019 16:47

In our family/anywhere I've worked/friends etc it would be normal to go to the funeral of a parent of someone you know, but never met, to show support/respect if it was relatively local (say within an hours drive).

I would not go if it was hours away or required an overnight stay unless I was really close to the person and/or they needed/requested my support.

RaiseaGlasstoFreedom · 18/12/2019 16:52

Op I've only got to page one and I'm interested by the '' why would they? They didn't know each other ''

Surely out of respect for your son or daughter in law you would show respect to them and ask them?

BellsAJingleTheRoastedChestnut · 18/12/2019 16:54

Surely out of respect for your son or daughter in law you would show respect to them and ask them?

You probably would, once the person had actually passed away. A little awkward to start talking about the funeral while the person is still alive!

TigerOnATrain · 18/12/2019 16:56

@Callistone YABU. Most people I know do not know (or have anything to with,) their adult childrens partner's parents. Unless they live in the same street, or the same small village or hamlet, their paths would rarely cross. It's YOU who married into this family, not your parents.

My best friend Sue's parents lived 15 minutes walk from each other, (3 quarters of a mile,) and only met three times in 20 years. Her and her DH's wedding, and the (2) Christenings of the 2 children (all within 8 years.) After that they never met again.

Then 10-11 years later, Sue's husband's parents died within 12 months of each other. Sue's parents did not go to Sue's husbands parents funerals. I know many more cases like this.

Also, the parents of the boyfriend of my friend Lucy's daughter, tried constantly to try and get Lucy and her DH to socialise with them. (Inviting them to BBQs and various get-togethers at their house.)

Lucy (and her DH) flat-out didn't want to go, as they had nothing in common. They were cordial and pleasant and gave Christmas cards etc, but they had their own family, and circle of friends.

Long story short, Lucy's daughter told Lucy (and her DH,) that her boyfriend had said his parents are very annoyed and disappointed, and feel very snubbed. Wasn't long before the relationship broke down, because the boyfriend's parents had a stick up his arse about my friend Lucy (and her husband) not wanting to socialise with them.

Batshit. They didn't even live close, they lived 25-26 miles away! I think my friend Lucy's daughter dodged a bullet. Imagine being married into a controlling and manipulative family like that, who insist you socialise with them, and get arsey if you don't! shudder Confused

I'd be proper pissed off, if any of my DC had a partner whose parents were trying to get us involved in a social life with them, and got antsy and arsey if you didn't comply... It's very odd behaviour IMO.

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