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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:
Creepster · 21/12/2019 01:29

My mum always thought she knew what I really meant, instead of what I said.
No matter how precisely or carefully I made a statement. It created problems for both of us.

Greenwingmemories · 21/12/2019 05:28

Creepster my husband does that. Answers the question he thinks I need the answer to rather than the one I've asked him. Like, if I ask him the time, he'll say, oh the train's running a bit late. But I didn't ask that, I just wanted to know the time. Does my head in!

80sMum · 21/12/2019 21:43

I don't understand why she doesn't walk to work every day anyway, if it's only 43 minutes walk. Surely that would be easy enough to do? Presumably it's only a couple of miles.

MyNewBearTotoro · 22/12/2019 00:01

I would find a 45 minute walk to and from work every day in winter when it’s dark, cold and often raining pretty miserable. It’s doable but I can see why someone would prefer a lift. Walking would mean an hour and a half of the day taken up commuting compared to probably 5 minutes in a car each way.

MolnMal · 22/12/2019 05:42

If she was that offended by you snapping at her she shouldn’t have still taken a lift from you. It’s more rude that she’s accepted a favour from you and then immediately when she got home slagged you off to another colleague that she’s upset with you.

Harls1969 · 22/12/2019 11:49

God I hate hinters. Ask or stfu! Maybe you shouldn't have snapped, but just say she caught you at a bad moment and that you're sorry. Then leave it there.

Emmz1510 · 24/06/2024 17:40

Well you gave her the lift, I actually don’t think you need to apologise, your actions said enough. If you haven’t already responded, tell the texter it’s none of their business!

fedup21 · 24/06/2024 17:53

Emmz1510 · 24/06/2024 17:40

Well you gave her the lift, I actually don’t think you need to apologise, your actions said enough. If you haven’t already responded, tell the texter it’s none of their business!

The lift was nearly 5 years ago 😂

Valeriekat · 25/06/2024 04:00

StoneofDestiny · 17/12/2019 21:50

Apologise for snapping at her in front of others and say you should have made your views plain in private

She wasn't hinting in private! Anyway a 45 minute walk isnt so bad. She sounds like a big annoying baby. How often does she bring jaffa cakes?

Valeriekat · 25/06/2024 04:02

Oh and cancel the lift!

Valeriekat · 25/06/2024 04:10

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 18/12/2019 03:53

Yeah this sounds annoying. But. Something to consider. Some people where raised to never ask for what they want. Maybe they always felt guilty for their own needs. Maybe she’s never learned to ask for what she wants. Perhaps next time she’s staring at your cake , just gently say. “Would you like a piece? Yes? “Mary” why don’t you ask me if you’d like some instead of waiting me to offer? Do you ever ask for things you better want?” Deep soul searching question. Maybe you can help her?

Or she could get her own cake. she just sounds incredibly greedy.

Workoutinthepark · 25/06/2024 05:41

SherlocksDeerstalker · 17/12/2019 21:41

Apology is enough. We all snap occasionally, and to be fair she does sound highly irritating!

Agree with this and tbh OP I think it was much needed what you did. The woman is acting like a child and it would be bloody annoying to anyone. And by the way, you offer her a bloody lift and YOU are now in the doghouse?! How about she's thankful to you for doing her a favour, or is that she just expects it, but you weren't delivering said favour in the right spirit, and thus you are open to being criticised?
Tbh she's too hard work.

Workoutinthepark · 25/06/2024 05:45

fedup21 · 24/06/2024 17:53

The lift was nearly 5 years ago 😂

If Mumsnet leave up zombie posts then they're fair game to be commented on, we come on here to relax, not to do a review of posting dates before posting 😁

AgentJohnson · 25/06/2024 05:53

You heard from another colleague that she was ’upset’, fuck that. For that alone, I would a) spend less time with her b) take delight in ignoring the puppy dog eyes bs.

I wouldn’t apologise and wouldn’t socialise with such an immature twat.

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