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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:
Baconking · 19/12/2019 19:32

I'm not sure why she needed to hint.

If one of work friends told me they had car problems and it wasn't too out of my way I'd have immediately offered a lift home.

Perhaps she thinks of you as more of a friend than you do her

mathanxiety · 19/12/2019 19:33

If she brings it up ever again in earshot of anyone else in the office, ask her nice and loudly if she got your apology and if she accepts it, as you haven't heard back from her about it.

Santasgotaredsackofitch · 19/12/2019 19:36

Not everyone is blunt or cheeky enough to "just ask". Some were brought up not to "beg" or whatever.

Me, I don't care, I'll go right for the throat, but that's me, and I don't expect others to be.forward like me.

Having said that, I have mental health issues, and will occasionally (and generally out.of character) snap, and say similar, but even I don't shout it in the staff room.

The Jaffa situation can so be solved by.... Help yourself, but be quick or I'll eat the lot!

You KNEW she'd hint about a lift home... Yet, instead of offering, you made them sweat, and hint at you like she always does....YOU KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. instead of being a friend, and.offering, you waited, so you could take out on her, that.youre stressed n pissed.off, as you had no other easy target to rage at.

Whatever her fave biscuits are (guessing Jaffa cakes) take in a pack tomorrow, and apologise.

Then later while eating lunch, say why you set on her, but.... I know you don't like asking for things, but I'd rather you just asked, my XH was a hinter (blame him anyways) and to be honest it grates me, I got brought.up.to just ask.

HermioneWeasley · 19/12/2019 19:42

Fuck an apology.

If she’s that upset she can stop mooching off you

Celestine70 · 19/12/2019 19:45

You don't need to apologise. Hopefully the hinting will stop.

64sNewName · 19/12/2019 19:45

Not everyone is blunt or cheeky enough to "just ask".

But it’s no less cheeky or rude to drop broad hints!

If I felt embarrassed to ask for something, I’d listen to my instincts and just not ask OR hint - I’d manage without it. We can all live without an unexpected lift or a Jaffa Cake.

And if it’s something you really, properly need because of an unexpected significant change of plan or whatever, then there is no shame in asking politely (directly as opposed to bluntly), whereas hinting is pointless game-playing.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 20:08

@64sNewName depending on how often hints are done and in what way then yes they can be cheeky too but I do still see it as a less confrontational way

RuffleCrow · 19/12/2019 20:13

I used to do this.

when i was about 11.

It would be different if you knew her really well and it was an in-joke between you.

Featherweight · 19/12/2019 20:16

While I hate hinters (my nanna was a prolific hinter and it drove me round the bloody bend!) if someone I consider to be a friend said their car had broken down and they'd had to get the bus that morning, and I knew it wasn't really going out of my way, I'd just offer a lift. I wouldn't wait for hints, or direct asks.

To be honest it sounds like because you know she's a hinter you deliberately left her to hint over several hours to torment her.

The food thing - she can bring her own so that's just grabby and lazy. But giving a lift due to broken down car is a bit more of a thing a friend would offer anyway, rather than dragging out her predicted hunting. You essentially wound yourself up in this situation.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/12/2019 20:20

Don’t you think it was a bit cheeky of her not to buy a return ticket when she came in on the bus, though, @Featherweight? To me, that sounds like she was planning to hint her way to a lift home - it’s a a bit premeditated for me.

Creepster · 19/12/2019 20:24

The fact that it is ongoing behavior from a a co-worker who chose not to buy a return on the bus really does scream manipulative user who plans ahead.

FeeLock28 · 19/12/2019 20:30

BlueSwathesChoose (brilliant name!) is absolutely right. This woman is incredibly manipulative, hence going to a third person to make you feel bad for reacting when it's quite clear she was behaving badly.

If you feel like apologising, do so - but don't say after it, " ... but you really annoyed me ...", as that will just keep the situation complicated. I'd distance myself from her because she can either pay for her own lunch or bring sandwiches. And put aside enough money for a bus/emergency taxi. Besides which, a 45-minute walk is not exactly a day's march!

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 20:49

@FeeLock28 while the hinter in this situation was cheeky (should buy a day ticket rather then expect a lift) depending on time and area a 45 minute walk can seem daunting if it is badly lit with a lot of back alleys etc and depending on weather

64sNewName · 19/12/2019 20:56

Sorry redapple, but there’s nothing remotely confrontational about a genuinely polite, reasonable direct request.

If you suspect it’s not entirely reasonable, that’s different, of course - but then you just shouldn’t be trying to make it happen! It doesn’t mean you fall back on hinting.

What you are suggesting seems mainly about avoiding any responsibility for expressing your wishes, all in the name of “politeness”. But it isn’t actually more polite, or nicer for the other person. It puts the burden on them to ask, while you get to maintain the image of being far too considerate to dream of asking for a favour. That’s manipulative, and many people find it irritating.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 21:09

@64sNewName It is more confrontational because no matter how polite it puts the other person in s situation where they will have to give a direct NO. Some people and indeed some cultures are not comfortable saying no as it is also seen as too confrontational etc. Not everyone is comfortable saying no so will still do a favour even if it puts a massive burden on them

64sNewName · 19/12/2019 21:17

OK redapple. If you think most people would recoil from saying a polite no, but will somehow be perfectly comfortable resisting your obvious hints, you crack on. I think you may be misjudging how you come across.

Barmychick · 19/12/2019 21:22

Get tin awfully tired of faux " sad but obviously highly manipulative souls.

Binglebong · 19/12/2019 21:25

She's a CF who has figured out that if she doesn't ask directly she can't be called out on it. After all, you offered. The fact that she makes things uncomfortable if you don't offer doesn't figure into it.

As for immediately offering a lift then no, you (or I anyway) wouldn't automatically. If you both finish at exactly the same time, neither of you want to stay 5 minutes late to finish up (she's definitely the type to stand there with her coat on), you don't want to stop anywhere, it doesn't mean any detour to your route at all making you later home, then maybe. But in this instance I probably wouldn't because she certainly seems to be all take and anyone trying to get hold of MY jaffa cakes would get short shrift!

Don't get me wrong, I can and do give lifts. If I spot someone could do with one or if they ask directly. If they try to manipulate me they can forget it.

Quirkyquichie · 19/12/2019 21:26

see now if she was laying it on thick about how long itd take to walk, id be like yeah, 40 minutes is quite a walk, why dont you ask if you can finish early so you can get a head start...but im not one for pandering to guilt trippers either. I would give her a lift if she just simply said somethinglike.. thats on your way home, wouldyou mind if I jumped in? nope, no problem, ill wait for you by the car at home time.

Raspberrytruffle · 19/12/2019 21:36

Yanbu, it might teach your colleague to stop constantly being on the want, ice had people like that in my social circle it got to the point I knew they were constantly after stuff whether it was a cigarette, money lift etc.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/12/2019 22:15

But RedApple, if you ask for a lift, they can say something along the lines of 'sorry, that won't work for me, I've got to go to xyz so can't take you.' If you're banging on about the weather and hinting, they have to get into 'oh sorry, I would take you but I can't.' And then you can pretend you weren't asking and the whole thing is so awkward! Why not just be upfront? At least with a direct question it's over and done with soon and no guessing what other people mean.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 22:45

@SamVimesFavouriteDragon I can see your point but for example if next door asked me 'can you babysit on friday?' I feel bad for saying no anfld text 'let me check with fiancé' so then have actually said to fiancé 'do you mind if we have the pizza movie night another night x wants me to babysit. So my inability to say no changed both mine and DPs plans as I hate saying no. If she went 'oh me and y want to go see this movie/try that new italian' I can text a casual 'oh great let me know what it was like x' sorted without having to reject anyone

purpleme12 · 19/12/2019 22:50

If someone said 'we want to try that new Italian' it wouldn't occur to me they were hinting they wanted a babysitter anyway to be honest

Creepster · 19/12/2019 22:53

redapple why are you projecting your issues on to the OP?

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 22:54

@purpleme12 why else mention it. You know y has kids that will need to be watched and if it's at night depending on age they won't be joining so mentioning means I need someone to watch the kids so I am letting you know so you can offer if you feel like helping