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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:
SkaraBrae · 19/12/2019 08:24

I was getting quite excited at Haifa cakes...Grin

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 19/12/2019 08:30

Interesting update, and well handled, OP.

As pp have mentioned, you now need to remain cheerful and nice, while sidestepping the hinting.

If people heard the du stance of what you said to her, they'll be wise to the hinting, too, so lifts, etc, might just be thin on the ground to her now.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 19/12/2019 08:31

Du hance = instance

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 08:39

Why is everyone assuming that she will irritate other people too? some people might genuinely prefer a less direct watly of asking forva favour so they can offer a less confrontational no by either suggesting a practical solution that does not involve them or ignore the hint by say 'awww you will need to let me know what the movie is like when you see it' if they are hinting for a babysitting request so they can go out to the cinema etc. Also while some people might find hinting whiney there has been no indication she is being liberal with the truth so it seems harsh to brand her as manipulating people to fight her battles. She could genuinely have just been upset as anyone that was snapped at would be and other people decided they need to come swooping in like a white knight. There are people like that too.

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 08:46

some people might genuinely prefer a less direct watly of asking forva favour

Are there really people who would rather be manipulated like this than just asked outright?

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 08:53

@fedup21 I don't see it as manipulation. Like most people I understand it as a request rather then a hint. Like saying 'can someone pass the salt' I don't literally mean can someone pass the salt but a 'someone pass the salt please' that does not make me sound demanding as someone can then help me get the salt on their terms and time not mine. Once someone mentions makes a hinted request I can chose to help or not. It is better because even if I say an indirect no I don't come across like a mean or bad person just as the asker does not come across as demanding.

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 09:11

*Like saying 'can someone pass the salt'

See, I don’t think that’s hinting-that’s just an open ask to a wide audience.

What my MiL would do is sit there at the dinner table like the rest of us who are all helping ourselves to a buffet-style meal and say, ‘oh look-I’ve got an empty plate and you all have got things on your plates!’

What she wants is to sit there whilst we all hold each plate near her so she can take what she wants off them rather than getting off her arse and helping herself like the rest of us. She’s not old or infirm, she’s just a complete princess.

That’s hinting-I find it very manipulative and passive aggressive.

Baguetteaboutit · 19/12/2019 09:13

But the hunters equivalent to asking for the salt would be to look dejectedly at their meal, sigh deeply then complain that it really could use some salt whilst pullimg big eyes at the person nearest the salt seller. Just ask for the salt.

SkaraBrae · 19/12/2019 09:14

fedup21 I totally agree.
It's not even shyness- shy people wouldn't ask at all.

It's basically manipulative and precious.

Plsnomorepeppapig · 19/12/2019 09:20

I absolutely cannot stand this either. Just spit it out ffs! Anyone hinting things to me gets ignored.

Halo1234 · 19/12/2019 09:22

I dont get it. Why does she have to ask out right. If u know her situation and know you are willing to help why does she need to come cap in hand and ask. If u like her and are willing to help her why would you not just automatically offer. If one of my friends/good colleagues needed a favour I wouldnt expect them to come and ask out right. That's hard to do for some people. I would automatically offer. Think you were a bit mean. Obviously u knew what she wanted. I would be mortified to be spoken to in public they way you spoke to her. If this was her thread I would be saying dont accept favours and distance yourself.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 09:22

Ok I can see that is a bad example I just meant that when someone is hinting I see it as a request and most people I know can read between the lines enough to realise this too. Some people do genuinely feel awkward asking for things beyond pass the salt please as they think it is trouble for the other person (which it is) so struggle with saying it out right that they need help because they can't do it on their own. I also prefer this as I can say no without the pressure. I do realise a lot if this is my own issue. For example it was only last year at 31 I stopped asking my mum if I may order something if we are out together for a meal and still need to order last so I can judge what I am allowed to order based on what other people have. So I can only order a cocktail if fiancé is having a beer or cocktail too. I can only have a desert or starter if everyone else is and it has to be their choice to have one so I need to go last etc

ChristmasCroissant · 19/12/2019 09:23

Her reply 'well I didn't ask the other colleague to text you" and said that she was really upset I shouted at her and needed to vent apparently.

Yeah, she hinted again and played the victim.

For the future - and I hope she's got the sense not to bother you again - just push back on whatever she's hinting about with 'what are you going to do about that?' Don't make any suggestions, just make them responsible for their actions. We've had to do this with a relative who is a major moaner, every conversation is like a test to see if you'll pick out what is bothering them. The push back method works on them too.

The percentage on the vote makes a fairly clear-cut case about hinting - you've obviously hit on a hot topic here, OP! I hope it goes OK in work for you.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 09:25

@Halo1234 Agree there with you

Howyiz · 19/12/2019 09:32

@Halo1234 hopefully the CF hinter will think the same as you and the OP can enjoy some peace.
@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 your situation is completely different unless you are passive aggressively hinting that you would really like a cocktail/dessert etc when the other person decides they don't want one.

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 09:33

For example it was only last year at 31 I stopped asking my mum if I may order something if we are out together for a meal

Right, I would say that is pretty unusual!

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 09:35

@Howyiz then it is the passive agressiveness that is the problem not the hinting. Hinting in itself is nothing wrong. It's when it comes with passive agressiveness or wanting to use people without ever returning favours, pestering (drop it after obe hint) it is an issue

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 09:38

@fedup21 Yes I do realize I am on the extrem end of needing to please people

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 09:40

is the passive agressiveness that is the problem not the hinting. Hinting in itself is nothing wrong

I would say that hinting is intrinsically passive aggressive.

Oh, I wish I had someone to share a cab home with! (rather than how are you getting home-do you fancy sharing a cab?)

I’m going to be sooo lonely this weekend, I just don’t know what I’m going to do! (Rather than-what are you up to this weekend, fancy doing something?)

Especially when the same person does it a lot, combined with doleful stares and whatever it is they want you to give them.

The odd instance from people probably wouldn’t bother me but that clearly isn’t the case here.

Dutch1e · 19/12/2019 09:58

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 it's the extra and completely unnecessary mental weight of hinting that is really draining.

You know the person wants something but you have to devote a disproportionate amount of time and energy to figuring out what the person actually wants from a range of possibilities, then come up with a way to offer it in a way that sounds helpful without being insulting to their pride, and you risk coming across as slightly interfering if they didn't want anything at all apart from a listening ear. It's exhausting.

Even the most well-intentioned hinter is being inadvertently selfish and demanding.

Quicklittlenamechange · 19/12/2019 10:07

The hinter is sitting in "Victim mode"
Staring at someone elses lunch ?
WTAF
Avoid OP -she has hit the jackpot with you losing your rag, thats exactly what she wants.

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 19/12/2019 10:40

She sounds like a classic emotional vampire:

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p079fdqp

Doesn't mean she's inherently bad, but hinters are tiresome, as it takes more emotional energy to navigate their wishes than with a straightforward asker.

I'm another one training my kids to just ask (ffs).

missnevermind · 19/12/2019 10:48

So, I have read the whole thread and to go back to your original post this whole thing could have been avoided if you would just offered her some spare change for the bus when she was first whining Wink Halo

mbosnz · 19/12/2019 10:50

I dislike animals begging for my food, and with people I like it even less. They should at least strive for a little personal dignity.

dottydaily · 19/12/2019 10:56

You did her a favour by reacting that way...she needs to learn to ask for what she wants...I hate hinters or over explainers...both equally annoying...