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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 19/12/2019 15:14

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 it's not really your place to assume other people don't know how to say "no."

Much more respectful of a person's time and abilities to simply say "the weather's shit, will you drop me home after work?"

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 15:16

Why is everyone assuming that she will irritate other people too?

This is the reaction of most people on this thread-I think possibly it’s you who are unusual here.

Emeraldshamrock · 19/12/2019 15:21

I haven't rtft. When she told you about her car why didn't you offer the lift.
There is a reason maybe learnt behaviour that she won't ask directly.
You're friends I'd automatically say that is shit sure I'm going your way I'll drop you home. No awkward pussy footing around.
If you weren't having a bad day you would not have snapped.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/12/2019 15:24

RedApple in your lift example you specifically say 'please could I have a lift?' This is not a hint, this is a question! That's not what the thread is about, so I'd stop worrying about that! I know anxiety can be really tough, but this thread is about people dropping hints as a way of getting what they want, what you just described is somebody asking for a favour

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 15:47

@SamVimesFavouriteDragon if you read the bening properly I wrote I would say 'oh no it is hailing outside' rather then 'can I have a lift .......'

Emeraldshamrock · 19/12/2019 15:53

if you read the bening properly I wrote I would say 'oh no it is hailing outside' rather then 'can I have a lift
Some decent people would notice it was hailing outside realising you travel by bus and offer a lift without you having to hint.
Others live in their own bubbles and only consider themself, some love to be asked.
Personally I wouldn't hint or ask if they didn't offer seeing it was lashing then they didn't want to.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/12/2019 17:11

RedShoes no need to be snarky, I read it as there were two options and you would do the second! To be honest I think whinging about the weather rather than explicitly asking (eg. ' the weather is miserable, sorry to be pain but would you mind giving me a lift home? I will of course pay for fuel') is actually pretty rude 🤷🏼‍♀️

Toomuchtrouble4me · 19/12/2019 17:39

Yes - chuck her an apology but be glad you did it as she might stop the silly behaviour now. On the other hand - I would have offered a life immediately, to anyone, if I went by their home anyway, in those circumstances, shame she had to hint.

Groovee · 19/12/2019 17:45

She’s a grown woman... use your words!!! She needs to get a grip!

ddl1 · 19/12/2019 17:47

I do think that you should not have snapped at her in front of others, but should have had a private word with her. By exactly the same token, however, she should have brought up how she felt with you, and not with another colleague. Especially as you did offer her a lift.

winniestone37 · 19/12/2019 17:56

Is hinting really the worst someone can do? Sure it sounds annoying, but really you had to come to mumsnet and write a mini novel on it. It feels like the person with an issue here is you I’m afraid, get a grip.

Drum2018 · 19/12/2019 18:23

Oh well, after your last update you should definitely give her a wide berth and stuff your face with Jaffa cakes while watching her drool all over her desk. Sounds like she should still be in primary school.

Turquoise123 · 19/12/2019 18:23

Very kind of you to give her a lift . Very odd of her to complain about it.

64sNewName · 19/12/2019 18:28

Well, this thread is an eye-opener.

I prefer to be self-sufficient so I wouldn’t hint and I honestly don’t expect anyone around me to offer favours, lifts, biscuits. Of course sometimes they do, and it’s a nice surprise. But I am happier when my relationships with people are free from game-playing or secret petty motives on either side.

Anyway nobody owes anyone else a lift, fgs. Wouldn’t occur to me to judge someone as selfish or oblivious for not being a mind-reader and offering.

Flip side of this is that I had no idea some people out there are actually speaking in code when they mention the weather, hoping they will be offered a lift. It sounds ridiculously indirect and almost comical.

Lou12124 · 19/12/2019 18:34

I think an apology is more than enough. At least now she knows to just say what she means instead of pussy footing about. People like that drive me up the wall and I would have snapped just like you

sleepingkat2020 · 19/12/2019 18:59

what a CF. Wants a lift, hints at it rather than asking. You snap but then AGREE TO GIVE HER A LIFT and she goes bitching about you behind your back! I would be apologising for offending her but also then telling her not to ask again as, if she has a problem with you, you would prefer her to say it TO YOU and not to other people. Shes made you out to be nasty while still then getting into your car for a free ride.

purplebunny2012 · 19/12/2019 19:04

YANBU. She's a grown woman with a tongue in her head. I'm afraid I'd have done the same

MitziK · 19/12/2019 19:12

I'd just ignore all her hints and sad eyes.

And if she found the cajones to try to scrounge from me, I'd say no. Every single time.

Can't be doing with that guilt tripping shit.

FlorencesHunger · 19/12/2019 19:13

I lose a little bit of respect for people who hint tbh. Not general hinting but the puppy dog incessant kind you mentioned.

My hinter does it about spending time with me as a friend but usually in an inconvenient way for me. It is odd and I decided if they don't ask me directly then I won't accept any form of hint. In this case it messes me about and allows them to act all wounded that I didn't take them up on their hint and or act sad while hinting, never mind that I might actually have plans or prefer to do nothing. They made this bed so they can lie in it and not expect me to jump to please them.

I had words with them which they accepted but the rot has set in now.

So yanbu.

Jack80 · 19/12/2019 19:21

Maybe just say you were quite off as you like people being straight not hinting they want something as your sorry for snapping

urkidding · 19/12/2019 19:22

Of course, if she changes her behaviour and always asks for lifts and jaffa cakes directly , you'll feel pressurised to oblige, whether you want to give them or not!

Countryescape · 19/12/2019 19:25

No loss OP. She’s a whinging victim type by the sounds of it!

DoesItGetAnyBetter · 19/12/2019 19:29

Your colleague isn’t a friend, she is a CF. The problem is she doesn’t like being called out on it.

Forget it. Everyone else will have the measure of her, exactly the same as you do.

mathanxiety · 19/12/2019 19:31

YANBU.

She's incredibly annoying and to dish dirt about you afterwards with someone else is horrible.

In light of her victim playing, I would avoid this woman from now on. She is a troublemaker.

Never give her a lift, and do not share lunch ever again.

Watch your back.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/12/2019 19:31

I notice that the woman in question was upset - but not too upset to accept the lift that @Newuser1234567 offered. Xmas Hmm