Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

[Newuser1234567]

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

@64sNewName
Nice to myself being quoted, I had hoped I'd be quoted in large print in a broadsheet newspaper, but Mumsnet, will do for starters! lol

Just because you are are more than happy to just ask, doesn't mean that people who are afraid to "just ask" are controllers for hinting. It's just as easy to say no to someone for those that as yourself are quite keen to.

At no point was the op forced to yell at the woman, nor was she obliged to then offer the lift.
.....
Separate comment.
I find on the whole, a lot of women come on here to whine about something minor, just to get approval from others, that their bad attitude was not being unreasonable.

Wouldn't it be great, if, the last week before Christmas we shared nice things.

There's plenty I could share about people I was mean to, and want reassurance, I was not being mean, but I know I was mean or at least blunt n possibly rude.

However, I don't need others to tell me, if I was good or bad, as being an adult, I know... That's from someone with a personality disorder, where I can't stop myself from saying things quite loudly.. eg, bloody hell, someone needs to wash before they leave the house, while I'm sat on a bus going to a hospital appointment. Or , fuck me, why not just smack into me, while you go past. Or , you're fucking welcome, when I as a disabled person with a walker hold a door open or let someone pass.

Come on, mnetters, it's CHRISTMAS for fucks sake, share some cheer or something funny.

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987
Surely to make conversation

If someone wanted me to do something I would expect them to ask. I definitely would not think oh childcare from that

But RedApple, there's no need to martyr yourself it's very simple, if you can't say no for a valid reason, you can fib and make up one or say 'oh I'll ask fiancé' but then say it doesn't work for you. They haven't ruined your fiancés plans by asking, you have by not saying no! 😂😂

@SamVimesFavouriteDragon is right

They haven't ruined your fiancés plans by asking, you have by not saying no

This x 1000.

You need to stop being a pushover and say no.

That's not how it works though in many cases redapple because hinters are often guilting you into getting you to do what they want. This is why people feel uncomfortable about it. Because there is that underlying sense of guilt when you ignore them. Whereas a straightforward question is much easier to answer. The only people who struggle with direct questions are those who haven't learnt to be assertive. And just read this thread, people find your hinting approach on the whole much more irritating than someone being direct.

mentioning means I need someone to watch the kids so I am letting you know so you can offer if you feel like helping

It really doesn’t mean that for most people. There honestly isn’t a hidden, secret hinted meaning behind every piece of casual chat.

I would have ignored the hinting to be honest. Can't bear that.
Her: "I have a 43 minute walk..."
Me: "Oh well, at least it's not raining! / good thing you brought a brolly!"

Her: "I don't know if I have the bus fare!"
Me: 'How much are you short? I'll lend you the fare"

Her: "I'm really hungry, I didn't bring much lunch"
Me: "Oh thats a shame. What are you having for dinner? You'll be hungry for it!"

etc etc.

mentioning means I need someone to watch the kids so I am letting you know so you can offer if you feel like helping

This is not healthy, assuming that people want things from you whenever you interact with them and they mention their plans for the day.

if next door asked me 'can you babysit on friday?' I feel bad for saying no anfld text 'let me check with fiancé' so then have actually said to fiancé 'do you mind if we have the pizza movie night another night x wants me to babysit. So my inability to say no changed both mine and DPs plans as I hate saying no. If she went 'oh me and y want to go see this movie/try that new italian' I can text a casual 'oh great let me know what it was like x' sorted without having to reject anyone

This is 100% martyr territory. If you need something from me then the onus is on you to ask me directly not for me to be forced to offer especially if you're expecting me to understand that your conversation is actually highly encoded hints at things you want me to do.

"OH and I want to try the new Italian"

"Me too, a friend of mine went recently and their pasta carbonara is apparently to die for! You'll have to let me know what its like when you go."

VS

"OH and I want to try the new Italian this Friday. Can you babysit?"

Free with no plans = "Yep no problem, what time should I come over?"

Free but need a minute to make a considered decision = "What time?"/"Let me check my diary and get back to you" ... "Yep, I'm free to babysit/sorry, already have plans,"

Have plans = "Sorry, I'm not free that night. I'm free next weekend/Saturday though if you need a babysitter one of those nights instead"

I just think interacting with you must be exhausting redapple The constant need to be vigilant for hints, nuance and subtext. All that would either fly over my head, or feel as though I was tiptoeing through a minefield of hints, expectations and disappointments.

All that nonsense about waiting for other people to tell you if you're allowed a drink, or a starter, too, instead of saying 'shall we have a drink? are we having a starter?'. You're an adult, an equal partner, not a concubine. You're placing a huge burden of 'being the grown up' upon your partner.

The irony of your self-described 'people-pleasing' tendencies is that they don't please people. They demand attention and place a burden upon the people who have to 'look after you', make your decisions for you, and act to protect your couple and family time when you won't do it.

Btw, are you a parent redapple? Do you stick up for your DCs, or do you sacrifice their needs to your desire to play the perpetual 'good little girl' too?

Sorry if that seems unkind but it's an important point. Children need parents who can assert themselves on the child's behalf, even if they cannot do it for themselves.

well I didn't ask the other colleague to text you

That was a missed opportunity

Reply should have been

“Isn’t that the problem. You never just ask. But I bet you hinted”

OH and I want to try the new Italian

In what language does that mean Can you baby sit on Saturday night

No wonder hinting goes over my head.

Btw, are you a parent redapple? Do you stick up for your DCs, or do you sacrifice their needs to your desire to play the perpetual 'good little girl' too?

Yes, I wondered this. You are setting a dreadful and very confused example to your kids if so.

You must also be constantly second guessing people to try to work out what they want. A work colleague who has just been diagnosed with autism does this-or must be exhausting.

Drive past her very slowly doing "Full moon/half moon/total eclipse" with a Jaffa cake.

@vampirethriller

That was such a good advert. Should have been used as part of the ‘Get into teaching’ campaign!

I'm in the "if you don't ask, you don't get" camp.

Apparently, my great-grandmother would say "is that the teacups I can hear rattling?" rather than ask for a cup of tea. It irritated the whole family.

@Gatehouse that sounds cute from a great-grand other! Surely she got a free pass?

@Gatehouse77: my dad used to joke: "is the kettle broken?" To get a cup of tea.

"my dad used to joke: "is the kettle broken?" To get a cup of tea."

"Thats a good idea, why don't you go check Dad? Ill have a cup of tea too, thanks"

Do I hear the teacups rattling?

No, perhaps you need to get your hearing checked out at the doctor's.

Is the kettle broken?

Yes. It's missing water and somebody to switch it on.

Yay! Someone got it Fee. :)

I'm not usually so current!

I only have enough patience for my children, she would do my head in and I'd definitely have snapped after a few times. Hinters are irritating af. Apologise, but tell her she needs to stop with the hinting.

vampirethriller 😂