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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:
whiskersonkittenss · 17/12/2019 22:01

I can't stand hinters. I feel very manipulated by them and refuse to engage unless they ask me for something outright. She sounds irritating.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 17/12/2019 22:03

So basically in the end you gave her what she wanted, and you are the one feeling guilty and are apologizing?... Really? Confused

Loveislandaddict · 17/12/2019 22:06

Who thought it was out of order, the hinter or other colleague?

If the hinter, I wouldn’t do anything. Just write it off as one of those moments.

If it was the colleague, then maybe say something along the lines of the above poster, ie. apologise for snapping, but not for what you said.

Littlemeadow123 · 17/12/2019 22:07

While she sounds irritating, if you want to maintain a good relationship with her maybe offer an apology. Something along the lines of

"Really sorry about earlier. I've been having a bad week and I shouldn't have taken my frustration out on you,".

gamerchick · 17/12/2019 22:08

Do not apologise, it won't end... Ever.

SunshineCake · 17/12/2019 22:12

Oh god don't say what Littlemeadow said Hmm.

VanyaHargreeves · 17/12/2019 22:14

The other people over hearing you snap isn't great

BUT

I know exactly what you mean by big wide eyed hinting and it's so rude and annoying in general and worse when someone has eaten their own meal or pudding and is greedily eyeing up yours

A guy at uni was like that. He wasn't a looker, and his greedy Bruce Bogtrotter piggy eyes made him even more repulsive.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 17/12/2019 22:15

I don't think you were out of order at all. She sounds incredibly tiresome and you weren't even rude. If you apologise for that non event, she'll just keep doing it.

Expat1986 · 17/12/2019 22:15

Why would you apologise?!

I hate hinters they drive me crackers.

I've spent the last few years saying to my kids "use your words"... "so what do you want to ask me" etc etc etc

You agreed to the lift when she eventually asked for it. So all sorted.

Ignore all future hints - she's not a child and can formulate a question.

Mrsmadevans · 17/12/2019 22:17

She sounds like a right PITA OP , don't give her anything in future let her get on with it. She isn't a child.

Thelnebriati · 17/12/2019 22:17

Hinting the way she does it is passive aggressive, she is being unreasonable.

Cornishclio · 17/12/2019 22:18

She sounds incredibly annoying and this would put me off ever doing her favours again. Is she just targeting you with hints re food and lifts or do other colleagues get this "poor me" whingeing? Going behind your back and bad mouthing you to other colleagues would determine I would never do her favours again or you will never get her to stop.

DonKeyshot · 17/12/2019 22:19

So she's not just a hinter, she''s an ungrateful little shit stirrer otherwise there wouldn't be 'another colleague' fighting her supposed battles for her AFTER you'd given her a lift.

Do NOT apologise to her. Ignore the other colleague's remarks and if you want to take the wind out of both their sails, presupposing you have the hinter's number, why not offer her a lift in the morning or at least ask if she's managed to get her car sorted?

PixieDustt · 17/12/2019 22:19

Urgh I hate hinters.
YANBU. Plus if she's hungry being more food!

Awittyusernameishardtofind · 17/12/2019 22:19

She was so upset she accepted the lift 🙄

PixieDustt · 17/12/2019 22:19

Bring*

ActualHornist · 17/12/2019 22:19

God YANBU. I can’t bear this hinting shit either.

If you want something from me, just ask. The worst I can say is no, right?

As for her being upset - she needs to get a grip of herself.

bridgetreilly · 17/12/2019 22:20

"Sorry I snapped. In future, though, I really would prefer you just to come out and ask if you need a favour. Thanks."

Butterfly84 · 17/12/2019 22:21

Why would you apologise?!

Maybe because she shouted at her in public and upset her.

Yes, you need to apologise. She is your friend and you had a go at her. She might be annoying with the hinting but you've told her what you think of it now, but you didn't tell her in the best way.

Apologise and expect her not to do it again. If she does, call her out on it in a polite way, not by shouting at her.

MyNewBearTotoro · 17/12/2019 22:21

I wouldn’t even apologise. She was put of order hinting to that extent and it would have wound me up too. To be honest I would just point blank ignore any future hinting, no matter how obvious she tries to be, and only give food/ lifts etc if she asks politely.

Butterfly84 · 17/12/2019 22:22

Honestly cannot understand why people are shocked that she's upset.

If you're shouted at by a friend, you're bound to feel somewhat upset/embarrassed/annoyed.

YappityYapYap · 17/12/2019 22:24

Apologise and pat yourself on the back that you didn't slap her. She sounds annoying but harmless

DonKeyshot · 17/12/2019 22:26

In the run up to Christmas nerves get frazzled, people get tetchy, it's part and parcel of the festive season.

Fgs don't reveal your private woes to her or the other colleague as neither sound trustworthy and it's likely your personal business will become the subject of gossip.

Youseethethingis · 17/12/2019 22:27

Oh FFS. We are trying to coax 8 year old DSD out of this shit - “use your words, please is a good one to use” Etc. What’s annoying in a child is generally insufferable in an adult. YANBU.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 17/12/2019 22:33

Like others said just apologise for snapping and if you feel comfortable explain it's a bit of a stressful time and your fuse is too short at the minute.

That said the hinting is irritating so although you probably shouldn't have snapped in front of a room full of people I can see why you were annoyed.

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