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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:

Knickersinonehand · 19/12/2019 10:56

Sounded like you were the adult OP even if you were a bit heavy handed initially.

I was raised through manipulation, some hinting but mostly bribery, like: “do this or I’ll tell your Dad that…” “I’ll tell your Grandma if you don’t..” “you won’t get chocolate if you don’t…..” I didn’t understand how to ask for things directly.

I remember as a 16 year old at my first job I said to “'Sandra' give me a crisp or I’ll tell 'Mark' that you printed that out wrong” to which 'Sandra' replied calmly in front of the office “I’ll give you a crisp but don’t ever try to bribe me again.” At first, I was upset and annoyed and thought she’d made a scene, in fact she was calmly calling out my behaviour which made me question my behaviour. Point is I learned a valuable lesson that day, I never used bribery again.

You dealt with her behaviour at the time and you were probably at boiling point. Pointing out this in front of everybody may make her take a look at herself and make others aware of what she is like.

SonEtLumiere · 19/12/2019 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/12/2019 11:33

RedApple the difference in your situation is it sounds like you are just waiting for other people to go first? Hinting would be 'oh I really fancy a drink! Oh but you're not having one are you? No, I can't have one then. I'll feel bad if I'm the only one drinking.' Etc ad nauseam. That would be you making people feel they had to have one.
I think the difference between your (as you called it) people pleasing and the hinting is that hinting is designed to make others please you!

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 11:53

@SamVimesFavouriteDragon I can see where you come from but to me it is a way of saying I really need help with xyz but please don't feel like you have to help I feel bad enough for asking and I hate being a burden by pushing interaction with me onto you so please do feel free to say no if you don't want to help etc

mbosnz · 19/12/2019 11:59

to me it is a way of saying I really need help with xyz but please don't feel like you have to help I feel bad enough for asking and I hate being a burden by pushing interaction with me onto you so please do feel free to say no if you don't want to help etc

But why on Earth wouldn't you just say that?!

FruitcakeOfHate · 19/12/2019 12:04

Good riddance, OP! Now cut her a wide berth. She can hint at someone else. Stop handing over your lunch, FFS. Ignore her. She knows it won't work anymore.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 12:08

Ok here is a scenario 'i could say oh no it is hailing outside' or I could say 'mbosnz I really hate to trouble you. You see the issue is as you know I don't drive and it would be a one hour walk back home and the bus is never reliable in this weather so I could be standing out there even longer. I normally would not ask for a favour like this but as my house is on the way to you could you please give me a lift. I realise this is a busy time for you so please feel absolutely free to say no I will have to figure out something else. I know you probably just want to be left alone after work I am really so sorry...'

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 12:10

@ mbosnz sorry forgot to tag you in the previous post 😅

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 12:11

So I can only order a cocktail if fiancé is having a beer or cocktail too. I can only have a desert or starter if everyone else is and it has to be their choice to have one so I need to go last etc

This sounds like you have a fair few anxiety issues about what is acceptable or not socially.

I would argue that hinting was definitely not!

lovemenorca · 19/12/2019 12:14

* So I can only order a cocktail if fiancé is having a beer or cocktail too. I can only have a desert or starter if everyone else is and it has to be their choice to have one so I need to go last etc

I feel for you but bloody hell... I sympathise with your fiancé and friends. Exhausting and irritating having a friend like this. add worse by fact they often feel they are being easy and accommodating, when they’re really really not

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 12:15

If you told me it was hailing, I’d have a look and agree. End of the conversation unless we wanted to talk about the weather for a bit.

mbosnz · 19/12/2019 12:15

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 I see where you're coming from, but gosh, people generally don't mind someone asking for a favour, with a quick, no harm no foul if it's not a goer, I understand it's putting you out.

If you said, 'gosh it's hailing out', I'd most probably look out, and agree, and that would be that, not realising that you were actually wanting a lift - I really can be that dense if otherwise occupied - and the person hinting is not my mother! Which is a shame, because I'd happily give you a lift.

ArranUpsideDown · 19/12/2019 12:17

She wanted OP to offer, so that she could feel valued, or special in some way. She wants the OP to offer to share her Jaffa cakes because she wants to feel like OP cares for her.

^^ This.

A family member's sense of entitlement was so vast that he used to confuse making a request with having to beg. Effectively, it was:

Give me [X] without me voicing a desire for it. I will mock you if I don't want it. But my wrath will be unending if you don't offer it as tribute to me. Likewise, if I have to tell you that I want it, you're forcing me into the servile position of having to beg. And my wrath will be unending etc.

Some people substitute martyrdom and spoon-stirring for wrath but you catch the drift.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 12:19

@fedup21 its more to make sure to keep the bill even as if out with fiancé it comes out of the joined account so I don't want to order king prawn starter and lobster main with a cocktail if all he is having is dough balls, cesar salad and a diet coke etc. I feel guilty etc.

If out with others if it is the first time I have no clue how they want to split the bill that is most convenient for them do they want to split evenly, each pay for own, take turns? I want to know what is easiest for them. If we each pay own it could take longer to sort the bill maybe they just want to take turns so we can just pay and leave without faffing about. So to keep it simple I try to match the cost

lovemenorca · 19/12/2019 12:26

She wanted OP to offer, so that she could feel valued, or special in some way. She wants the OP to offer to share her Jaffa cakes because she wants to feel like OP cares for her.

She wanted the OP to offer because then she wouldn’t have to go to the effort of womaning up and being direct.
She wanted the Op to offer to share her Jaffa’s because she likes Jaffa cakes but doesn’t go to effort or buying herself.

Equanimitas · 19/12/2019 12:44

What my MiL would do is sit there at the dinner table like the rest of us who are all helping ourselves to a buffet-style meal and say, ‘oh look-I’ve got an empty plate and you all have got things on your plates!’

What she wants is to sit there whilst we all hold each plate near her so she can take what she wants off them rather than getting off her arse and helping herself like the rest of us. She’s not old or infirm, she’s just a complete princess.

Goodness. After a few goes of that sort of behaviour, I'm afraid I'd say "Buffet's over there, MiL" and leave her to it - empty plate and all.

Jengnr · 19/12/2019 13:10

its more to make sure to keep the bill even as if out with fiancé it comes out of the joined account so I don't want to order king prawn starter and lobster main with a cocktail if all he is having is dough balls, cesar salad and a diet coke etc. I feel guilty etc.

That’s not that simple. Why not just say ‘my lobster and martini cost more so I’ll chuck some more in’

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 13:22

its more to make sure to keep the bill even as if out with fiancé it comes out of the joined account so I don't want to order king prawn starter and lobster main with a cocktail if all he is having is dough balls, cesar salad and a diet coke etc. I feel guilty etc.

Why not just say, ‘are people having starters or just mains?’

Then pudding is decided after you’ve had your main course anyway?!

None of your social anxieties seem to have anything to do with the hinting the OP is referring to though.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 13:47

@fedup21 because they can then ask what I want to do which I want to try avoid as I want ti suit what other people want

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 13:49

Because it comes out of the household account as it is a date and not my own personal account. If I said I will transfer it back fiancé will then tell me not to be silly but I still feel bad

purpleme12 · 19/12/2019 13:50

I'm sorry but I would find that incredibly annoying and would get fed up of it

Howyiz · 19/12/2019 14:23

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 you need to get some help with your anxiety. That level of bowing down to others is not normal.

DarlingNikita · 19/12/2019 14:23

Going by your update I find her even more annoying now

Howyiz · 19/12/2019 14:23

And I mean that in a nice way!

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 19/12/2019 14:54

@Howyiz I do realise that and I do realise it is due to certain things that have happened but I am working on it

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