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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:
SherlocksDeerstalker · 17/12/2019 21:41

Apology is enough. We all snap occasionally, and to be fair she does sound highly irritating!

Apackoflips · 17/12/2019 21:44

Cant stand hinters. I will deliberately not take the hint or ask further questions of people who do this. Just spit it out or take yourself off to someone who will pander to you.

Blowandgo · 17/12/2019 21:45

People like her irritate the bejesus out of me. Ask or you do not get is my motto. I used to say it to the kids too - do not hint, do not stare or point or try using mind control just USE YOUR WORDS.

You were not unreasonable, she is an arse and deserved it.

Dottysmum18 · 17/12/2019 21:45

possibly embarrassing to have snapped while other people where present but thats rrally annoying.
simply explain your stressers atm and ask that she be more forthcoming and tell her all hints from now on wil be ignored

DukeChatsworth · 17/12/2019 21:47

Loathe hinters. Makes me want to deliberately refuse to help. Just really pisses me off. I can’t help it. So I’d have probably snapped too. Just apologise, that’s enough.

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2019 21:47

She sounds irritating, you weren’t out of order. She is also drama llama-ing.

Your colleague is stirring.

By all means apologise for being snappy, but follow it up with a chat (kindly, in the car, as you give her a lift) about how you respond much better to a direct question than a hint and if you can help you’ll do so gladly and if you can’t you’ll tell her so, and then there’s no guilt or hard feelings and everyone knows where they stand.

purpleme12 · 17/12/2019 21:48

I wouldn't worry too much

I'd much rather someone came out and directly said something to me rather than just hinting

Summercamping · 17/12/2019 21:49

God she sounds irritating. I wouldn't rush to apologise, maybe just for the tone you used but what you said is not unreasonable and she should take it on board. I couldn't put up with that sappy behaviour for long.

Although I have form for crankiness.

Havaina · 17/12/2019 21:49

YANBU. Why do you feel guilty?! I bet you she’ll be back to hinting in no time. Or hopefully she’ll learn to ask. But if she asks be ready to say no when you need to!

StoneofDestiny · 17/12/2019 21:50

Apologise for snapping at her in front of others and say you should have made your views plain in private

SabineUndine · 17/12/2019 21:50

My mother used to do this. It drove me wild. I learned to ignore it completely and if she eventually did ask me for whatever she wanted, i would say no. It feels very manipulative to me.

gamerchick · 17/12/2019 21:51

You haven't done anything wrong OP and if she's playing a victim then grow that skin to her hinting. Don't pay attention to it at all.

No way I'd be apologising. She needs to pack it in.

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2019 21:51

People like her irritate the bejesus out of me. Ask or you do not get is my motto. I used to say it to the kids too - do not hint, do not stare or point or try using mind control just USE YOUR WORDS.

This, though! I am part-way through training the DC. Why say “Muuuum, I can’t reach the cup” with an accompanying Daily Fail sad-face when what you mean to ask, cheerfully, is “Mum, please would you help me get a cup down?”

ASK FOR THE THING YOU NEED. Do not vocalise your problems, identify the solution and bloody well ask!

7yo7yo · 17/12/2019 21:52

She can’t be that upset, she still asked for a lift!

Haffiana · 17/12/2019 21:53

Meh. She hinted to the work colleague that she wanted her to tell you that she was upset...

Don't feel bad.

Queenoftheashes · 17/12/2019 21:53

You gave her a bloody lift what more does she want??

senua · 17/12/2019 21:56

I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order.
Haha. She's compounding the problem. Can't ask direct questions and then doesn't grumble to your face either!Grin

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 17/12/2019 21:56

I can’t stand hinters either. I also say the same to the kids as a pp has said.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 17/12/2019 21:57

I can't believe you give her your lunch. She sounds fucking irritating.

Blowandgo · 17/12/2019 21:57

@NoSquirrels exactly!!!!

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2019 21:57

You gave her a bloody lift what more does she want??

She wanted OP to offer, so that she could feel valued, or special in some way. She wants the OP to offer to share her Jaffa cakes because she wants to feel like OP cares for her. I would bet my life she never offers to share her own stuff with OP, however...

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2019 21:58

Nah, she's behaving badly. She's hinting, taking and now bad mouthing uou.

Don't apologise. She needs to learn to behave and be an adult.

fedup21 · 17/12/2019 22:00

She sounds like a nightmare.

I wouldn’t have snapped at her but I wouldn’t have offered her a lift/Jaffa cake either! Head tilt, awww and look disinterested next time.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 17/12/2019 22:00

You have done absolutely nothing wrong OP.

My BIL is like this. He is very immature for his age (30!) and there is a suspected undiagnosed ASD. One time my husband and I ordered a takeaway and BIL turned up unannounced, which was absolutely fine. BIL stared at me the entire time whilst I was finishing my last couple of slices of pizza, with the sad puppy dog eyes, and I had to call him out on it because it was extremely rude and quite off putting.

This woman needs to get a grip.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2019 22:01

Don't say a thing. Let it settle. She's annoyed you publicly many times by hinting at you. Maybe she'll stop it now. If you're very lucky!