Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

[Newuser1234567]

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

She sounds incredibly annoying. I suppose you could have told her more privately or in a nicer way, but you didn't and that's life. It's no big deal.

The other colleague sounds like a shit stirrer and I'd be tempted to tell her so. I cannot stand being tone policed. People should focus on their own speech/actions and not mine, unless they consider themselves perfect.

I'd have given her the lift in good grace.
Somebody wise once told me, to do what you have to do in good grace. Whether that was sleeping the floor or being civil with someone you hate.
If you can't do it with a good heart, don't bother your arse was more or less her message. And if it's sweeping the floor, just have a little bit of grace about you rather than fury.

You could of course have mentioned the price of biscuits on the journey....

What's more of a big deal is the OP shouting at her colleague in the staff room..... OP skimmed over that a little, but that's the long and the short of it. That was unprofessional.

It's interesting that your colleague had a bit of a go at you but didn't offer this woman a lift home and left that bit up to you!

Anyway, I think I'd stop giving in to your friend in future. Until she realises that passive aggressive hinting won't get her what she wants (with you anyway), she'll carry on doing it. I actually think you're probably a very nice person and a people pleaser, and that's why you were at the end of your tether with her as it happens too regularly, since she knows you're a bit of an easy target.

Look up the drama triangle and see how people pleasers (rescuers) end up as persecutors when pushed too far as they become resentful from being taken for granted. Moving to more honest communication will mean this kind of thing won't happen. If you find it hard to resist her hinting and staring, make an excuse to leave or just change the subject.

If it were me I might apologise for snapping but it would be half-hearted under the circumstances:
'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you but your frequent hinting is annoying beyond measure'.

The OP is not a people pleaser.

She took the lift and then bitched about you to a mutual colleague? I'd never do anything for her again. What a rude pain in the arse she sounds.

It may have been slightly unreasonable of you to snap at her, but YWNBU to be fed up of the hinting!
Apologise for the snappiness, but not for the content. Tell her that you much prefer to be asked outright and you will not respond to hints - hopefully that will fix it.

Yeah this sounds annoying. But. Something to consider. Some people where raised to never ask for what they want. Maybe they always felt guilty for their own needs. Maybe she’s never learned to ask for what she wants. Perhaps next time she’s staring at your cake , just gently say. “Would you like a piece? Yes? “Mary” why don’t you ask me if you’d like some instead of waiting me to offer? Do you ever ask for things you better want?” Deep soul searching question. Maybe you can help her?

Most people don't like having to ask outright for favours. I'd go an arse about face way of asking someone for something too. The end result is you gave her a lift - you knew what she was hinting at - you could have just offered, saving her having to beg and you shouting at her.

Ok, so she's fond of a biscuit. It's not like she asks for favours all the time.

I think you need to get some distance from this co-worker who won't even let you eat your lunch in peace.
You surely should have told her off in private, not public, but it is easy to see how her constant poor mouthing, and vulching your food, is on your last nerve.

@Newuser1234567

I would never give her a lift again and I would make sure she knew why... she sounds like a right pain in the neck.

Don't give it another thought. Hinting is manipulative behaviour and deserves to be called out. She has spotted your susceptibility and that's why she targets you.

From now on eat your lunch out of drooling distance and ignore all future attempts to extract food and favours that you don't feel like offering. She will eventually move on to someone else.

She needs to take responsibility for her needs and ask instead of manipulating others into offering. Hinting is so manipulative.

All this drama over what is essentially a 2mile walk? I would avoid her, her hinting would drive me insane.

I'm a graceless human, but after hinting THE GLARINGLY OBVIOUS to you, followed by you snapping and farting, I'd have told you to shove your lift up the highest part of your hole that you could find - and probably added that you'll know when you've reached it because that's where you'll find your head.
For Christ's sake, would it have broke your heart to just offer her a fucking lift when she was stuck?
I don't get the British 'I'm alright Jack' mentality at all.
Some day, you'll need help from someone too OP.

Did you respond to your friend's colleague?

I think you've made your position clear. I would ignore any and all future hints. As pp have suggest, bat hints back.

I'm not surprised she was discussing it with her friend. You shouted at her and made a holy show of her in front of her colleagues. Disgraceful conduct.

I dont think you did anything wrong. I think she sounds massively annoying. I think I'd only bring in enough lunch for myself. Why is she starving? Why doesn't she bring enough lunch?!

I get it, and it’s bloody INFURIATING when you know exactly what someone wants from you, but won’t just outright ask. Dear Lord, just be more assertive and ask if they’d mind!
I probably wouldn’t have snapped quite loud enough for all to hear, I’d have just sighed and asked if she was hinting for a lift and then ask her to outright ask if she wants something in future, but that’s all I would apologise for.
Also, staring at someone’s food seems really weird to me, bring your own dam Jaffa cakes!

Saying that I don’t have friends queuing up out of the door, soooo...

Christ that made no sense, and was full of spelling mistakes, night feeds are not my friend!

When you are calmer, just have a gentle talk and say to her than hinting is actually manipulation, and asking directly is respect. Its a bad habit she has picked up and that life really will go a lot smoother when she communicates clearer.

People sense when they are being manipulated and so she is probably making her life harder with more people being angry, than if she asked clearly.

She has the right to ask, and other people have the right to say either yes or no. It isn't personal.

I loathe this.

Probably a little embarrassing for her to be snapped at in front of others, and for that you can make the decision regarding whether or not you apologise. Or play her at her own game, and just hint at it!

When I get hinters hinting at me, I normally just say 'Oh wow. That sucks/That's too bad. I hope you figure something out'. Then just leave them to it.

How fucking patronising and incorrect can you be LadySutch?

Off topic, but I love all these posters gobshites who put Lady in their name...