Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

[Newuser1234567]

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

God forbid any of you might actually help anyone out.

I’d apologise for snapping at her in front of other people. But hopefully she’s got the message now! Another time she does this, ignore her and let her do the 43 minute walk.

I think it's safe to say you can scoff your biscuits on your own from now on as nobody will be disturbing you.

You gave her a lift and she bitched about you. Some friend.

You can apologise for the way it came out, but not the actual message

She went and had a grumble. Very indiscreet of her. I wouldn't make anything other than a quiet 'sorry I was snappy the other day'. She got a lift after all and a whole lot of bisuits over time no doubt.

GAHD that's annoying. just say I'm sorry for snapping and forget, but she'd better pack it in or i'd be snapping again!

I feel irritated just reading that. What a twat.

Everything OK, DoTheHop?

OP, I do think many people, especially women (wonder why ), struggle with asking for things directly. I think there's also culturally something about asking that puts the asker in a 'weaker' position and some really don't like that. I can empathise (not sympathise) with the impulses that make your colleague behave as she does because I too hate asking anyone for help or favours of any kind. However, in your colleague's situation I would just eat my own food/suck up the walk. I certainly wouldn't go round hinting that other people should take care of me. I think it's that sense of entitlement ('I deserve this but don't want to put myself in the position of asking') which is annoying you. You've blown the lid off it and her recruiting another colleague is her way of trying to shame you into restoring the previous status quo.

Separate your justified irritation from the manner of its delivery. Apologise sincerely to her for snapping, then add 'please, if you want something from me in future, just ask directly, I would much prefer that'. Simple candid clarity is exactly what she can't cope with and wants to prevent happening.

I'd apologise for snapping and just grey rock her when she starts up her next round of emotional blackmail and forevermore.

I don't know how you haven't lost it with her before now. How annoying to have this complaining shadow who never lets you have your lunch in peace.

@ScreamingLadySutch lol I doubt she'd thank OP for making such a personal and critical observation. It isn't our role to facilitate our colleagues personal growth by pointing out their character flaws. Has anyone ever responded well to this?

OP, she's annoying but calling her out in front of other people was unkind and unhelpful. There's no point being right if you look like a jerk while you do it.

But you've apologised for being snappy so I'd draw a line under it all. And I wouldn't share my lunch or a car with someone who gets under my skin. Just smile and deflect next time 'oh how frustrating for you. Now, what is happening with [insert work related change of topic]'

I'd find this behaviour unbelievably childish and clingy, in the manipulative way stated above. You'd always have her in mind, and not in a good way, what you'd be aware of is how much she wanted your time and food. As to whether you were unprofessional, I'm never on this side I'd things but I think in this instance I'd stand by you. Your path ahead now is a careful one. You don't want to go back to how things were, and there'll be pressure to do so, so think it through.

I grew up neither hinting nor asking. My teenage son is a polite asker, sometimes with a shade of brass neck but always graciously accepts a rare no. He gets what he wants in lots of areas of life. I didn't teach him that and I'm rather envious of him

If you want to respond to anyone, I would respond to the person, who text you, not her. Otherwise you are rewarding her bad behaviour. If you do respond, I’d thank the person for letting you know and say you are finding all the hinting and begging for food awkward. I don’t think I’d bother though as it could be used against you at work. I’d let them be besties together tbh.

How annoying. I have a colleague who is remarkably similar.

She has decided she no longer wants to pay for parking (tbf neither do I!) near our workplace amd so has started walking to work - only about 10 minutes. But she sighs, and complains every day about how it is dark, or cold, or raining, and then signs even more theatrically as the day draws to a close.

Everyone ignores her. Where she lives is a ten minute walk, but the one-way systems in our town means it is actually a total ballache to get to her house, so it would take anyone out of their way (and me at least 20 minutes out of my way due to the fact I would have to doubleback onto myself ).

What she means is that she doesn't want to pay £5 a day, and she wants other people to pick her up and drop her off, thuis wasting their own time and petrol and then we have to park anyway.

She 'hint's on other stuff too all the time- mainly trying to get other people to do her work for her while she plays on her phone.

(She annoys me).

I didn’t answer why adults use this behaviour. I can only say from my POV. My mother is passive aggressive and narcissistic. I used to ask for things as a child and young adult and not get them. I used to be offered things and get the offers retracted. I learnt that asking for things was dangerous as I’d get hurt so I tried to ask for things by making it seem like it was her idea. I wasn’t very good at it though.

As an adult, I had to learn to ask. I’m still very very bad at asking for help.

And on the collegue who texted- there is a flying monkey. She's managed to hint a lift out of you and she's managed to hint a compliant on her behalf out of someone else.

Quite the manipulator.

I purposely ignore hinters to the extreme. If you want something, ask for it like an adult fgs!

Hi, just an update/clarification of sorts.

Yes, I did snap at her in the staffroom, which was definitely out of order, and I'm apologising at work today (she hasn't asked for a lift this morning!)

However, I didn't say yes to the lift yesterday for any reason other than that I like her as a person and I don't mind helping her out.

Oh, and it was the hinter that was grumbling that I was out of order, not the other colleague.

She's been a hinter ever since I've known her and I think all my pent up annoyance came out at once. Thanks for all the replies, I'll apologise to her today at work.

I’d say sorry for snapping but I’m future please just ask straight out.

Hinting is really annoying, not surprised you snapped!
I now just totally ignore hinting, which is probably really mean of me but I figure I am a nice person and so why not just ask me outright

I would apologise and explain that while you absolutely do not mind her asking for things and are more than happy to get her out, you find the hinting frustrating. She must be really embarrassed! Although I would have snapped as well.

I am rather proud of you OP! I would have done the same! I hate dithery (is that even a word? ) hint dropping ,doe eyed innocent crap too.If you want something just ask..be direct.I bet 9 times out of 10 you already know what she wants before she does! The thing I find insufferable is that they think you are thick and they are playing you ..errr no Janice just waiting to watch you play out the full pathetic scene! People like your friend suck the life out of me.They bring not one thing to the party except pointless waffle and twaddle., I bet it will be something else she is angling after today! Oh and one more thing..Jaffa cakes are not for sharing How did you not know that?!!!!!!!