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Original poster

Was I rude? To have told her to stop hinting and just ask me directly....

389 replies

Newuser1234567 · 17/12/2019 21:39

New poster here. Long time lurker though.

I'd consider myself good friends with one of my colleagues. We met through work a couple of years back and don't meet up too much but often chat at lunch break and occasionally grab a coffee together.

She is really nice, but she is a massive hinter! To the point where it is actually annoying. For example, we take our own lunch to work, sometimes I bring some jaffa cakes or something to have with my lunch. Usually I offer her one as I know she likes them. However if I don't offer or she wants another one she will sit there and stare at them with longing eyes like my labrador does. She'll make comments about being really hungry because she didn't bring much for lunch, with a pointed glance at my food. She won't actually ask though. This happens on a pretty regular basis and isn't the only example of her hinting.

I may have been a bit rude today and am feeling guilty. I'm not having a great time anyway, XH hasn't paid maintenance yet again (!!!) so am a bit stressed trying to sort that out, DS has been off sick too much this year and I've had a not very polite letter off the school. So I'm quite stressed and was a bit snappy with her today.

Basically I can get to and from work via her house. Not the quickest way but it works. She came into work this morning huffing and puffing saying the car wouldn't start and she had had to get the bus in. Fair enough, I sympathised with her, not great when that sort of thing happens.

Come lunch break she is strongly hinting that she wants a lift home, saying she doesn't know if she has enough money for the bus fare, with pointed glances at me, going on google maps and calculating that it would take her 43 minutes to walk back, etc. Looking at me the entire time. With sad dog eyes and everything.

This is where I was definitely BU, I was a bit fed up by this point and said 'look if you want a lift please just ask me for god's sake. I really hate when you hint at me. If you want something ask'

She looked a bit put out but did say she wanted a lift, which I did for her. I got a text from another colleague a few minutes ago saying she's a bit upset I 'had a go at her' in the staffroom, and she thinks it was a bit out of order. Admittedly other people were there and I wasn't that quiet. I feel really bad about upsetting her, is an apology enough or should I do something else?

OP posts:
messolini9 · 17/12/2019 23:20

Like others said just apologise for snapping and if you feel comfortable explain it's a bit of a stressful time and your fuse is too short at the minute.

BEJAYSUS - don't do this OP!
You don't need to offer an excuse for expressing your understandably snappish feelings. Friend needs to accept that her hints are unreasonable. Telling her you only snapped because of your own internal stressors just gives her an excuse not to accept her own responsibility for annoying you - she genuinely needs to understand that you snapped because SHE annoyed you, not because you had something else going on.

She got a lift out of you. She gets jaffa cakes etc. Does she ever do nice little things for you? When does she consider YOU, & YOUR feelings?
Or does it always boil down to 'poor little me, with the monopoly on hurt feelings'?

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 23:21

BINGO, @MamaWeasel! Grin

DoTheHop · 17/12/2019 23:21

IMO you were rude and unprofessional.

Feelingabitashamed · 17/12/2019 23:21

You could apologise for snapping but definitely follow up affirming the very valid point you made about not hinting.

Total pain. At my last job a girl at work stared like a hungry retriever at my packet of chocolate cookies (that I had bought to share at breaktime) all bloody morning. I felt like going out and throwing them to the birds.

incognitomum · 17/12/2019 23:23

Don't apologise. They both sound like daft bints.

whiskersonkittenss · 17/12/2019 23:24

@Skittlesandbeer

That's how I feel about them too.
The manipulation that goes into hinting to get what they want, I wonder if they even understand what they're doing? Do they feel smug for not "using their words"? I can't stand them. If you can't ask me for what you need then you don't need it.

Lockheart · 17/12/2019 23:26

It was probably not the most professional behaviour to loudly call her out on it in the staff room with other people present. I would apologise for that part but not for what you actually said.

saraclara · 17/12/2019 23:30

I wouldn't say anything unless she tells you herself that she was upset. Because telling someone else and expecting them to pass that on to you is exactly the same sort of behaviour that you're wanting her to stop.

messolini9 · 17/12/2019 23:30

IMO you were rude and unprofessional.

& your opinion on the 'Friend' this post is actually about is what, @DoTheHop?

oabiti · 17/12/2019 23:35

It's probably not what you said, but the way that you said it?

Colleague needs to grow a pair, instead of being manipulative.

DishingOutDone · 17/12/2019 23:35

IMO you were rude and unprofessional yeah particularly when you drove her home later Hmm - I mean, she was so upset she got in your car. I bet she'll be so upset she'll be in it again tomorrow too.

midnightmisssuki · 17/12/2019 23:41

Urghh she sounds fucking irritating. Don’t apologise!

Librocubicularist · 17/12/2019 23:49

Next time 'Sorry I can't lend you any money, you know my financial situation. I'm sure someone else could lend you the bus fare though'. I would make a comment that she should know how much lunch to bring in to fill her up and that she could keep some emergency snakes at work.

Beeziekn33ze · 18/12/2019 00:02

Libro It’s OP who needs emergency snakes Wink

whiskersonkittenss · 18/12/2019 00:05

Where can I get emergency snakes? Asking for a friend

xlkhs · 18/12/2019 00:13

She wasn't too hurt or embarassed to take a lift in your car though was she. I'd keep my distance so you don't have to listen to her childish begging for jaffa cakes.

Butterymuffin · 18/12/2019 00:19

I would reply to other colleague 'Since she accepted the lift home from me, she can't have felt bad for too long'.

No need to apologise. She should have asked! It's not hugely embarrassing to ask for a lift, as long as you accept the other person's right to say no, for any reason or no reason. The Jaffa cake hinting though is embarrassing, for her. Who does that? I would stop eating lunch with her.

VenusTiger · 18/12/2019 00:26

I personally find hinting to be very manipulative to the point of guilt tripping!
You had other things on your mind and was in no mood for her childlike antics.
Apologise yes, but tell her why you snapped (if you want to) no need for much detail, and also say you need to know where you stand in conversation.

Creepster · 18/12/2019 00:40

Lots of girls are taught that it is rude to ask and that this sort of passive aggressive hinting around behavior is the only acceptable behavior.
It is very sad, and incredibly irritating to be subjected to.

incognitomum · 18/12/2019 00:43

Snakes Grin

HelenUrth · 18/12/2019 01:01

What Messolini said.

Plus get a big sign saying "I am not a mind reader".

If you must apologise for calling her out so loudly, tell her you'll do it a little more quietly next time ;)

I've a relative like this, avoid her like the plague, cant be doing with this shit. Why should someone expect anyone else to do their thinking for them? Just ask.

DoTheHop · 18/12/2019 01:16

If you knew what she was hinting at from the start, why not put her out of her misery and say, 'hey, I'll give you a lift'. But no, you left her hinting and then disgraced her in front of her colleagues.... Nice...

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/12/2019 01:18

I think I must be a hinters worse nightmare as it all goes over my head.

I have been told before by people I have missed the signals that someone was hinting that they needed me to do something for them.

I take words at face value so if someone says they are going to have to walk home I would probably say to wrap up well or something about getting your 10,000 steps in.

People have been horrified by some of my responses to people hinting.
But when I have analysed what they have said I can never work out what part of the conversation was asking for something

christma5 · 18/12/2019 01:20

Apologise for snapping at her though I do think the message you were trying to deliver is correct. Maybe reassure her that it's okay to ask for things directly and you'd rather she did going forward.

DoTheHop · 18/12/2019 01:21

This OP knew exactly what the colleague was hinting at. She chose to be difficult, disgrace the colleague and then do it anyway so she can say 'HEY - I'VE DONE EVERYTHING I COULD'. Ye me bollocks