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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another Christmas dinner one...

226 replies

Piccalino3 · 17/12/2019 11:12

A sense check please...

One of my husbands family members is coming to us on Christmas Eve afternoon and wants to stay for Christmas lunch the next day. She needs to leave at 3.30pm on Christmas Day to get to one of her relatives as she's getting a lift and there's no transport, it's far away.

We always have a really relaxed Christmas morning and a big breakfast with baileys etc. I have 3 young children and feel constantly stressed with timings and rushing around etc so I really don't want to feel stressed on Christmas Day knowing I have to have dinner on the table at 2pm or she won't get a chance to eat. We often eat at 4 or 5pm or whenever dinner is ready. It's nice and relaxed and I enjoy it.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I've asked my husband to sort it weeks ago but there's not really any options unless she doesn't eat with us. I just wanted one day to relax and enjoy myself without the constant pressure of clock watching. I do everything for Christmas, so annoyed that my husband just doesn't seem to get it. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Ultimately I'll likely end up sucking it up and being resentful.

OP posts:
Thesuzle · 17/12/2019 11:14

In my house we eat when its ready, i dont pander to anyone,
Tell him again

MissingSilence · 17/12/2019 11:16

I wouldn’t want to be rushing my Christmas dinner because someone needs to leave ... so, no, I don’t think you’re BU.

momoney1 · 17/12/2019 11:16

Yanbu but just either do it or don't. Make a decision. You could do a fancy brunch instead then have a later lunch/dinner when she's done. Or just resolve to do lunch for 2pm. Make a firm decision and stick to and then work to it. Continuing to be annoyed isn't going to help your stress levels

Pipandmum · 17/12/2019 11:19

She'll have a lovely Christmas breakfast and the excitement of present opening. She is probably going to get a meal where she's going! Just make sure she knows that she's welcome but sadly you eat much later in the day so she will miss it. Guests should fit in with host's plans not the other way around.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 17/12/2019 11:20

If you have a lovely big leisurely breakfast then I would push back your dinner till 5/6ish so there isn't that closeness of timings.
Can you message said person and just say dinner wont be until 6 but you will make sure breakfast is good? Or a tasty but simple lunch. I think there needs to be a clear dinner time that is way past the person leaving!

paintedfences · 17/12/2019 11:22

Yes do a fancy Christmas brunch with smoked salmon and Baileys coffees etc - and make her a nice xmassy pack to take with her if it's a long journey. But stick to your plan of eating at proper dinner time, I couldn't eat a massive Xmas dinner at lunch time personally, it'd be a bit of a waste.

paintedfences · 17/12/2019 11:24

And make sure your DH tells her the plan as a done deal and not in a 'sorry but @Piccalino3 says..' way either!

Justmuddlingalong · 17/12/2019 11:24

One person, who is a guest, does not get to dictate what's happening and when. Stick to your normal plan and if it doesn't suit her, she can suck it up. Tell your DH he has until tonight to sort it out, or you will. Good luck.

Squigean · 17/12/2019 11:29

If it's your one day to relax on the rushing, don't give up on that!!

Let your husband do it - then he can sort the day to the schedule of his Iiking.

WorldsOnFire · 17/12/2019 11:31

YANBU to not want a set time for lunch
Relative INBU to need a set time for lunch

YABU to agree to it and then complain/be passive aggressive/not stick to it.
Relative WBU to agree to no time frame and then make you feel rushed/stressed.

You need to say ‘We can’t guarantee it’ll be done before you need to leave. With three children Christmas dinner in our house is just served when it’s ready’ and let them decide what they want to do.

Notso · 17/12/2019 11:32

It's annoying but I'd probably do it for one year. You can have a more relaxed evening. Then you can think twice before inviting them next time.

We've only invited PIL for Christmas Day once because they accepted our invitation, then requested we also invite SIL and her boyfriend and BIL and his wife.
Then they wanted to bring a starter because they always have one and brought two things knowing I ate neither.
The tin hat was them asking on Christmas Eve if I would serve dinner at 12:30 so they could go to another relative for Christmas tea buffet.

TeenPlusTwenties · 17/12/2019 11:35

Tell her she's welcome to come to enjoy the festivities but it won't include fancy lunch as you don't eat until 4/5 on Christmas Day. However there will be a big breakfast plus snacks/sandwiches on offer.

OverthinkingThis · 17/12/2019 11:36

Going against the grain here, but for a family member I'd move lunch to 2 pm. Yes there's more rushing around earlier in the day, but more afternoon to relax afterwards. DH would have to pitch in though.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/12/2019 11:37

I’d make it clear that you eat at 5pm.

She may not realise and just assume earlier lunch if she hasn’t stopped before.

So she has breakfast with you and then knows she needs a meal at destination.

Alternatively forget the big breakfast and eat at 2pm for 1 year but that doesn’t sound what you want to do.

2020BetterBeBetter · 17/12/2019 11:39

This depends on the scenario. If you invited her to stay for Christmas and she has now decided that she will be leaving early which changes your plans, I wouldn’t do Christmas meal for her. I’d do a big breakfast and then a cold lunch for her before she heads off.

Stravapalava · 17/12/2019 11:42

Can you not have toast for breakfast and do an earlier dinner? Or I do like the idea of a fancy brunch and then you just do your dinner for 6pm or something.

Original poster
Piccalino3 · 17/12/2019 11:50

Thanks for all the replies. I wasn't going to say but it's actually DH's adult daughter. She's quite immature and has no idea what goes into Christmas. I really like her company and the kids love her so happy to host her but I do feel it's a bit rude to expect to eat and then leave although I accept she doesn't have much choice as wants to see her mum too. If I don't make sure she eats with us then she won't get a Christmas dinner as will be at her mums too late.

Our Christmas breakfasts are really important to me, we have something special that we only have this time of year so I don't want to change that.

Kids are harassing me so will have a proper look at these replies later and have a think. I just feel incredibly grumpy that DH didn't organise this better between them and as usual it all falls to me to do the sorting and compromising.

OP posts:
Fifthtimelucky · 17/12/2019 11:56

Personally I'd change it too, especially for close family.

One year some friends joined us on Christmas Day for lunch and had to leave at 2pm. That was a challenge but we managed it.

ToBeARockAndNotToRoll · 17/12/2019 12:02

Big Christmas breakfast, (pigs in blankets as part of the breakfast is quite epic) some Christmas themed pastries/jams and leftovers from the breakfast etc left out for a buffet after. She’ll be well fed. It’s Christmas themed. That’ll do.

ToBeARockAndNotToRoll · 17/12/2019 12:06

she won't get a Christmas dinner as will be at her mums too late.

It’s not the end of the world though, especially if the breakfast has some Christmas themed touches. Pigs in blankets as part of the cooked breakfast, or a Christmas breakfast baguette (?!) bubble n’ squeak hash and cold meats and pickles. Choice is yours really.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/12/2019 12:09

Could she not have the fancy breakfast at yours and ask her mother to save her a plate that she can reheat when she gets there? Just tell her 2pm is too early for Christmas dinner for you

Ispy123 · 17/12/2019 12:10

Get her a posh ready meal. M&S do some nice ready roasts. I wouldn't be rushing my xmas day because of her.

Shoxfordian · 17/12/2019 12:13

Its your stepdaughter so you really should make an effort to include her for lunch

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/12/2019 12:13

I can understanding asking, I don't think most people would think it's that big a deal to switch dinner to lunch in order to spend some time with their parent / child. Your special breakfast - could you have it on xmas eve or something?

CMOTDibbler · 17/12/2019 12:15

As its not a random family guest, but a dsd, I'd move the fancy breakfast to boxing day and do lunch at 1.30.
Because nothing says your dads new family are the most important to him like not getting a christmas dinner with either of your parents because his new partner doesn't know when it will be ready tbh

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