Another Christmas dinner one...

[Piccalino3]

A sense check please...

One of my husbands family members is coming to us on Christmas Eve afternoon and wants to stay for Christmas lunch the next day. She needs to leave at 3.30pm on Christmas Day to get to one of her relatives as she's getting a lift and there's no transport, it's far away.

We always have a really relaxed Christmas morning and a big breakfast with baileys etc. I have 3 young children and feel constantly stressed with timings and rushing around etc so I really don't want to feel stressed on Christmas Day knowing I have to have dinner on the table at 2pm or she won't get a chance to eat. We often eat at 4 or 5pm or whenever dinner is ready. It's nice and relaxed and I enjoy it.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I've asked my husband to sort it weeks ago but there's not really any options unless she doesn't eat with us. I just wanted one day to relax and enjoy myself without the constant pressure of clock watching. I do everything for Christmas, so annoyed that my husband just doesn't seem to get it. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Ultimately I'll likely end up sucking it up and being resentful.

Because nothing says your dad's new family are the most important to him like not getting a christmas dinner with either of your parents because his new partner doesn't know when it will be ready tbh

This

@BillieEilish

I don't honestly believe anything you say now, you have lied by omission throughout the whole thread.

Who cares if you believe her or not?

So the mum is not unreasonable for cooking early for her new partner instead of waiting, but the OP is for not wanting to spend Christmas morning cooking like a madwoman .

@Carmenfortuna

Exactly. And the OP has three small children that she is juggling and a lazy husband whose leaving it too her.

Hopefully a 29 woman might get that if it's explained to her.

There are people on here who get it too.

The OP sounds like she is genuinely fond of her 29 year old SD.

Just because a woman doesn't want a manic Christmas day, full of stress because of trying to get a large meal on the table hours earlier than she'd like does not make her a selfish person.

Her husband can't even be arsed to establish the details with his daughter.

I think at 29 she can be treated as an adult.

So the OP is a bitch because she wants to stick to her established routine of an evening xmas dinner and not spend the morning cooking (yes I know there are all sorts of superwomen on MN for whom the xmas dinner is about 30 minutes of effort but I'm presuming the OP is a normal human being).

But the daughter's own mother is just fine for choosing to have dinner with her husband rather than at a time that suits her daughter? I'm not a stepmother but if I were MN is the last place I'd announce it.

OP, I suspect your own children would prefer to eat with their sister from what you said. I think the advice to have dh do a lot of the prep the night before and then do an earlier breakfast and early lunch is probably the best - for that reason. But if it worked out that she has fab breakfast with you, nice nibbles and then a heated up dinner sitting chatting with her mother over a glass of wine -- well we aren't exactly in cinderella territory are we?

And how dare you have a husband who is old OP!

@pallisers

This

She’s 29 ffs, many people are married with families of their own at that age. When you said adult stepdaughter I pictured a 19/20 year old coming home from uni, not a fully fledged almost 30 year old adult.

She will still get a nice Christmas breakfast and I honestly can’t see why her Mother doesn’t wait till she gets back to do the dinner there or at least plate some up for her.

The OP has 3 young children

Who on earth has young children and gets up late on Christmas Day then has a lazy brunch? You'll be up anyway, someone can put the turkey in the oven. It's not difficult or a major effort to make your SD feel welcome somewhere to eat dinner with one side of the family on Christmas Day.

But I'm sure there will be another drip feed in a minute.

I do a huge Christmas lunch for 1.30 without getting stressed, the key Is getting it prepped. I make gravy a week ahead and freeze, then add the turkey juices on the day. I par boil and semi roast the spuds so they take 20 mins, get all the veg prepped in the steamer etc, it really doesn't have to be a big rush in the morning. I also have a turkey crown which is much easier to cook and carve.

Most people don't make everything from scratch as well, so it's a case of putting meat in the oven, chopping veg and opening packets.

OP why don't you ask her what she'd prefer? The leisurely breakfast or the Christmas lunch with all the trimmings? If she knows you and you family traditions well, she might well prefer the breakfast option. If she prefers lunch, then you can say "Great! An extra pair of hands to do the prep on Christmas eve!". But seriously, have a word with your DH and tell him he needs to step up in his Christmas efforts.

@BillieEilish I can speak for my self thanks. I think YABVU in telling me what to say and everyone else for that matter

It’s great your SD is a looked forward to guest & she has such a good relationship with her young siblings. (Please don’t anyone ‘correct’ me that they are half siblings - that’s not how I feel about my dear sis & I find it offensive)

Team veg chopping is the way to go 😊 And roast as many of the veg as possible (even including sprouts!) to avoid juggling too many pans & timings.

We prep in the morning (for me that’s because it’s my bday on Christmas Eve & I like to be idle/not work) but lots of people do the veg the day before & cover with water

This could be your new tradition- get lunch over with then a long relaxed afternoon & evening

I’m another one who can’t understand why everyone finds Christmas dinner so stressful. I’ve managed to have it on the table by one even when I had small children. It’s only a roast with a few extra bits and I buy them ready prepared.

I should imagine if your husband is in his fifties with 3 young children he is knackered, when will these men ever learn

@Fairyliz

They are the same type of people that get massively stressed about pieces of work that for others they just shrug and do; they get in a twist when they a few things on in a day; they have a breakdown when doing any house revocations etc etc

Your dh sounds useless. Sorry

You should have asked /told dsd weeks ago that Xmas dinner isn’t usually till 4/5

If you have been with her dad for years I find it sad that she has never spent Xmas day with him /her younger siblings

If she doesn’t eat Xmas dinner with you , from what I’ve read she won’t get one as when gets to mums , she would have had earlier with her step dad /partner - is that right ?

Xmas lunch is just a glorified roast

I would say to her and give her a choice. - to have Xmas brunch or have Xmas dinner early and she helps prep for it

Tho if you had less baileys at breakie you May be able to have lunch at 2 - said with a laughing face :)

Have an earlier lunch. Then assume kids go for a nap. Sd will go and you and hubby can sit and chill

@Blondeshavemorefun, we have her for Christmas every other year. She went to her mums last year so this year should be our year but really there's no pressure, she can do what she likes, although of course we'd all like to see her and spend time with her.

I suppose I'm trying to work out in my head what degree I'm comfortable being selfish. I do everything for everyone at Christmas. I try to make it nice for everyone, often at my own expense. I can get a roast ready for 2pmbut then I have to give up things that I enjoy and look forward to (drinking copious amounts of Baileys at breakfast and my special breakfast tradition). At what point does what I want to do come into it or are mums always just expected to make it nice for everyone else regardless of what they want? I am willing to compromise and I agree with those that said my DH is lazy, problem is every time I give him something to do he makes more work for me!

For those commenting re my husbands age - this has nothing to do with this predicament. As far as when men will learn, have you ever thought that perhaps this is what they chose and they get to enjoy a young family in a different way than the first time. It's really neither here nor there in this post.

She is 29, not 9! She needs to be adult about those things and realise you can’t have it all. If she wants to spend Christmas at both houses then she needs to compromise and that compromise means missing Christmas lunch at her dad’s.

And OP please stop doing everything at your expense!

@swirlygirl

Yes all tastes exactly the same.

Learner helplessness in your husband is what doing tasks badly is about.
So you won't ask again.

You have had good advice here.

Nothing wrong with your needs being met.

We eat in my house when it best suits the cook. Me. End of.

Killing yourself to keep everyone happy at Christmas is why so many women dislike it.

Nothing at all wrong with your needs being in the mix.

Because she has to leave early this year. I would suggest she asks her mother to put a plate aside for her.

I would then specifically tailor the special breakfast to include something's she would really like and make it inclusive of her in that way.

Sorted. 👍
Careful of allowing this to become a huge unnecessary drama.
I'd be focusing this energy on that lazy lump you married and get him to do more.
💐

True. Why can’t her mum plate her something so she has a roast

I’m Assuming she can’t drive /hasn’t access to a car hence they lift

Who is giving her a lift to mums

Why are the responses different because it's a stepdaughter?!! It is still one adult dictating that everyone else changes their day based on their own needs.

She is an adult, she will have been to Christmas dinner at her dad's before and knows the household eats later. Why can she not change her own plans around slightly instead?

She could go to her mum's in the morning and come to her dad's in time for the dinner at 4/5.

I think it's completely unfair to expect the whole house to run the day around one individual.

I suppose I'm trying to work out in my head what degree I'm comfortable being selfish. I do everything for everyone at Christmas. I try to make it nice for everyone, often at my own expense. I can get a roast ready for 2pmbut then I have to give up things that I enjoy and look forward to (drinking copious amounts of Baileys at breakfast and my special breakfast tradition). At what point does what I want to do come into it or are mums always just expected to make it nice for everyone else regardless of what they want?

@Piccalino3 You're not being selfish, your SD is a 29-year-old adult.

I am 31 and if my parents told me they were eating at 5pm on Christmas Day, I would either be available to join them at that time or I would make other arrangements. I would absolutely not expect them to change the whole schedule of their day for me.

Tbh I think it's quite weird that she's splitting the day as she is at her age - surely she could spend the whole day with you or her mum and then see the other household on Boxing Day?? Especially if she's relying on lifts from others to get her from place to place, it's just a pain for everyone.

Hi OP,well you've had lots of advice,which are you going with?
As it's your Christmas with dsd this year her dm is not planning to feed her daughter so it's down to the three of you to agree on the plan for the time she is with you.
I assume you haven't asked her what she wants to do regarding Christmas day lunch?if not then decide what options are available,i.e. Brunch with the family and a small pack up for the journey,an early lunch with dsd and dh doing the prep,and microwave what ready made stuff you can buy.or even suggesting she travels on boxing day.
But whatever options you give and decide on,stick to them,don't feel compelled to take over tasks to get them done faster or your way.relax,enjoy your family,have fun.
Next year you might find your dh has learnt a lot from this year and you're not quite so exhausted by Christmas eve....😀
Remember having time with those we love is a blessing,time is short,lives change,so we should all treasure every minute .🌷🌸🌹🌺🌻🌼

I'm sorry but I can't quite get past the fact that she is 29, and yet this is even a problem. She's older than me. She is not a child or a young adult, she's almost in her thirties.

A simple conversation with her should totally clear this up, and reheating a dinner should not upset her. Hell, cooking the dinner herself shouldn't upset her - she's visiting the house of someone with 3 young children whilst she is an able bodied adult doing nothing to help, she should have offered really. How quickly someone else can cook dinner for her certainly shouldn't upset her.

She is a fully fledged adult, and the idea that she needs to be protected from the horror of missing Christmas dinner because her own plans don't fit with anyone else's, lest she sit lamenting her parents split and feeling she's therefore not part of the family and nobody loves her, is absolutely ridiculous.