Another Christmas dinner one...

[Piccalino3]

A sense check please...

One of my husbands family members is coming to us on Christmas Eve afternoon and wants to stay for Christmas lunch the next day. She needs to leave at 3.30pm on Christmas Day to get to one of her relatives as she's getting a lift and there's no transport, it's far away.

We always have a really relaxed Christmas morning and a big breakfast with baileys etc. I have 3 young children and feel constantly stressed with timings and rushing around etc so I really don't want to feel stressed on Christmas Day knowing I have to have dinner on the table at 2pm or she won't get a chance to eat. We often eat at 4 or 5pm or whenever dinner is ready. It's nice and relaxed and I enjoy it.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I've asked my husband to sort it weeks ago but there's not really any options unless she doesn't eat with us. I just wanted one day to relax and enjoy myself without the constant pressure of clock watching. I do everything for Christmas, so annoyed that my husband just doesn't seem to get it. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Ultimately I'll likely end up sucking it up and being resentful.

She's an adult.

You serve when you want, if it's you doing all the cooking and prep.

She will get to enjoy your lovely Christmas breakfast and presents with the kids

If she and your DH want lunch to be earlier they can make it.

Or if she wants to stay for lunch i.e. leave later she can drive herself or arrange her own taxi.

As its not a random family guest, but a dsd, I'd move the fancy breakfast to boxing day and do lunch at 1.30.
Because nothing says your dads new family are the most important to him like not getting a christmas dinner with either of your parents because his new partner doesn't know when it will be ready tbh

I didn’t realise it was a DSD
In that case YES 100% agree with this ^ YABU to not commit to a time!

This is the kind of shitty thing that DH's step mum would have done to him.
Just tell your Dh to pull his weight and ask his dd to help out. There is absolutely no reason that you can't make this work.

If it is your Stepdaughter I would definitely make the effort here.

as it is your DSD, even though she is an adult, I would accommodate her.
You can rejig things.
The food you eat and when is not what Christmas is about. Family is. from her point of view, neither her dad nor her mum will accommodate her over Christmas

Make it different this year. Have your huge breakfats on Christmas Eve or Boxing day. Have lunch at 2 and then something new for evening buffet.

If you eat earlier, then you are free all afternoon to put your feet up, so it isn't all bad

'One of my husbands family members'

Factually correct.
But really? Poor daughter.

You made it sound like Great Aunt Maude in the OP to get totally different responses.

I just can't get my head around why you would want a close family member to totally miss out on having Xmas dinner with their family rather than make a slight adjustment to your plans.
Hugely selfish IMO

I was thinking Great Aunt Maude too.

Your husbands daughter? Spending time with you and then getting a lift to her Mum? Move Christmas lunch. A 'special Christmas breakfast' is not more important than your step daughter. (Unless there is going to be another drip feed). Have Christmas breakfast on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

This is your DSD. You treat her as a family member just like one of your own kids.

A Christmas dinner is basically just a roast. Get DH to help you prep veg etc in advance then all you need to do is bing stuff in the oven on the day. Eating at 2 is not exactly a hardship but you need to be clear to DH and DSD where they are expected to pitch in.

But I suspect you simply don’t want an interloper in your family Xmas

Oh OP- the revelation that ‘one of my DH’s family members’ is actually your DSD was the ultimate drip feed and I strongly suspect done on purpose to tilt the responses in your favour.

Poor show OP! Poor show!

She is one of YOUR family members. And your DC's.

You have to accommodate her.

You absolutely have to.

MAHOOSIVE DRIPFEED THERE.

Have an earlier lunch and do special breakfast on NYD.

Making Christmas dinner is hard and it's ready when it's ready, unless more people want to help. It's very demanding of anyone to insist someong else cooks for a certain time. I've eaten at 5 many times because that's when my dad was done making it. The obvious thing is for her mum to save her some if she has to go before you're done cooking.

Christmas isn’t about the bloody meal, it’s about family.

Of course you should move things around to accommodate her, she’s your family as well op. Poor woman.

Sorry for the drip feed - I didn't mean to cause offence. I was posting in a rush between children screaming, had written stepdaughter and then decided to change it so that if any of DH's family read this then they wouldn't necessarily identify it! No malice intended.

I have a great relationship with my stepdaughter, we get on well, I'm not a new wife, I've been in her life for 1/3 of her life. I have done lots for her and looking forward to spending time with her. I've shopped, wrapped and hosted a party for all of DH's family. I put a lot of thought and effort into my stepdaughters gifts as if I didn't she'd end up with very predictable and some unwanted presents. She regularly stays with us and we all look forward to it. This really isn't about her not being welcome because she's my stepdaughter. I updated the post because I thought I should after seeing the replies at first.

Anyway, I suppose the question is how do I not be resentful at having to be rushed and stressed as usual? I am prepared to make sure she has dinner with us but I just feel it's at my expense of clock watching and rushing as usual. I can get my husband to help with dinner but he has no clue what needs to be done and when. I can micromanage him but may as well do it myself. He also won't care if the people she's getting a lift with are here waiting while we're eating.

I could change breakfast but it's my family's tradition, my parents have passed away and I don't have any other family here so feel it's a way to connect to my traditions and past. It would make me sad not to do it but a possibility.

Sorry I'm trying to reply quickly between doing all the kid things. I just feel stressed, taken for granted and fed up of doing everything for everyone else and like what I want always comes last.

Some of you are really rude. It's really not a stepdaughter issue other than to impress the importance of the guest - i.e, she's not a random family member!

If she is there on Christmas Eve, get her involved with the prep (peeling veg and potatoes, making stuffing, etc) with you in the kitchen. Try to have the bird "oven ready" the night before, even better if you have an oven that you can turn the timer on to start itself - so that takes some pressure off. And make sure both DH and adult DSD are involved in the cooking/organising in the morning. Not just you running around while they all enjoy the nice breakfast and baileys.

Look at the timings - what time does she need to leave at?

Allowing 60-90 minutes for lunch, when do you need to serve?

When do the different parts need to get turned off, and how long do they need to cook (so when do they need to go in)?

Write a master list with those timings, assign specific jobs to specific people (so DH is totally in charge of potatoes, or to turn 3 different pots on at a specific time, DSD has to make the gravy or set the table with younger DSSiblings, etc).

And allow yourself to enjoy the morning at the same time. Yes, you will have some need to stick to the list, but once you get the meat into the oven at an early enough point, the rest should be relatively ok, especially if you do the prep on 24th. And make them ALL help in some way with that prep!!

I was about to say don't change anything, but as it's DSD that changes everything!

Have a big breakfast on Boxing Day and do your lunch earlier. It's not that hard. Merry Christmas to you too.

And people wonder why she didn't mention it was her step daughter? Two people jump on to call her a massive bitch straight away.

OP said in her initial post that she finds the whole thing really stressful with timings alongside her 3 young children, one person declares she needs to do it much earlier than she usually would for their sake and everyone jumps on to say she is a bitch if SHE doesn't turn Christmas Day into an awful stressfest for herself for the sake of another adult. Not one person suggested the dad could cook or even the step daughter herself, since she's an adult. No, it's OPs job and she's a bitch if she doesn't do it to someone else's schedule.

Jeez.

Your DH needs to pull his weight.

If you cook - dinner’s late.
If DH want’s an early lunch - he cook’s.

If you have breakfast 8/9am ish and dinner is served at 2pm - that leaves 5/6 hours between meals and 1.5 hours to eat, before DSD has to leave.

I’m not seeing the issue really.