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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another Christmas dinner one...

226 replies

Piccalino3 · 17/12/2019 11:12

A sense check please...

One of my husbands family members is coming to us on Christmas Eve afternoon and wants to stay for Christmas lunch the next day. She needs to leave at 3.30pm on Christmas Day to get to one of her relatives as she's getting a lift and there's no transport, it's far away.

We always have a really relaxed Christmas morning and a big breakfast with baileys etc. I have 3 young children and feel constantly stressed with timings and rushing around etc so I really don't want to feel stressed on Christmas Day knowing I have to have dinner on the table at 2pm or she won't get a chance to eat. We often eat at 4 or 5pm or whenever dinner is ready. It's nice and relaxed and I enjoy it.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this? I've asked my husband to sort it weeks ago but there's not really any options unless she doesn't eat with us. I just wanted one day to relax and enjoy myself without the constant pressure of clock watching. I do everything for Christmas, so annoyed that my husband just doesn't seem to get it. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Ultimately I'll likely end up sucking it up and being resentful.

OP posts:
Smurfy23 · 19/12/2019 10:50

Did DH speak to DSD OP?

IceniSky · 19/12/2019 10:50

Not read it all, but I get you OP. I've had to compromise on Christmas for the last 14 years for my stepchildren. Before that, my childhood was about waiting for my stepsister before we started Christmas! My poor little sister always got told off because she was just too excited and we were waiting around till after lunch.

My stepchildren are now mid 20s and christmas is still to their schedule, I long to spend it with my sister and nephew. My DD would love a child to play with at Christmas. Anyway, I've just gotten on with it, always said next year will ge different. It never is. I refuse to clean up after cooking however and leave it to DH and stepsons.

My DH is in his 50s with kids in their mid 20s and a 7 year old. One more year, and the oldest will be at an age when I first met them. They do offer to help though and play with their sister.

IceniSky · 19/12/2019 10:53

And they'll play games in the evening with me rather than watch TV but I'd love go somewhere else next year rather than host again.

Original poster
Piccalino3 · 19/12/2019 11:13

To be fair my DH and DSD will help with dinner so he's not refusing or expects me to cook on my own, really it's just that he doesn't cook (apart from the occasional eggs and a jar of sauce, not together!), so it'll be me that is in charge of potatoes, parsnips, stuffing, gravy etc and making sure everything comes out at the same time- which is a big part of the job on the day. I absolutely don't usually mind this if I can do it to my schedule but I'm hacked off that it will impinge into my morning and I'll be clock watching, the very thing I didn't want. I'll be rushing to get a shower and get ready before having to start dinner and I just don't want to. I want to sit leisurely and watch the kids play with the toys I got them, not be in the kitchen while DH and DSD play with them.

He did speak to DSD yesterday, she doesn't want to go on Boxing Day as she told her mum she will come, I get that (although her mum wouldn't be on her own). My DH's suggestion was to just do dinner as and when I want and if she's still here great, if not she can have a pizza before she goes. I'd never do that to a guest, and especially DSD, so exactly as I knew it would be I'll suck it up, make sure dinner is ready for before she goes and try not to feel resentful. If I don't I'll feel very guilty so either way I lose. I'm going to send him a message to tell him that I expect all the veg and prep and kitchen tidying to be done by him and DSD the night before, I am having no part of it and will be sat in the living room with my baby and a glass of something nice. He'll have a busy evening ahead as has to get all the kids presents down as well.

I have been very clear to him that in future any guests who come to dinner stay the day, if they want to leave early then they can arrange dinner somewhere else. The annoying thing is that if he'd just spoken to her like I asked 6 weeks ago it could have been avoided - but then he doesn't get that it's a problem so why would he?!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2019 11:15

@IceniSky you really should have the opportunity to spend at least some Christmas' with your side of the family.

Original poster
Piccalino3 · 19/12/2019 11:31

@IceniSky I

OP posts:
Original poster
Piccalino3 · 19/12/2019 11:41

Sorry baby pressed send! @IceniSky I think this Christmas you should announce that next year will be different. They have a whole year to get over it and make plans to their liking.

I know it's kind of turned into it but this thread really isn't about my DSD, it is more about being expected to do yet more things to suit everyone else at my own expense and if I am being unreasonable to be annoyed. I can see some people thought I am and others not. What I will take away from this is that DH can do all the prep the night before and I will be very clear with everyone that in future Christmas Day is to my schedule. If you have other plans on the day and would like dinner with us you have to fit in with us or go elsewhere. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Boireannachlaidir · 19/12/2019 11:50

Your DH is the problem. Stop doing everything for him.

JacobReesClunge · 19/12/2019 12:13

Yes, I would certainly say you won't be doing this next year but then you need to effect change during 2020 otherwise what's to stop him pulling this shit again? And do make sure he does as much as possible. If he's a crap cook, ok he's not going to learn to be a good one in the next 6 days, but what he can do is peel everything, be in charge of keeping the kitchen tidy and other general dogsbodying. Make sure he does some actual work on the day too, so he feels the impact of his decision.

Also, try not to take any of the more dipshit replies to heart. You can probably guess which ones I'm talking about.

MummytoCSJH · 19/12/2019 13:02

Your DH sounds like a total dick! He knew you'd feel guilty with the 'oh well, she can just have a pizza' situation and therefore he'd get his way. I wouldn't change the time. Have your lovely breakfast.

billy1966 · 19/12/2019 13:07

OP, it is a result of sorts because you are effecting change.

Tell them both together re next year so that there can be no miscommunication.

Write a list re the jobs on Christmas Eve, again so there is no confusion.

The person who is doing the cooking gets to call the shots and to pick a bit while serving up....or is that just my house!

I loved the laziness of Christmas day when the children were young.

They could eat what they wanted for breakfast, sometimes chocolate that Santa brought!
It all added to the "once a year" factor.

Now that they are older these are the things they remember, the laziness, the total relaxation of the house and of their parents.

Take every shortcut after your husband has done his prep and cleared the kitchen too.

Also tell him he is cleaning up after the main meal.

People only make changes to their behaviour through self interest.

Best of luck OP.💐

Original poster
Piccalino3 · 19/12/2019 14:47

Well, just to give you all a laugh - I messaged DH and told him he and DSD would be prepping the food on xmas eve and tidying the kitchen and it would be a busy evening for him as he has to get the kids presents down too and I'm not helping. That he can be on watch for timings on Christmas Day but I will help with the usual cooking on the day. He responded with 'that doesn't sound very relaxing for anyone. You'll boss me around Christmas Eve and Christmas day and at the end I can see we all don't have a very relaxing time'. What an utter knob!! It turned out to be a DH problem. Thanks for helping me work it out!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 19/12/2019 14:51

So him bossing you about, or sitting on his arse like a lord, was fine, but the other way round is 'not very relaxing for him anyone'? Confused Sorry he's being a dick about this OP. What are you going to do?

HollowTalk · 19/12/2019 15:02

Poor man, not having a relaxing Christmas. My heart bleeds for him!

Justgorgeous · 19/12/2019 15:07

Sorry but YABU, it’s not her fault she has parents that have separated. You should do an early breakfast and do a Christmas dinner for you all - her family.

JacobReesClunge · 19/12/2019 15:08

What a twat. Did you have anything to say to that OP?

Justgorgeous · 19/12/2019 15:09

Sorry I didn’t mean just you should do everything. Your husband and SD should also muck in and do their fair share.

Original poster
Piccalino3 · 19/12/2019 15:16

Well, I told him that yes, it's not going to be ideal or relaxing for either of us this year but especially him as he'll be in the kitchen while I'm not on Christmas Eve. Maybe he should have listened to my 'nagging' a few weeks ago when I asked him to speak to his daughter to sort this out. This is a theme and not the first time this sort of thing has happened. I'm going to at least enjoy Christmas Eve because if I don't make sure I claw something back no one else will!

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2019 15:30

Seems like your husband accuses you of "nagging" whenever you suggest he could do some of the things you do as standard. I'm sorry OP but he sounds like a right dickhead.

I have never known anyone do the cooking and the other adults there not just assume they were doing the washing up/laying the table/peeling the vegetables. Otherwise the person in the kitchen is basically just staff for the day. It's basic courtesy.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/12/2019 15:42

Ohhh those updates, deary me, don't let him get away with that OP. Clearly he see's he as the house servant

WutheringTights · 19/12/2019 15:42

@aSofa Ha. You should come to my house. To be fair, DH does loads but my family (who we host every year) wouldn't do so much as make themselves a cup of tea. We're basically servants for the day.

billy1966 · 19/12/2019 15:46

Well done OP.

No surprise at all there.

Your focus needs to be making this a Christmas he doesn't ever forget 😉🤣

aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2019 15:53

@WutheringTights

Haha I'm learning a lot about how selfish people can be about chores on Christmas from MN.

"Is there anything I could do to help" is probably the phrase I hear most on Christmas, someone is always hovering about.

DarlingNikita · 19/12/2019 16:17

He responded with 'that doesn't sound very relaxing for anyone. You'll boss me around Christmas Eve and Christmas day and at the end I can see we all don't have a very relaxing time'.

What a twat. My suggestion is to tell him that either he does and times the Christmas dinner to fit with his DD, or she can fit around you all (ie eat or not eat/eat something else, if it's not ready in time to suit her).

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/12/2019 17:40

Buy ready chopped and peeled veg to make it easier and less stressful

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