To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

What's the problem here? If your DH comes from a large family he can ask his sibs to invite his parents.

If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

It's called taking turns. Many families do take turns. My family and nmot of my friends' families discuss plans in the autumn, decide who's going where and who's doing family Christmas with who. The only issue you have is that you are only child so there's no-one to take turns with you for your own parents.

I personally don't mind them all coming round

But you sound fed up and very resentful of SiL. If you and DH want to go away at Christmas then so long as someone invites his parents it's not your problem which of DH's siblings gets to do it. It's totally between your DH and his sisters. And if one sister gets fed up then she can have words with the other.

You're right it's not fair to have Christmas "with your own little family" every year unless everyone else is happy with that, but if someone is not happy it's up to them to say so. So if you want a turn then you need to decide about your own parents next year and your DH needs to speak up to his sisters about his. Instead of being all resentful and judgy because no-one else has spoken up to offer what you really want. They've just accepted what you always offer.

Funny - my parents feel the reverse. They feel like they ought to want to go and visit one of their (many) children's families but they don't really want to.

This year they're going skiing. I suspect they're going to have a wonderful time.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day.

I wonder if you would have started this thread if your SIL was a BIL...

We're staying at home for Christmas and not hosting or visiting anyone.

We've never had a Christmas with just our daughter. In the 6 years since we've had her we've had to travel across the county visiting everyone, watching her open toys then have to pack them away quickly to get to the next person. It's not enjoyable and it isn't fun.

This year is dd2s first Christmas. We won't be having anymore children so have decided to stay at home and enjoy it just the 4 of us.

It isn't selfish it isn't rude that's just what we've decided. We've arranged to see family on Christmas eve and boxing day.

I totally agree. SIL did this for many years leaving us with MIL (who is on her own) and who wanted to be with family. Last year we said we were going on holiday on Boxing Day so BIL and SIL needed to be with her (500 mile journey for either of us so not practical.) It was lovely, and we will make a point of happily having her every other year, but absolutely not every year.

My parents dont want to go anywhere for a Christmas lunch. We visit for an hour in the morning, then they either go for a walk or out in the car somewhere. They have sandwiches for lunch, then a Christmas meal for dinner at night. They prefer it that way. They arent that bothered about Christmas day. So we also have our lunch at home, just us and the kids.

Too many people get hung up on one day. There are another 364 days when you could have a glorified roast dinner with family.

Some people like peace and quiet when it's all hustle and bustle or miserable and cold outside. Some people like to flit around and visit people. Some are happy opening their homes to all and sundry.

You aren't obligated to invite people to Xmas dinner just because someone else hasn't. You invite people because you want to spend time with them. If your in-laws wanted to spend time with sil, they could invite her. But she's not obliged to go. As is often touted on here, it's an invitation. Not a summons.

I dont get why...." there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day"??
I just dont get this. Some people like to just stay at home. I've never been at anyone else's house for Christmas lunch.

I have Christmas day in my own house every year and refuse to 'host' if someone wants to come eat chocolate in pjs watching crap tv all day but I don't want to spend Christmas hosting people I want to relax and enjoy it with my kids and do.

My mums staying with us Christmas Eve then going to my mums for dinner but she will just follow along with what we are doing. I wouldn't be up for PIL staying because they expect to be hosted and I just don't want to.

Put like that then yes. Someone else is facilitating it because the in laws go to them every year.

But we have asked the in laws to come to us. And they have always refused. After a while you realise that they dont want to spend time with you so you stop asking.

No, unless you count utilities workers keeping us warm, and the food/shop/delivery/petrol station staff who make the previous week of preparations possible.
No grandparents, and the ex would sadly rather be drunk as a skunk than spend the day with his ds.
We genuinely enjoy having special breakfast, opening presents, talking to cousins on FaceTime, going for a bike ride on the common then back for massive lunch, corny tv, and more food and computer games. And not having to rush. It’s bliss.

From your updates i infer that its the grandparents being unreasonable basically insisting they spend the day with grandchildren. I'm unusually on the side of the classic MNers on this. Do xmas your way stuff the emotional blackmail

I don’t understand this concept of parents being “alone” when there are two of them! Fair enough if it’s literally one parent who would otherwise be all by themselves, but loads of people spend the holidays with just their spouse and we don’t feel sorry for them? Presumably if you like your partner that’s perfectly nice company?

I work and often only have Christmas Day and Boxing Day off so I do not want the house full of people. I want peace, quite and a relaxing time. Work from December onwards is crazy, DD has her commitments and if i have bad luck DH is on trips.

I don't have the time to organise a large do, neither has DH who does the lion share of shopping and child entertaining during the holidays ever since DD was a toddler.

Luckily my mum and my PIL are happy with it, we also lived a 6 hour drive away from my parents and my PIL, we now live in another country and no way I have visitors for days.

Not everyone relishes a huge Christmas with all the family or has them next door so they can be gone by bedtime.

I see my mum this weekend, will be a lot more relaxing than having her over for Christmas.

just do whats right for you if you can.all this compaing and 9pages in there is no one family the same,nor that feels the same.
the pressure this all bring is get beyond now.

But you're never going to be in the position of having 'just your little family' at Christmas because you're an only child whose parents want to see their grandchild(ren).

So whether you have DH parents alternative years, or DH parents every third year (if SIL suddenly joined in with the arrangements), you still have your parents over every year.

If you changed the rules with your parents on alternative Christmas's (like saying come for Boxing day instead that year), you'd get your own little family Christmas every other year but that's a conversation you have to have with them.

But whether your SIL steps up or not is irrelevant really - you having your parents every year will always mean you've not got the 'kick off your slippers, eat what you want; when you want and just stick the TV on if you want to' mentality on any Christmas.

My poor lovely MiL (RIP) cooked for a horde of 12-14 every single year for about 40 years, in a titchy kitchen. Some of the extended family lived locally but I don't think it ever occurred to anyone else to offer.

Dh and I lived for years in the Middle East after we married, and when dds were still little we invited MiL and FiL to come for a holiday at Christmas - always lovely weather then.

FiL huffed and grumbled that he couldn't possibly leave the house in December - what if the pipes froze, etc. - this was London, FGS, not the frozen north.

Good old Mil said, 'Well, you can do what you like - I'm going!'
Of course he came too and they had a lovely time - and no cooking for MiL.

To be honest it's a difficult one because the dynamics of families can be so variable.

On balance though I tend to agree with the OP that having Christmas "your way" every year in such a way that obligates other people to enable that to happen (ie without family members being left alone) is selfish in the circumstances that are no family issues/dramas etc to consider.

Yes it's only one day, but a) it's a special day and one where feelings of exclusion/loneliness can run deep and b) the argument that it's only one day works both ways wrt showing empathy and goodwill vs doing what you want.

I can (having hosted for the last 15 years for between 8 and 12 people) absolutely see the attraction of a "small" Christmas. That said I wouldn't/couldn't enjoy it knowing that close family were unable to share in the joy of seeing children open presents, nice food etc. For me at least it part of what Christmas is to share it with family and close friends.

I am however blessed in that everyone who comes gets on well with each other (an absence of anticipation/stress of any drama) and they all chip in to help (bringing puddings/cheese/booze/party food, give a £ contribution to the day and clearing/washing up - all of which is volunteered, I've never asked for any of it but do appreciate it).

I can imagine it being very different if the guests adversely impacted the overall jolly atmosphere, rather than contributing to it and expected to be waited on hand and foot whilst making no contribution (effort or chipping in with the cost) whatsoever.

In that instance I may well have chosen to adopt a stance of making my own arrangements and feel little guilt about others choosing or not choosing to do the same.

I understand where you're coming from OP. Traditionally my iLs hosted on Xmas Eve and my parents hosted on Xmas Day, with each inviting the other to their party so no one was 'left out' as my brother lived 2500 miles away and DH's brother and his wife (who managed to 'show up' for gifts at the iLs Xmas Eve) always went to her parents Xmas Day. Xmas morning we had 'just our little family' to open gifts at the butt crack of dawn and the grandparents were invited to drop by later to see 'what Santa brought' and for coffee/cake or breakfast if DH felt like cooking.

But I'm reminded that after FiL died we (DH and I) started having MiL & my parents for a simple supper (hearty soup, salad, dessert) on Xmas Eve as the first year MiL wasn't up to it (FiL died in October) and then her health started failing. BiL and SiL never offered to host her and the year FiL died they started going to her parents on Xmas Eve, too.

I couldn't bear to know that either my parents OR my iLs were alone on Xmas Day (unless they wanted to be).

YADefinitelyNBU.

Have this EVERY bloody year with my brother. I enjoy seeing my parents but he does annoy me doing this.

Lots of martyrs on this thread!

It's funny isn't it. If a younger couple chose to spend christmas alone together, they would probably be called selfish by some people. But the idea of an older couple spending Christmas together, it's a tragedy. Weird.

The phrase my own little family is so smug.

dont blame christmas either.isnt this just what you do anyway with family.if there is a special day,party event etc youd think the same.
lets not blame christmas

The phrase my own little family is so smug

Agree completely