To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

I think if you get on and have a nice time in whatever combination then you are overthinking it. My DH's DB never invited Mil for Christmas - always spent it with his wife's side of the family. MIL - who was a widow - came to us every year. Very soon she became part of our tradition - my parents were both alive - sometimes we would see them (with MIL) sometimes not. MIL died a few years ago and I can't tell you how much we all miss her at Christmas . Now it's my mum who is on her own - we always see her (usually at her house) my DB and SIL don't make much effort on that front. I would never leave her on her own at Christmas (though I don't think she would complain if I did). Now she is too is woven into our traditions in the way MIL was. I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that we never really know how long these people will be with us so if you you enjoy their company then just enjoy it. They won't be there forever and then you can spend in the day in pyjamas, eating chocolate (definitely not my idea of a great Christmas - I think if DH and I were on our own we'd probably do something more glamorous). Looking back now I think BIL refusal to ever invite MIL is his loss and I feel pretty much the same way about my own brother.

YANBU OP! I think it’s wonderful that you’re inviting PIL and DM! And yes, it’s selfish to ignore your parents on Christmas after all the happy memories they’ve given you...hopefully.

There are 23 of us total & we all meet up at the parents Christmas Eve for singing, dancing, & games with Christmas lunch next day and playing with new toys. There are bedrooms for the adults and the kids in sleeping bags all around the Christmas tree!
One year BIL decided that they would have just their little family when kids were small. Worked until late Christmas Eve when the littles told him it’s boring and we wanna go to Granny & Papa! They made the 2 hour drive that night! BIL hasn’t tried that again.

We host Boxing Day for DH’s family almost every year, this year we will be 26 people. Last year I haD to work Boxing Day, DH decided it was too much work on his own, no-one else offered to host.

Christmas Eve we have an extended family meal out.

Christmas Day we used to host my family, but this is our second Christmas without my mum. We will have us and MIL, possibly also her sister.

Last year we also hosted 4 more, but they weren’t great guests, arrived later than requested, didn’t help, ate, slept on the sofa, then went home. We haven’t invited them this year.

If asked, we will be having a quiet Christmas Day as hosting 26 is tiring, and expensive

@torain6319

There are 23 of us total & we all meet up at the parents Christmas Eve for singing, dancing, & games with Christmas lunch next day and playing with new toys. There are bedrooms for the adults and the kids in sleeping bags all around the Christmas tree!

One year BIL decided that they would have just their little family when kids were small. Worked until late Christmas Eve when the littles told him it’s boring and we wanna go to Granny & Papa! They made the 2 hour drive that night! BIL hasn’t tried that again.

FFS, your poor brother-in-law.

I feel so sorry for him, being part of such a hugely controlling family, that bullies and coerces you into doing what THEY want, by manipulating the little children into pecking your head, until you do what said 'controlling family' want.

I can't think of anything worse.

What a horrible situation to be in, and what utterly horrible, manipulative, controlling behaviour. I literally pity your brother-in-law. Hope he manages to escape one day.

most people in run of the mill ordinary families would feel guilty if dear old Mum is home alone

But your thread is not about someone being alone is it.

You are talking about a married couple spending the day together.

Why the angst?

Although I've never said "my own little family" I can't see why it's smug... I presume people use it to differentiate from the extended family because they feel pretentious saying nuclear family or "my household" and long winded listing spouse's name and the children's names... It's twee, as most self conscious attempts to avoid using formal vocabulary are, but not smug.

Alternatively, of course, say 'everyone who wants to come is welcome, we'll be having beans on toast as I don't want to cook'. There is equally no need to cook large and expensive meals on demand.

But anyone who would feel left out and unwanted without an invitation has their invitation. No need to be alone/lonely!

Or is that being 'selfish', because the GPs expect to be provided with the full, traditional works and therefore the grown up children must provide it?

I understand this, although I think people's reaction to the premise of the thread is very much dependent on their own family dynamics.

DH and I, for differing reasons, have obligations for our parents at Christmas over and above just wanting to spend time with them over the festive season. His DM and DGM have been widowed for a long time and my parents have a fractious relationship (which is a whole thread in its own right) that means they make an effort for Christmas in a wider group - and genuinely have a good time - but don't bother and snipe at each other if they have it alone. Both our siblings are 'just us and our little families' people, with a side order of 'we work SO hard and have SO little time off' (ie the same amount of everyone else). Last year my sister organised a 'pre-Christmas do' for my parents and us... on November 9 because that was the closest she could possibly get together with our side of the family possibly because of all those other social events she was busy Instagramming for the six week festive period after that.

We genuinely don't mind hosting everyone, the kids love it, everyone has a good time, no-one feels left out and generally everyone has buggered off by 7pm when the kids go to bed so we still get an evening with a glass of wine and some telly just the two of us. But if some reason we decided not to do it our respective parents would be alone because the other siblings wouldn't want to do it. Not being martyrish about it, it's just fact.

Unless there are issues and huge back stories I think people can be very selfish at Christmas when it comes to their family. I would love to have a Christmas at home with my husband and son. My mother in law is very welcome to come to us but she is ninety and cant do our stairs to the loo. We live 30 miles away and every year we high tail it back and forth up the motorway. Its really hard work as she has a small house heating wacked right up and I have a three year old whose needs dont dovetail so well with hers. She is a lovely kind lady but we get on her nerves im sure. She has been invited to my parents house for a curry but she doesnt like eating out so wont go. Her daughter and other son never have her for Christmas the excuse being that they have their own "little families ". The term makes me want to vomit. None of them give any consideration to the fact that we are a family too. My mother in law is part of the family and as much as it drives me crazy at times I want her to have a good day and would not even consider leaving her on her own coz im not a selfish arse.

We have both sides of the family joining us for Christmas - all staying for a week. MIL and FIL are flying in from Canada, SIL, her DH and two DC’s are coming from the US and my parents, DSis, her DH and DC’s are arriving from Belgium. There will be 16 of us in total but other years we go away or go to one set of parents- no rule - everyone sorts out their plans.

My in laws would have been really hurt not to be invited for Christmas. It was a really important time for them (devout Catholics). I think they relished the opportunity not to be alone together. It wasn’t always easy, I often yearned for a Christmas alone with DH. But as has been said the “it’s only one day a year” cuts both ways.

Her daughter and other son never have her for Christmas the excuse being that they have their own "little families ". The term makes me want to vomit. None of them give any consideration to the fact that we are a family too.

No one is denying you, your husband and son are a family, too, surely? And you said yourself you would love to have a Christmas alone with just the three of you. The others are just doing what you would like to do, but won't because you have decided that having what you want would make you a 'selfish arse'. They presumably think differently.

I'm having a lovely friend of the family over again this Christmas.
He's elderly and his adult DC are my age ( mid 40's) , they left him alone the year after his wife died ( she died on Christmas Eve ) and have continued to do so.
I only found out afterwards that he was alone.
The DC go to a very nice gastro pub with their respective in-laws and some friends but don't invite him .
However he's purchased cars, new kitchens and even a bloody charter yacht for his DC.
He's only wanted when they need a hand out.
Neither have kids.
We love having him here.
He's part of all special occasions in our family and is one of my best friends despite the 82 year age difference.
I don't have a mum and my DF lives thousands of miles away.
Even in the days we would go to pils , I'd ask if he could come and even those miserable buggers welcomed him!
He's the loveliest man.
I know it hurts him but he never says anything and when I invite him I'll say at the start of November , if you don't have anything better to do we'd love to have you and he says I'll see what the DC say and I'll let you know.
So bloody sad.

@torain6319 23 of you every time? So all the same family, no inlaws to contend with? Who does all the work?

I’m an only child with an at times difficult relationship with my parents. It’s taken me until my 50s to realise that actually it’s ok not to try to please them all the time.

So although usually we’ll have them over for a day at Christmas, sometimes (this year) it will be Boxing Day instead.

All family dynamics are different. No point at all in being critical about what other people do.

On balance I suppose you are right.

I am very much an "our little family", stay at home on Christmas day type. My dp has painful reasons for having no family to visit on his side and tbh that isn't even the main reason, I have dysfunctional siblings who take over the day and wouldn't want to see either, as well as issues with my dad....

I'm lucky that 2 of my siblings are very much a visit parents on Christmas type, so it works in my favour also.

So in my personal circumstances I am lucky that I have people who are actively wanting to go round to my parents to see them on the day. But if that wasn't the case I can see the guilt it may cause.

If it was just my mum i would invite her over in a heartbeat. But i wont have my childrens' day spoilt by dysfunctional family dynamics. I love them too much and Christmas is too damn important to me!

So thankful for my very relaxed family. I have hosted some years others I've decided I can't be botherd with it all, no one takes offence, no one tries to make me feel obligated and there's no expectation of anything from one year to the next. It's nice to see family we live very close and see each other regularly but the big Christmas day thing is a lot of work, a huge expense and really tiring. Everyone's always welcome to pop round at some point after diner but it's really not up to anyone how other people spend their Christmas.

If your SIL and BIL want to have a Christmas or 10 Christmases to themselves thats up to them and not for you to decide that everyone must do Christmas in what you deem to be the right way. Have your inlaws or don't they're just as capable of cooking themselves a meal as they are the other 364 days a year.

one of my best friends despite the 82 year age difference.. How old is he, 122? You only have his side though, just because someone is financially supportive doesn't always make a good person.

Op you are not being unreasonable.
You're clearly a very caring person and I don't know why your post has caused so much crap to be thrown your way.
You're not a martyr, you care.
How you can get shot down for that I don't know !

@MistyCloud absolutely agree with the ffs your poor bil! How mean of the poster to revel in the fact as well!

@TitianaTitsling no he hasn't had his telegram from the queen but I'm certain he will .
He is in his 80's , I'm in my 40's ( which I had said if you'd bother to read my post instead of just nit picking pieces of it )
I can assure you that he is an extremely nice man.
I've known both DC for a long time and they were spoilt kids, who have become selfish entitled adults.
I've been to family occasions with his family and they do not have a bad relationship with him.
They are just thoughtless.
He takes them out for lunch every Sunday and they have a good relationship, it just all gets weird at Christmas.
Who knows why ? Not my business to ask but I can see how much it hurts him.

It reminds me of Cold Comfort Farm - Aunt Ada Doom insisting that no-one leave the farm because she saw something nasty in the woodshed, so they all put their dreams aside and simmer with gloom...

Except Amos has gone off preaching anyway, and the rest of the family are resentful that they 'can't' do the same thing... except, of course, they can

Yes I agree with you OP. Other people dip out. My dad is now on his own, my brother once told me 'oh I know he's ok cos you keep your eye on him'! Oh right ok then

I like seeing my family at Christmas but I also like having Christmas at home just me, dp and ds. I don't feel any obligation to host anyone at Christmas. Sometimes I host, sometimes I go to family members, sometimes I have Christmas at home with just my family. Everyone in my family have the same view. Do what you want not what everyone else wants.

You're clearly a very caring person and I don't know why your post has caused so much crap to be thrown your way.

Because the OP is blaming her SIL for being 'selfish' for making a different choice.

Rather than simply saying 'I want my parents and in-laws to have the family Xmas they want, so I choose to provide it'.