To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

Grandparents are always included in our Christmas. We wouldn't have it any other way.

Also I would love to have parents over on Christmas day but my parents are very abusive

No one is talking about abusive parents...of course, yanbu to not spend Christmas with them. I think the op is talking about families where everyone generally gets on and there's no huge issues or terrible circumstances.

It's such an individual decision, isn't it, completely depends on the family relationships.

We have an odd situation in that I'd be fine hosting the IL's every year (they'd have to stay for a few days due to the distance) but they won't come because SIL2 refuses to leave her dogs (i.e. pay for pet-sitting) and they're reluctant to leave her on her own. So we're forced to have a "little family" Christmas unless we travel. Last year we went away with SIL1 and her DH, it was great!

It's actually a bit unkind on my SIL's part as she's fine for us to pay four airfares (internal flights) and pay for pet-sitting for our dog, but won't do it herself. So we go to them every couple of years.

We have our own Christmas and my parents spend the day on their own - they have no other children. Might have to change that once one passes away but no one minds how it is now. We see them Xmas eve and that's just fine.

People put a lot of emotional stock into Christmas. Not inviting parents or siblings does have the potential to hurt feelings. It's nothing to do with thinking they can't cope for a day without your 'blessed company', it's just that some parents would feel unloved if not invited. If you have parents like that and you still please yourself in the assumption that someone else in the family will ensure that they do feel wanted and loved, then that is selfish.
Obviously if you have parents who want to stay home or go to a friend's instead, then crack on. But that's not really what the OP is about.

Turn taking is all very well if you're talking families with one or two children all living close to their parents and grandparents. Once you've got several siblings each plus spouses it's far more complicated- one of my SILs realised at some point that their Christmas with her Mum and Dad was always X year because of a long since departed ex-wife of someone or other!

Until I escaped the routine, Christmas for me wasnt "more the merrier" it was me from childhood through to adult travelling 3 hours to my parents to prep, skivvy and wash up for 18+ people without a single word of thanks. Zero guilt here.

My parents would love christmas dinner alone. But I just keep showing up with the kids!!

Not quite that bad, but if I stayed home one year they probably wouldn't try and encourage me round.

Parents can totally have dinner alone. No one needs to entertain them.

@BuzzShitbagBobbly I haven't accused you of lying . Just that you seem to be reading a lot more into my post than was there.

We had Christmas with just "our little family" last year... DB was off on an in-law tour as it was due. Before we could make plans involving DM, either we'd have to do double journeys to collect her or she'd have to put us up, she announced that she was off with all her singles mates. Shafted by an 80 year old! She had a great time, and I can see her wanting to do it again, and the reality is she finds it easier with her peers than the aggro of my energetic young family, and it's not worth being offended over.

So many problems with Christmas arrangements come from people having inflexible expectations and "traditions". Most families have complex structures that often just don't click together neatly. Being completely on your own at Christmas not freely of your own choice is not good, but that doesn't mean that a big family get-together is obligitary either.

Personally I hate when ppl get into set in stone routines, example, one year at my parents, the following year at dh’s parents!! That just leads to all sorts of problems when someone decides to deviate!!

Well, it will entirely bite her on the ass when her children are grown up with families of their own - she’ll have conditioned them to believe that Christmas should be “your own little family” and she’ll be home alone twiddling her thumbs.

Unless that’s exactly what she expects and hopes for them?

I want my children to make their own traditions

some parents would feel unloved if not invited. If you have parents like that and you still please yourself in the assumption that someone else in the family will ensure that they do feel wanted and loved, then that is selfish

But maybe they don't assume someone else in the family will step in. Maybe they have decided that their parents expectations are unreasonable, and it is not their responsibility (or anyone else's) to meet those expectations.

The fact that others then continue to meet those expectations, while resenting them, is also not their responsibility.

Put up with the hassle and comply, or set your boundary and don't. Your choice either way - but you don't get to choose for others.

As I said in a previous post - do you let your parents decide the rest of your life as well, and then resent them for it?

What’s so wrong with being occasionally selfish and putting your own wants first?

Honestly?

Absolutely agree Allington
I will never be that parent.
My daughter might spend Christmas day with me if I did that, but then no other time because I was being a self absorbed bitch.

What I do find odd is when parents insisted on Christmas at home with their children who then get annoyed that their now-adult children want the same thing.

We normally have DMIL to our house, but this year that won't happen. She is 82, can no longer walk unaided and we have no downstairs loo. She is in a care home 40min away - to be near her friends - who no longer visit...

She does not eat either (is on a liquid feeding tube) so DH will go down with the girls 17/19, I will stay home alone and cook as they all want a proper Christmas dinner - they will spend time with her, then come home for food at "teatime".

My mum is in hospital 600 miles away, my sis who lives there will spend part of the the day with her. She will whinge and complain as the vociferous martyr she is - despite knowing how we are spending our Christmas... can't "win" whichever way...

Going to be a bit of a different Christmas.

Not everyone has choice. I can't relieve the stress on my sister any more that she can on me.

Not rtft but my sibling and partner do this and it leaves my parents alone every other year when I am with my in laws. I personally find it so selfish

We have had Xmas day the last 3 years on our own! That's my right! I have a good relationship with parents and in laws. This year my in laws have specifically said they want Xmas on their own too!
Don't be judgey everyone's situation is different just cuz people do it differently to you!

I do understand, this year I really could have done without a houseful, it's the first year since I separated and I have a new partner who quite frankly I would prefer to be with but I'm cooking for 10, people in every sleeping space. My brothers don't shun responsibility exactly, they are coming to mine for 3 nights! My fault for having the largest house!

You seem to be fixated on the idea that what happens this year is what will happen every year.Things change and so do people's preferences. Your BIL and SIL might have a baby in a year or two and change their plans accordingly. One or more of the older generation might decide to spend christmas on a nice sunny beach somewhere. And at some point one or more of the parents will pop their clogs, and that will change things quite a lot, too.

It's not really up to you what other people do really. People are allowed to have a different Christmas than the one you want.

My parents would love christmas dinner alone. But I just keep showing up with the kids!!

Then maybe do it this year.Dont turn up with the kids.Let your parents have the Christmas they want

Take the hint.

I hear you, OP. My sister sees her in-laws (who she finds exhausting and boring) every second year without fail or they sulk and cry (literally!) but she frequently doesn’t come to see our family because her husband ‘likes a quiet Christmas sometimes’ - never when it interferes with his side of the family though! It’s entirely her own fault for putting up with it, but it also meant that if I didn’t go to my mum’s she’d be on her own, so it definitely impacts on me. And it made my mum, who used to be v laidback about that sort of thing, feel hard done by and now every time they do it she gets more offended and words have been had.

@Dustarr73

It was a lighthearted comment. My mum cooks the turkey/goose. I cook everything else. My dad always drags the kids away to play a game. My dad worked away when I was a child; away for 3 months and home for 2 weeks. We didn't get many Christmases together so having kids around at christmas is something he loves. The only party that's annoying is having to eat early because of the kids, so if we didn't go, they'd enjoy eating late and wouldn't be hurt or feel abandoned which some posters are suggesting.

Theyd still encourage me to go round for the day for visiting, but my point was that parents are capable of eating dinner alone without feeling abandoned

You really cant make lighthearted posts on mumsnet without then having to explain the entire blooyd background.

This thread is about "having" to have dinner with parents of they'll feel abandoned. Maybe they won't!
Why not do a visit on xmas morning or a visit on boxing day or something. They still get all the fun of xmas, and you still get to have your family xmas dinner alone.