To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

YABVVVU
My DM never invites us for Christmas first. She always invites my DB and my two DNs first. She's come to us when they've had other plans. We had my (now late) PILs. We have been given the third choice beds at another relatives. And we've had our own Christmas at ours with just us and now with the DCs. They are both young and one has SEN and now they are used to Christmas at ours and the routine we have a nice time.
As a child I wanted to have Christmas at our house, just us. I only got it about twice. My DM could have made us her priority when we didn't have DCs or when they were babies.
This year she suddenly (on the 1st Dec) had a fit of family and asked us to come, but again, not to stay at hers. She's begged a favour from a friend who is away and we can stay there two nights. I told her no, we had our Christmas planned and it is just us but she's welcome to come as arranged after Christmas. Now she's pestering me with "but my friend needs an answer". I know she wants to try and weaken me.

I think it's heartbreaking that some people would rather leave their parents by themselves on Christmas Day.

@buzzshitbagbobbly

Oh do give over!

Do you think your parents sit in the dark eating thin gruel every day they don't spend with their exalted offspring who offer the only flicker of joy in their life?

You do realise they have lives and things to do and people to see of their own? They didn't just exist to birth you, however utterly fantastic you think you are, and then stop being people in their own right.

@GingleJangleScarecrow

Oh FFS this is absurd. We're not seeing either of our (grown-up) children or the grandchildren this year at Christmas, and we didn't see them last year either. They have their own plans to see friends/in-laws/whoever.

We certainly won't be sitting in the dark sobbing over a guttering candle stub. I have just been out and stocked the fridge/freezer/wine rack with lots of nice food and drink. We will be popping over to friends on Christmas Day for a glass of fizz. No worrying about whether planes will be delayed.

All of this. It's pathetic and laughable that some people feel they MUST push themselves on their parents, or make sure THEY come to theirs, because they will be sooooo sad and lonely......... Me and DH certainly will not be. We have plenty of plans for Christmas day and Boxing day that include NO-ONE ELSE.

As I said, we are seeing nearly 20 extended family members on Christmas eve lunchtime, and then we are ALL doing our own thing for the next 2-3 days.

And 'the more the merrier' feckers really fuck me right off. They're the same ones who just pop in to peoples houses, even without an invite, and won't take no for an answer.

And as I said, the annoying thing IS, that the more people there are turning up, the more work there is for the WOMEN - usually the younger women (under 50,.) The men will be doing fuck-all. (And the 'more the merrier' feckers are often the ones who expect others to do everything too!)

It's very telling that the only ones who are being critical and arsey and judgy on here, are the ones who want and NEED to be with extended family on Christmas day and Boxing Day. They crave this big 'family Christmas' with their extended family, (even if half the people involved don't want it!)

And anyone else who doesn't want it is a boring grumpy arsehole who is being 'fucking sad' by having the audacity to want to be with their partner only (and their kids if they have any.)

As I said, I don't know what people are trying to prove. They must make very little effort, and hardly see the extended family/parents during the year, if they have so much desperation to be with them on Christmas day and Boxing Day. Me and my adult DC/extended family see each other all the time (once or twice a week,) and are there for each other all-year-round, so we don't need to make up for anything at Christmas.

I think it's the ones desperate to try and have everyone together on Christmas day (even if other people don't want it,) who are the ones feeling 'guilty......'

And, by the way, I have NEVER seen anyone say 'my little family....'

This doesn't seem to be a problem in my house. We invited all the gps this year and they all declined...wonder if it's my cooking... .

My dsis is coming though and DH will take the dcs to see his dm and ddad, nieces and nephews etc at sil's house, while my dsis and I go for a walk and eat our own body weight in cocktail sausages make the dinner.

I do think you are being a little U, as all the gparents have somewhere to go and even if they didn't, they would have each other.

My aunt and uncle (in their 70s) choose to have Christmas just the two of them some years and it's their single ds who gets stuck looking for somewhere to go!

So, you know, what works for some families, doesn't work for others. It's silly to assume all gps would be gutted not to have somewhere to go. And not all people want a 'just our little family' Christmas either. I don't! I love having a bit more company on the day. But some people do, so meh.

So if we stopped inviting PILs it would be on the understanding that we're putting that responsibility on to the remaining SIL, every year.

This gives your PIL no say in the matter though, OP! It may well happen that way but you're assuming that they have to go somewhere.

We've had all kinds of Christmases - large ones, small ones, and Christmas get-togethers at different times of the year due to distance. All fine, it's a bit too prescriptive to expect a tv-ad style table full of relatives on the same day every year.

There will be a time when my own child spends her birthday and Christmas away from us, her parents, and that's fine too IMO. I'll still be celebrating Christmas even if I was on my own!

This is clearly an issue you feel sensitive about...

Oh no, bring the handcuffs! Your brilliant "gotcha" has skewered my web of lies! My previous posts in the thread were all a carefully staged shell to cover my clearly guilty inadequacies...

My mum is single and in her seventies. She has a standing invitation for all of Christmas day to my DSis' family and her 5 DC but usually only goes for the dinner and then leaves early. She loves them all dearly but hates being cooped up in the house all day with them. Last year she contemplated just staying home on her own, happy as a clam. (I'm overseas from her so not in the Christmas Day planning mix)
OP, if you just want it to be your own wee family on Christmas day, do that. If you're happy to host your parents and they're happy to come to you, do that. Just don't moan about it either way.

I agree. Only child here too and while I don't always have an amazing relationship with my DPs or MIL I would never exclude them at christmas. Some years we have put our foot down about going to them, but it's always framed as "we are having xmas at home/abroad this year but would love it if you could join". I'm amazed so many people would disagree tbh. If there are siblings they need to take turns, unless the parents genuinely want Christmas alone of course

I’d love to have my parents over but Dsis won’t ‘let’ them and they don’t want to upset her. She says “It wouldn’t be Christmas if they didn’t go to hers.” We have a SN child and people avoid coming over or inviting us so we aren’t welcome there. But it’s ok, we are happy just our little family everyone has their own family issues to deal with at this time of year.

The very idea of "the more the merrier" with my SEN child fills me with dread.

What's the betting there are MNers here thanking their lucky stars they don't have to hoik over to a relative's house for a day of enforced jollity and pitying patronage from their bountiful family who "can't bear" to see them alone for one day a year (and probably make sure to post it all over SM to show off their largesse).

Then they get to go back to their nice, clean, tidy, quiet homes and enjoy whatever lovely food and drink they have for themselves, in peace and quiet for the other 364 days.

The sad thing is some ppl don't really care about relatives outside their nuclear family.

My BIL *Dsis's DH) is like this with his mum...so his sister has their DM every year.

My Dsis has suggested they have her sometimes, but he doesn't want to.

The fact that your parents may be active and have friends and interests does not mean that they won't feel sad or upset at being left on their own on Christmas day.

My mother has lots of friends and is involved in a couple of community activities. It doesn't mean that she's fine with being expected to spend Christmas day with none of her children or grandchildren visiting or having her for dinner. Thankfully none of us would dream of doing that to her.

My husband and I have agreed since we first got our own home that the 25th was "just for us"

Now we're parents it's not changed.

We didn't want turn taking each year, and both sides of the family agree to it.

We're seeing his side Christmas Eve, mine boxing day. And then close friends the 27th.

My parents don't have anywhere else to go, so I do always check they actually enjoy the day to themselves and they genuinely do. They exchange gifts, have a walk, have a nice lunch and watch films, ready for the craziness of us descending on the 26th.

We had DHs family over for lunch and the evening last year. but I don't think anyone is having a miserable Christmas due to us wanting to have ours how we do. I'd never want to force my children when older to spend Christmas day doing something they didn't want to just to please me.

No one is suffering any obligations for our ‘little family Christmas’. In fact I’d like my parents or anyone else really to join us as I find it boring.

I grew up just my little family of mum, dad and me at Christmas. (As did Dh with his parents and just him). My grandparents always had their Christmas alone despite having 4 grown up children. No one ever expected it to be any different.

Now I’m grown up with kids of my own my parents have no intention of coming here or inviting us to them! They will come for dinner Boxing Day tho. Pils never visited us once so Christmas was no exception.

From 16 years old I spent Christmas Day with whichever partner I had at the time.

I have a half sister who also never visits and doesn’t see my mum and our dad at Christmas, or ever that much really.

We are strange

I dare say some more elderly parents would quite like a nice, peaceful day on their own.

I've read recently of more than one person who's had to fight off relatives and friends who say, 'But you can't be on your own at Christmas! You must come to us!'

But they don't want to. They'd rather have a peaceful, self-indulgent day at home, eating and drinking whatever they like, watching whatever TV they like from their own comfortable sofa, listening to the radio or reading, having a snooze if they feel like it - no noisy or whiny overtired or over-excited kids, etc.

But somehow it's against some sort of unwritten law to say so without people taking offence or thinking there's something wrong with them.

yes there are loads of people:

nhs staff
police officers
doctors
nurses
ambulance drivers
care workers

Christ alive, I'm 42, hardly some doddery old lady!
I spend plenty of time with Dd, we're having a night out on Thursday seeing vengaboys .
I really am perfectly fine not to see her on one day of the year.

To each their own? I always go with what my FIL said when I first met DH, "I don't ever want to be an obligation".

We are having our first Christmas as just our family this year and honestly I'm so bloody relieved. DC are two (twins) they spent their first Christmas in NICU the second we travelled to MIL's house and had a house full of people I barely knew wanting to 'pass the baby' with both DD and DS and whilst it was nice they were so interested in them, it was a PITA to get them to back off when it was time to feed the twins and let them sleep.

I don't recall having a whole family affair for Christmas growing up and I come from a massive family who all lived locally to one another, but Christmas day we would do our own thing.

This year MIL and her husband will be going out for Christmas dinner and MIL is delighted she doesn't have to cook for the first time in years. FIL will possibly be alone on the day - but is invited over for Boxing Day.

They both understand our want to have our first proper Christmas as a 'little family' - I'm sure they would love to come over, but they understand. We may offer to host in the years to come or not, but I think the obligation of hosting is one that should never be pushed onto anybody.

Because of distance (they lived 200 miles away) my ILs would never visit for less than a week. So they came for Christmas and New Year. My mother lived locally and would join us for lunch (with my sibling if they were at home). Throw in a couple of parental birthdays over the festive period and it was very complicated. It was just easier for us to host. Now parents are all gone, sibling has family of their own and they go to their partner’s. We get to chill but in some ways I miss having a houseful.

Agree with you and am a bit surprised that views diverge so much.

Op, can you explain why people should feel guilty for leaving a parent at home on Christmas day?
I'm autistic. Also I would love to have parents over on Christmas day but my parents are very abusive, even to my dcs and dh. Christmas feels less sad now I'm used to not being in contact with them. Although I have terrible memories from Christmas day because of them and my abusive grandmother. I would love to have relatives over, but Brexit and the election have shown me that the rest of my family are massive racists. Also my aunt told me she knew what my parents were like, but never did anything about it.

This is why I hate Christmas. YANBU OP!

Call me a martyr if you wish but honestly, my DM has a great line in making you feel really guilty about any of it. Last year she came over for lunch, afternoon and evening, and even then I got an ear bashing about how it was the first time she and DF had spent Christmas morning alone. (They have been married for 50 years! )

DH escapes to work (farmer) and I get left with everyone else's leftovers. FIL is like a dementor, sucking the joy out of everything, but Mil won't come without him (we did try that last year. Didn't manage to pull it off) and desperately doesn't want to be alone at Christmas. For all you lovely posters saying that you are being put upon by relatives insisting you come for lunch, there are equally as many manipulative parents who use every guilt inducing tactic and press all their children's buttons to score the invitation.

Roll on New Year.

YANBU OP, at least on the social obligation / expectations within families point. I'm not quite in the same position but am on 'the other side' as it were - only child, DP's parents are dead and we are always, absolutely, without fail expected to go to my parents for dinner on Christmas Eve and the whole of Christmas Day. Yes, I know I should have set better boundaries earlier, yes I know there is such a word as 'no' but honestly, the fallout for the rest of the year simply wouldn't be worth it. The one year I tried to opt out (we were living a couple of hundred miles away and I was made redundant at the beginning of December) my mother insisted on her, my father and the other family members and friends she sweeps along in her wake renting a large cottage near where we were living for the Christmas period and them travelling down to stay there, so I/we 'had no excuse' not to join them.

It's not that we don't have a nice time when we're there because we mostly do, and we do help out with the prep/clearing etc as well as making sure we contribute to the food and/or drink (our house is too small to host - we could fit my parents in but not the waifs and strays she similarly overpowers who are part of our Christmas every year, like it or not); it's just the fact that it is utterly non-negotiable unless I want to start a WWIII that would probably never be forgiven, and I simply don't have the energy to detonate that bomb. It's easier to go along with it and put up with the odd twinge of resentment that I've never had Christmas Day in my own house.

I can see it might be an issue if it happens every year, but equally don't think it is unreasonable at all to have occasional christmases without hosting.

SIL (DH's sister) lives in NZ and the only time we can see her and her family is over Christmas because we can go for the whole of the school Christmas holidays for comparatively few days of holiday.

DH's parents do not like travelling at all now and won't come out. They do spend Christmas on their own (although they'll spend best part of 3 hours at church). As it is the only chance we get to see SIL, we wouldn't give that up for the sake of one day and it hadn't occurred to me to feel guilty about it.

Well, it will entirely bite her on the ass when her children are grown up with families of their own - she’ll have conditioned them to believe that Christmas should be “your own little family” and she’ll be home alone twiddling her thumbs.