To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

I'm in a similar situation to you OP - my in-laws have come here for the last few Christmasses because my brother-in-law and sister-in-law want to be on their own, and my parents come here too while my siblings host friends for the day.

What you are saying had never occurred to me - I don't feel like having them here is a job or something I take my turn at. I genuinely love having them all here and I don't consider that we're facilitating our siblings' arrangements - I'm just glad that it works out the way it does because we all get what we want (unless either set of parents wants to spend Christmas with their other child, but they would never say that to me I would imagine!). If you really are happy to have your parents and in-laws, then your siblings-in-laws' plans shouldn't come into it.

Also, they may say that they would rather just have their household for Christmas, but that's not the same as saying that they would never have their parents. If the circumstances changed, then they might well invite them, but they probably haven't given it a thought because they consider you to be making the arrangements that suit you for Christmas as opposed to thinking of your plans as you doing them a favour by inviting their parents.

I think any Europeans reading this would weep...

@Likethebattle then just take her home At 10pm. It’s really within your power.

She’s not taking your needs into consideration. Why is it OK for her to be “selfish”, but you are not allowed to have your own once met?

European here - my favourite thing about my mums Christmas is that she always invites a collection of single family friends/people with family abroad

If the circumstances changed, then they might well invite them, but they probably haven't given it a thought because they consider you to be making the arrangements that suit you for Christmas as opposed to thinking of your plans as you doing them a favour by inviting their parents @CharityConundrum I think this is just it. They may not realize that she thinks she is “taking one for the team“. It doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of communication.

Not read whole thread but I agree with the OP.

Ah yes, that famously homogenous European culture where they get together 5 December, or 8 December, or 24 December, 6 January etc..

@LovePoppy she’s maniplulativd and would make us feel guilty forever

@Likethebattle I’ve learned something amazing over the last few years, it’s been truly freeing. She can try to guilt you. But you make yourself feel guilty.

You can honestly choose not to play into it.

My grandmother speaks in passive aggressive. I take her at face value when she says whatever she does to guilt me. “Oh dear, I guess I’ll just have to go home” me “oh, are you ready? I’ll get my things and we can go”.

It takes practice, but it’s within your control.

I don’t have my parents or FIL over on Christmas Day. None of them have any interest in our DC (or particularly in myself or DH) so I don’t feel the obligation to invite them around and wait on them all day. DH works in an industry that is extremely busy in December- Christmas Day and Boxing Day are often his only days off in the whole month. We see my parents and FIL on days surrounding Christmas instead. I think if they had a better relationship with us/DC I would feel more of an obligation perhaps.

We don't have people over on Christmas Day because we've never lived near enough to anyone in our families for it to work and when i was small we used to get dragged round various relatives' houses, where we'd be cooped up and hot, when all we wanted to be doing was playing with toys at home. I swore that wasn't going to be the case for my kids and it hasn't been.

My PILs will be on their own but afaik they're happy about it. I don't see it as my responsibility to invite them here, my husband has been away on a few occasions at Christmas and me and my children never got so much as a phone call. If it was one of them on their own, and both SILs didn't invite them, I probably would. My parents are off on their 6 week, annual Winter sun holiday tomorrow so they're quite happy.

This year it's just me, DH and DS1. DS2 is working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and spending it with his girlfriend's family. Last year DS1 went skiing. I honestly don't mind what they do. Had DS1 decided to go away again this year then me and DH would've probably done the same.

We always had big family Christmases with lots of aunts, grandparents and cousins visiting and it is absolutely the best memories of childhood for me. I am happy to host anyone that wants to visit so that my children can have a nice day. We've spent the odd year on our own but that's not what the kids want.

But we never got dragged round various relatives houses. Everyone came to us and stayed over for days, sleeping on floors and generally mucking in. I wouldn't drive them around on the day.

I love a big family Christmas and happily host for my parents and sisters family for a week to 10 days . My in laws are no longer with us.

In fact my dad died 2 yrs ago and I would love nothing more than another christmas with him. We are all scattered about the country and we have the biggest house and a large family so we are used to the chaos.
But we are all different so whilst I don't understand it at all there are obviously lots of people who don't feel the same. .
To me family is anyone in the wider family who wants to be involved and I personally wouldn't have it any other way . And i could never leave my mum home alone no matter what .

I’ve got a slightly different perspective- my grandparents, my mum does Christmas dinner for us & my grandparents on Christmas Eve so she has a more relaxed Christmas Day - so my auntie feels obliged to have them Christmas Day which I know she finds extremely stressful.

Makes you think how to be when your own children are adults I suppose - I hope my boys/their partners won’t feel put out by us being there - however I feel like I would more than likely offer to host for them with the option of them saying no 🤔

ReadyPayerTwo nope, not weeping. Europeans weirdly not being a homogeneous mass with stereotypical shared emotional responses you choose to project upon the entire populations of 44 completely different countries with different cultural expectations.

A single person would be on their own, a married couple have each other.

YANBU we carefully choreograph who is going to be where with siblings so no parents are left out. I do detest the travel though, on public transport with all the Santa shit.

I've never understood the need to just be on your own with your own dh and dcs. Obviously where you're not close to your dps I get it, but it's automatic to me, my siblings and my dh and his siblings that we go through a kind of rota each year to cover that each set of in laws are around for Christmas. I'd actually find it odd if it was just us!

"Christmas with our own little family" has to be the most smug, insular expression ever invented on social media

I don't ever remember people saying it, growing up, but the last few years it seems to be everywhere. Urgh

Kind of agree. In that, anyone who just refuses to think of other people’s situation and point blank refuses to do anything but exactly what they want is a nightmare.

Since SIL had her second child, she’s insisted on having Christmas at her house. She won’t go through to PILs for Christmas, just flat refuses. Won’t invite anyone but PILs (so her husband never sees his family at Xmas either).

PILs always want to see the grandkids at Christmas, so always go to hers. So DH hasn’t seen his parents on Xmas Day for ten years.

She is just a massive pain in the arse generally though, so I’m kinda relieved at not being invited. But I would suck it up every so often for DH’s sake.

Why do people think posting "I honestly don't understand people who see things/ feel differently to me" is a good argument? All that means is that the person posting lacks the ability to see things from other perspectives, not in any way that the person posting is right.

^^Agree Daisy, we did spend Christmas as just our family one year and it was actually rather dull, surely it’s no different to any other weekend day with a roast turkey & presents thrown in . The idea of sitting around in your pyjamas gloating over new toys sounds tedious and self indulgent to me. I can’t believe that so many mumsnetters really lead such busy and important lives that they need so much time to ‘reconnect’ with their own little family .

I am just relieved that we’ve never got into a rut about Christmas expectations, we’ve hosted, been to my family, been to DH’s family, volunteered, worked (before our DS was born) been on holiday .... no routine and no feeling of obligations. I am conscious though that we have an only Child and would hate him to feel obliged to ‘look after’ us at Christmas. My parents are late 80s & make it clear they don’t want to travel at Christmas or stay in uncomfortable spare beds, (or noisy households ) but I appreciate it might be very different if they didn’t have each other.

I honestly don't understand why people want to spend Christmas with only the people they live with

• because your extended family live close enough to get to but not close enough to pop to, and you don't want to spend the day travelling
• because some people find spending time with their extended family stressful and would rather not do it on Christmas Day when there is so much added expectation
• because you have hardly any time off work and don't want to spend it doing something you don't enjoy (see points above)
• extended family members are in ill health and would feel obliged to come if you invited them but actually don't want the fuss of travelling or having people over on Christmas Day
• if have a partner you have 2 sides of the family to see and whatever way you do it your mother will always claim it is not fair and still bring this up several years later

... just some of the reasons why we have Christmas Day at home without any guests

I can’t believe that so many mumsnetters really lead such busy and important lives that they need so much time to ‘reconnect’ with their own little family .

I work weekends a lot, by the time I finish through the week, get tea and homework done, it's my younger kids bedtime, my oldest son works long hours, my other teen volunteers and has a job. We dont get a lot of family time. This year we all have 3 of the same days off over Christmas, so boak away, I will be enjoying my 3 days off with all my children uninterrupted by anyone else.