To think there's often someone else facilitating your "Christmas Day at home with just our little family"

[DisPater]

.... In terms of social obligation, that is?

We either go to my parents, or have them here, every year. I am an only child, and I wouldn't have them on their own. Luckily we all get on really well.

Some years we have MIL and FIL too, again not a problem. DH comes from a largish family, so MIL and FIL have other options, which my parents don't. Again this isn't a problem, we don't mind.

One of my Sils, however, insists on the aforementioned Christmas at home with her own little family. Totally up to her. But she's essentially relying on her parents going to her sibling's house, and her in laws going to another of their children's houses for the day. If we all stopped inviting our parents because we wanted a day with just out , then where would they go?

I for one simply couldn't do that to either my inlaws or my own parents. Obviously it's different if your relationship with them is poor, or they have other long standing arrangements. My grandparents, once their children were grown, announced that every Christmas they would either visit relatives in Australia, or the relatives would come here and they'd all have dinner in a hotel. Absolutely fair enough. But my parents and inlaws would be gutted not to have the family Christmas Day. Part of me thinks it would be lovely to have the day at home, every year, with Christmas films and chocolate, pj's on all day, but if we did this it would basically be on the assumption that someone else would be picking up the slack and having the parents every single year, or they'd be on their own. Does that make sense? Again obvious disclaimer that this doesn't apply if your parents are abusive/don't care about Christmas/the other side of the world, I'm talking about families where there is a reasonable expectation that they'll be going round to someone's house on the day

He is in his 80's , I'm in my 40's ( which I had said if you'd bother to read my post instead of just nit picking pieces of it )

Yes, but you said there was an 82-year age difference between you, which was what I assume the other poster was getting at!

@ItsNearlyMorning I took literally the "82 year age difference" to mean there is a difference of 82 years between you.

Ah crosspost Fan!

I've been to family occasions with his family and they do not have a bad relationship with him. They are just thoughtless. He takes them out for lunch every Sunday and they have a good relationship, it just all gets weird at Christmas.

So they all see one another regularly, and have a perfectly functional relationship, and have regular meals out together. They just don't see Christmas as key to their relationship.

So nobody makes a typo in your perfect worlds ?
I'm delighted for you both.
Would you like a sticker ?

Yes but he does , especially as Christmas time is such a difficult time for him because of his wife's horrific death on Christmas Eve.
He hates being alone and lost in thought.

Can l have a shiny one please? Of course people make typos but would usually make light of it and say thats what it was. It's really not something dramatic!

It was in amusement/bemusement, rather than intended as a criticism, @ItsNearlyMorning. Although I did wonder if you were an unusually precocious teenager hosting a centenarian friend.

@MistyCloud

Where in the world do you get controlling from that post? We never spoke with them until they phoned to say they were en route. It’s called “having a good time” and not just the kids but my sister (and BIL)was missing us and the fun to be had.
It’s funny but BIL is actually the controlling personality and it was hilarious that they had him come round. Why would he leave? He adores us all—just his idea to start a new tradition for their family and we were fine with it.
Stick to bitching. Psychoanalysis is not for you. 😂😂😂 I’ll bet YOU don’t get invited out at any time except for kicks. Can you imagine what they say about you. Know It None comes to mind😂🤣😂🤣🤣🤣

Have you ever stopped to consider that your parents might actually want to be on their own on Christmas day?

Yes very presumptive to think they need to come at Christmas.

I can see your point, but people shouldn't be obligated to do anything!

I mean do you invite your parents for Xmas because you want to spend it with them or because you are "obligated" .....?

We usually take it turns with mine or DH family, alternative years etc. But given my parents are separated and all parents live in different counties it make a Christmas a rather stressful affair trying to squeeze everyone in over the festive period.
This year DH only has 2 days off work!
So we have refused to do back to back travelling etc and are staying home Xmas day. And due to my Niece not wanting to see my brother (whole other thread) it's meant things have really been turned on their head!
But does that mean, to keep the peace, we should have sucked it up and squeezed everyone in, driven hundreds of miles etc and ignored that fact that we just didn't want to do it?

Your SIL is obviously well within her right to have Christmas Day, at home with her family. The fact you feel obligated to have PIL is not her issue, it's yours. No one is forcing you to do it. Fair enough you don't want to see your pil on their own at Christmas, I would prob be the same. But you can't begrudge your sil having Christmas Day on their own surely.

@Fanlights Yes they so their own thing and yes I do think they are selfish arses because they never invite her round or consider that we may need a break. We are my mother in laws carers and see her twice a week do her shopping etc. I have asked if they will invite her and come to her Christmas day and they say that they are doing family things just themselves Is she not family? It implies that me my husband and son are not a family as they put their own needs above ours and their mother. Not thinking about anyone but themselves.Yes it can be hard bit they have just left us to deal with everything. So yes they are selfish arses and so are all the people who dont consider ther consequences of neglecting their elderly and lone relatives.

@Borisdaspide

The 23 includes kids, spouses, & sometimes spouse’s parents. My sisters, brothers, & spouses do all the work. DF takes the kids out to ride the horses. DM directs from a chair. Older DC set/clear tables.
It’s a madhouse but lots of fun.

We have mil every year and I would never leave her herself but i yearn for a year off :(

We only get 25th and 26th off, Christmas Eve is home, clean house, Christmas Day Mil comes and sometime my mum and brother. She lives 10 minutes away but wants to stay. Boxing Day is up making breakfast then trying not to strangle her as she tells the same dull anecdote over and over. She then faffs for fucking ages. Finally get her into the car and she will want to go to Asda (I feel really guilty going to the shops on Boxing Day as I’m against the shops opening. She then takes over an hour to do a shop for 1 person. We finally get her home then get back to face dinner go to bed and get up fit work. I’d prefer us we could drive her back on Christmas night at about 10pm just so we can have one day of rest :(

@TitianaTitsling
I didn’t “revel” in BIL misery as he wasn’t miserable to begin with. It was funny because he’s so much of a controlling person and the DC got him that time. We are all quite laid back. Spouse’ families join us when they can. FFS read before you jump in.
@ItsNearlyMorning
I agree! This poster knit picks—not actually reading before making assumptions 🙄 Just trolling to vent I suppose.

There are of course the 'little families' who are doing their best to cover up that their parents don't want to see them at Christmas - perhaps because they have a better offer from their Golden Child.

I know damn well that mine lied when invited over each year (with a guaranteed pick up and return in a nice, comfortable car) or a short visit was suggested (two hours max, guaranteed not to affect a normal Christmas as the timings never changed) and then went on to have a comfortable Christmas at home or, as was accidentally discovered some time later, a lovely time with an elder sibling and family under the pretence of Not Being Interested In Christmas Anymore.

Naturally, elder sibling was led to believe that Mum was spending Christmas alone because nobody else was interested in Poor Little Neglected Mum and they were picking up the slack from the lazy, selfish younger siblings every year.

Not trolling at all, I was going to initially apologize, as I took the revelling from the 'he won't try that again' but after your 'this poster nitpicks' comment from 2 bloody posts!

Surely your parents have each other? I’d understand if you had a parent on their own but if parents are in relationships it’s fine not to invite them for Christmas, they’re not on their own if there’s two of them!

I really don't understand the wanting to be with "my own little family" mentality at Christmas. You can do that any other weekend in the year. For me Christmas is traditions, elderly relatives, grandparents, grandchildren, cousins, friends etc. It would feel really flat if it was just the four of us.
We alternate years with my family and my husbands family and are in synch with our siblings so we can all get together alternate years, and see the other side either on Boxing Day or the weekend before, on the years we aren't with them my parents do their own thing with friends, or other relatives.
When we were growing up we did a mix of Christmas with grandparents/ family friends, but it was always a time of coming together, for me that's the key.

Both my parents and DHs parents will be on their own this (and most) years.

I'm close to my DM, but I don't think my DF would want to come and stay at Xmas. They wouldn't be able to see other family or friends, and they never invited their own parents when I was young.

DHs parents would probably come if invited, but aren't into Xmas at all and seem happy enough alone.

None of our siblings have ever invited them either.

When my kids are grown, I imagine they will spend the day without me. That seems pretty normal to me.

I honestly don't understand why people want to spend Christmas with only the people they live with. I do that every other day of the year and Christmas just wouldn't be as special without all the family and friends we spend it with.

Well, maybe other people spend the rest of the year dashing about and seeing very little of the people they live with — it’s certainly been the case for DH, DS and me these last few months — and fancy a relaxed, small-scale day together, @Dutchesss?

We are alone this year, our family all live far away so Christmas involves a week long visit.

We had all of DH's family last year, this year MIL is going to SILs. We've spent about half our Christmasses with MIL since we became parents, she has always come to us (before we had DC we went to hers) and alternated between her DC, that seems fair.

My Mum has never spent Christmas with our DC, she has been asked and always refuses (no health problems). I am the least favourite child and it's embarassing having to explain to friends and colleagues that no, my Mum isn't coming for Christmas. So don't assume 'just our little family' means people are always happy about it. I'd love my DC to be able to see their grandmother for Christmas or their birthdays but it has never happened.

We have our Christmas-day-at-home-with-just-our-little-family. I'm one of three and my parents liked having Christmas to themselves (less stress) and now DM joins one of my brothers. We've always said she's welcome here but it's not a great time of year to travel. DH is an only child and we've invited inlaws to visit but they like to have their own Christmas with friends and see us after. We found travelling to them with children and presents etc v. stressful.

Christmas should not be an obligation.

Nope. This comes from your parents and in-laws wanting to spend time with their children and grandchildren. That's not a universal feeling, and tbh it's them that are being unreasonable if they absolutely expect it and rely on this.

Lots of parents don't want the same. They want to have their own Christmas time just them OR with their friends. Both my parents and in-laws are in this category. To be honest, there are some years I'd love to have my parents or other family over but it's their prerogative not to want to. Just like it's your decision to have them. And your sister/SILs decision to not invite them.