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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:
cuteglasses · 23/12/2019 07:54

Hope this works out for you OP.
What a snivelling, horrible turd he is.

BoswellSolver · 23/12/2019 08:45

Op. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to show very clearly to your ds that you are stronger and ready to protect him!
You say you failed in the past, use this as your chance to prove that you will not be bullied, cajoled or wheedled into betraying his trust now.

Get excited to show off your ice cold inner bitch, who will take no shit.

Let him come. He is now YOUR PAWN in this thing, use him.

Shesalittlemadam · 23/12/2019 09:53

@Chaos That's not true about PSO and needing Mediation.

I got a Prohibited Steps Order without even having ex in court (he only found out about it when served papers by a Court official).

I would contact NCDV and they will arrange for a Prohibited Steps Order to be issued within 48hrs (after Xmas obviously) and it will be at no cost whatsoever as covered by Legal Aid via the Domestic Abuse provision

CornedBeef451 · 23/12/2019 21:23

Good luck whatever happens tomorrow!

allthefood · 24/12/2019 02:42

If your ex is presented with the facts and feelings, he is more likely to back off.

Luckily the courts are interested in only the best interests of child rather than the abusive parent.

justilou1 · 24/12/2019 02:59

Good grief! I love how SOME people think that abusers are likely to see logic when presented with “facts and feelings”. As if they give a shit about anything other than their immediate gratification in the moment of their own “rights”. It would be nice is everything was Disney.

Ozziewozzie · 24/12/2019 03:14

Protect your son. My daughter expressed exactly the same ref her father. I will quickly add though that he was not abusive. He was rather pushy and insistent though. He thought 5 minutes with our dd he’d be able to persuade her. However, my dd felt that 5 mins with him he’d be able to persuade her out of pressure and awkwardness. It’s far too confrontational for them. Your ds is a teen. He’s not an adult. Your ex needs to respect your ds and his decision. If he wants any hope of a decent relationship in the future, he should put in the Christmas card to your ds, I fully respect your wishes, but am here if you change your mind. Nothing would make me happier than to see you. My door will always be open for you.
Could they maybe text each other once a week?

HettySunshine · 24/12/2019 06:41

Thinking of you and your ds today op. I hope you both have a lovely quiet uninterrupted day x

Lalalalalalalalaland · 24/12/2019 07:12

Best of luck today. Heres hoping he doesn't turn up and you can enjoy your day with DS

Ceejly · 24/12/2019 07:56

Goood luck today OP, I'll be thinking of you.

Squidgoals · 24/12/2019 08:43

Good luck today OP, stay strong xxx Thanks

SkaraBrae · 24/12/2019 10:39

Thinking of you today.

BaolFan · 24/12/2019 11:04

Good luck OP.

Remember - disengage and don't respond. You owe him nothing.

Any funny business then call the police.

RandomMess · 24/12/2019 11:19

Wishing you a peaceful day Thanks

CasparMum · 24/12/2019 11:34

Stay strong OP, wishing you a peaceful day

crankysaurus · 24/12/2019 12:22

Hope you have a good, calm, enjoyable day with no drama. Brew

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 24/12/2019 12:37

Hes outside :(

He rang the doorbell a couple of times but I ignored it. As far as I can tell hes now just waiting in the car across the road and has been for about 30 mins.

I think he must keep periodically coming to the gate because the dogs keep barking but weve got the curtains drawn and are watching a movie.

I had some increasingly irate texts this morning but nothing since he arrived here.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/12/2019 12:38

Call the police if you need to. Have you a safety chain for the front door?

crankysaurus · 24/12/2019 12:42

Don't hesitate at calling the police if you need. Otherwise if you can weather it out with the film and ignoring him then do. How you're both okay. You can do this.

IdiotInDisguise · 24/12/2019 12:47

How is your DS, I hope he has found something to distract himself from this drama.

Be strong, do not open the door and block his number. No need to be dealing with a barrage of calls/texts. He knew already you were not opening the door, don’t let him intimidate you. You can deal with this! Flowers

Glovesick · 24/12/2019 12:55

Keep calm OP, maybe just phone the local police number to let them know he is outside your house lurking.

You can do this, stay strong and be proud of yourself. You have come such a long way.

If the movie isn't calming enough try something like colouring, knitting, playing [snake] on your phone, something with your hands.

Hugs Flowers

Troels · 24/12/2019 13:00

Stay strong Chaosdragon, call the police if he gets threatening at all.

Percivalthebabyspider · 24/12/2019 13:04

I'm sorry OP. He's breaching the orders and harassing you. Please don't hesitate to to call the police if needed.

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 24/12/2019 13:13

The front gate is bolted from the inside so he can't even open the gate. The front door is also locked. Theres no way in. He told me earlier that I was being ridiculous. Why would he hurt either one of us. That even if he wanted to it was not in his best interests to do so at the moment. I recognise his veiled threats when I hear them even if they phrased in such a way to make me seem as if I'm overreacting. So I have made sure I am safe.

DS seems OK. I don't think he realises hes sitting outside though.

I have spoken to the police earlier following this mornings kerfuffle so they are aware and my address is flagged if I call 999.

Hopefully XP will get bored if there is no reaction and response and go home. It will just be what he escalates to next because he will see this as me winning this battle and that will rile him beyond measure.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 24/12/2019 13:17

please do call the police again if it starts to feel uncomfortable.

But keep doing what you are doing. Don't let him get to you. You are doing the right thing.

We are dealing with similar here, so let's stay strong together.