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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell XP DS wont be seeing him?

548 replies

Chaosdragon · 15/12/2019 21:29

Background.
XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years. DS is now 15. We would disagree about the reasons for this.
He would blame me 100%. I would blame us both.
Ultimately after 2 years in court indirect contact only was ordered which XP has not done until he started sporadically 12 months ago.

He wants to see DS. DS doesn't want to see him. I, his counsellor and the school all believe he is old enough to have his wishes respected. He can articulate the reasons he doesn't want to see his dad, and they are reasonable.

XP disagrees and says he cannot respect DSs wishes until he has spent some time in his company directly and DS articulate directly to him why he doesn't want to see him. If he is old enough to have his wishes respected, he is old enough to explain them directly to XP. If he isn't mature enough for this then he isn't mature enough to make the decision.

We last disagreed over this in September and since then I have heard nothing from him, until today.

I have received a message which says ...

"I intend to be at your house on 24th December. I will have stuff for DS. Arrange for him to be in my company for hour to see if we can sort things out. This isnt an unreasonable ask. If hes as mature as you say then I am confident he can manage it"

He sends me into a complete panic. And I have spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply and then redoing it because he makes me feel unreasonable and I end up either saying too much and it becomes and essay or it becomes too short and abrasive.

AIBU to just reply ....

Feel free to drop the presents off. DS will not be available to see you.

Any better suggestions?

OP posts:
justilou1 · 19/12/2019 20:49

Dottypotter is probably the stupid grandmother....

Glovesick · 19/12/2019 21:17

@dottypotter

Imagine you were abused. Fancy a nice chat with your abuser? Maybe coffee? Can't see why not Hmm

IdiotInDisguise · 19/12/2019 21:24

Dottypoter better for him not to learn to be a dad from his dad’s behaviour. I bet the OP has surrounded her son with more positive male role models than that poor excuse of a man. Teachers, friends, coaches, uncles and grandads can do that job better than an abusive arse.

BlouseAndSkirt · 19/12/2019 23:28

@dottypotter the problem with that is that DS doesn't feel safe with his dad and so doesn't want to see him. He doesn't see why he should have to see him just because his dad wants him too. He doesn't trust me to keep him safe with his dad (and fair and super sad indictment of how much I failed him when he was younger)

XP was abusive. Mostly verbal and emotional, but occasionally physical. He has not seen DS1 for 7 years.

Are you able to say why, in the light of these posts by the OP, and others where she details the distress her son had shown over the possibility of contact , it would be a good idea for the OP to try and persuade her Ds to see his father?

MyMajesty · 20/12/2019 00:09

chaosdragon, it could be an idea to let DS know what's happened and that you have told Ex to stay away and have taken other steps to ensure safety - camera, police, dogs.
Then he'll be aware that you are doing all you can to protect him, and may be less upset if Ex does turn up.

( Talking to Ex from a window seems like a terrible idea, tho. )

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/12/2019 00:15

What will he teach his children if he dosent see his own dad

How to be a much better dad.

CraftyYankee · 20/12/2019 13:04

If this were a situation where XP has seen the error of his ways and wants to forge a connection with his son, there are far better ways to go about it. He could write a letter or an email apologizing for past behavior and leaving it to his son when/if he ever wants to initiate contact. Instead, he has informed them there will be contact and how it will happen, never mind if DS has any interest in it. As pp said, it is for XPs benefit not DSs. OP is doing brilliantly. 👍

ptumbi · 21/12/2019 10:04

What will he teach his children if he dosent see his own dad - ask yourself what he will learn if he DOES see his father? Learn how to be an abusive bully? Continue the Cycle of Abuse? I really hope you don't have children, if you are willing to ignore their Mental health, their self-esteem, their wishes - to enable and appease a bully.

OP - his next step is likely to be 'flying Monkeys'. Most prob his mother who will have a change of heart, apologise for acting 'in the heat of the moment' and will come back wheedling, crying, asking for contact with DS at Christmas at yours, which will change to 'can I see DS at mine just for a few hours...'

BaolFan · 22/12/2019 08:16

Dottypotter is a cracking example of someone who is determined to rush in and share their opinion, regardless of whether it's A) relevant, and B) appropriate.

SuperMeerkat · 22/12/2019 08:56

Just don’t answer the door. If DS chooses to answer the door it’s up to him but don’t you do it. I have similar issues with my ex and this sort of thing works.

justilou1 · 22/12/2019 09:51

I know you have a few more days, and the anxiety might be creeping up. Just wanted to let you know we’re here. X

Newschapter · 22/12/2019 10:47

@Chaosdragon

Hope all is OK.

I just wanted to urge you to stay strong and do not let your ex get to you or think he can dictate.

My sister was with a man like this. She let her children down time after time by forcing them to see their bully of a father.

Her eldest said he couldn't trust her to protect him and he still has trust issues in regard to her. He has a DD of his own and hardly ever brings her to visit his mum as he doesn't feel she had his best interests at heart growing up, so how would she protect his daughter.

Just make sure your boy is number one - your ex obviously still has a hold on you. Have you had any counselling yourself or ever thought about the freedom programme?

Dieu · 22/12/2019 11:01

Sorry, but I agree with your ex.
This is a conversation between father and son, that has to happen sometime. If your ex is presented with the facts and feelings, he is more likely to back off. Until then, he won't. I do believe that both should have their say.

SmileyGiraffe · 22/12/2019 11:16

Fuck off with that shite. The vermin OP has to deal with has no rights and wont just leave it if DS has to meet him.

Newschapter · 22/12/2019 11:20

Dieu - you're so wrong. It never has to happen.

justilou1 · 22/12/2019 11:28

Dieu - you’re an idiot. Even the courts think he can’t be trusted.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 22/12/2019 11:39

Sorry, but I agree with your ex.
This is a conversation between father and son, that has to happen sometime. If your ex is presented with the facts and feelings, he is more likely to back off.

You’re either an extremely manipulative person or you’ve never encountered one. Or you haven’t read the thread.

No-one who has experienced the sort of behaviour described by the OP, in his texts alone, would advise this child be made to see this man.

MsChnandlerBong · 22/12/2019 11:43

Sorry, but I agree with your ex.
This is a conversation between father and son, that has to happen sometime. If your ex is presented with the facts and feelings, he is more likely to back off

What a fucking idiotic post Angry I really hope OP ignores bullshit posts like that. I've no words.

Percivalthebabyspider · 22/12/2019 12:05

Oh OP, I'm in tears reading this. That bullying aggressive tone then 'reasonable and rational 'concerned for you' tone is my abusive ex to a T. And the grandmother is the same as my ex's mum.

Do not let him near you or your son. Do not open doors or windows and don't hesitate to call the police.

I really hope he doesn't show and that you are ok.

Footle · 22/12/2019 12:53

@dottypotter, have you thought what he will teach his own children if he does use his abusive father as a role model?

NeverTwerkNaked · 22/12/2019 13:12

Abusers gaslight and deny and project. There is no point, no benefit, to encouraging the son to have the conversation with his father. The son owes his father nothing. As I say to my son "you are the child, all that matters is what feels right for you". Keep doing what you are doing Op. Thinking of you at Christmas time.

MzHz · 22/12/2019 13:14

If your ex is presented with the facts and feelings, he is more likely to back off.

@dieu, with as much respect as I can find, you’re an idiot

You clearly know nothing about abusers, so it would make REALLY good sense NOT to trouble yourself with threads that are completely beyond your comprehension

I will say though that if you ARE genuinely this naive, good for you, you’ve led a blessed life

You’d be far happier over on Netmums or some inane chat forum about fluff and love island or something

Or as I suspect, just stick to the MRA threads where you’ll at least keep others of similar delusion busy and therefore away from us normal and acceptable people.

Abusers don’t listen to anyone unless they are made to.

MsChnandlerBong · 22/12/2019 13:57

Well bloody said MzHz.

Hope you're ok OP.

BaolFan · 22/12/2019 14:11

Sorry, but I agree with your ex. This is a conversation between father and son, that has to happen sometime
Court papers say otherwise.

If your ex is presented with the facts and feelings, he is more likely to back off
Seems unlikely. There are court papers detailing exactly why he only has indirect contact which he is happy to ignore.

Until then, he won't. I do believe that both should have their say.
Well the court disagrees with you. Her Ex is abusive and the court has recognised this by ruling the way it did.

Original poster
Chaosdragon · 22/12/2019 15:32

Sorry didnt realise the thread was still having new posts as it disappeared on my threads you are on.

Everything is quite. Haven't heard any more off him or his mum. Have installed the camera and can't decide if I'm ready for him to turn up or not! I veer wildly between feeling capable and a complete mess. We've been out the last few days though with various stuff so I've not had much time to think which is probably a blessing. I've got this though. I have.

Dotty & Dieu DS can talk to him if he wants to. The issue is that DS doesn't want to. Will he ever change his mind? I don't know. But it certainly won't be changed by XP coming in and demanding that stuff is done his way regardless of how DS feels about it.

OP posts:
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