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AIBU?

To get upset at husband for his past

178 replies

Pep89 · 15/12/2019 19:41

I'm almost certain I am being unreasonable here but, even knowing that, I still feel upset and I'm not even sure why.

My husband and I were chatting after bedroom time and I said that I'd maybe want to try something in the near future and, even though we've talked about this certain thing before, this time he told me that he had done it with a previous girlfriend. We've been together for 10 years and I feel almost betrayed even though this happened before he even knew me. I don't know if I'm jealous or upset that he's only just told me. I just know that I'm upset about it and I don't know why?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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ferrier · 15/12/2019 20:12

OK ... cross post - so it's been mentioned before and he hasn't said anything. So is there something different about the way it has been raised as a possibility just recently?

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Dizzygirl00 · 15/12/2019 20:12

Bedroom time 😂

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PositiveVibez · 15/12/2019 20:12

'bedroom time' 🤮😂

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ferrier · 15/12/2019 20:16

And just reading a bit more (sorry, being a bit dozy tonight), so before you've sounded interested but not said 'let's do it'. This time you've said 'let's do it'.
Is dh equally keen (surely he would have taken the matter further the first time it was raised if he is keen)?
Now it seems to be on the agenda he feels you should know he's done it (whatever it is) before.
If this is the situation I wouldn't get too hung up about it. But I would make sure he really is happy to do it.

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ohwheniknow · 15/12/2019 20:17

I took bedroom time to mean you were sitting in pyjamas and nightcaps chatting to each other from your twin beds.

Can you please either supply a translation guide or write in plain English instead of code?

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codenameduchess · 15/12/2019 20:17

So, you've been talking about trying anal something for 10 years, and he's just now said he's already done it? Yabu got talking about it for 10 years.

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TitsInAbsentia · 15/12/2019 20:17

He clearly had a bad experience with swinging in the past so I think yabu for asking him to try again

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Myoldtable · 15/12/2019 20:18

Whatever it is has become less special & exciting now you know he has done it with a previous partner. He could have spared you that information.

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PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 15/12/2019 20:22

I totally get you now OP. YANBU.

I’m sorry you’re getting a rubbing, “bedroom time” has cheered me right up tho, thank you.

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Garlicinyoursoul · 15/12/2019 20:23

But weird of him to mention having done it before right after having sex with you.
You’d surely just say ‘Yeah, let’s try it!’ Not, ‘Oh yeah I’ve done that with my ex!’

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SeeingThePyramids · 15/12/2019 20:23

Name changed for this 🤭

I kind of get why he hasn’t made this clear before. For whatever reason he now feels comfortable or compelled to admit that he has done it.

When me and my husband first met, during “bedroom time” chats it transpired that he was quite into prostate play...
I don’t really know why but I would have felt awkward admitting that actually I had done it before so had no probs (autocorrect changed that to “probes” lollll) with it.
So because I felt like maybe it would cause him to judge me or make me seem over experienced, I indirectly let him think I’d never done anything of that sort.

Five years later if he asked me about those types of things directly I’d probably be more open (depending on the thing!!!)

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PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 15/12/2019 20:25

*you’re getting a RIBBING

jeez it gets worse

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LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 15/12/2019 20:29

Just asked DH to remind me if he's seen the pyramids (because I haven't), he said yeah remember I told you I went with ex , it was shit, smaller than you'd think, and grotty, rubbish everywhere absolutely no point repeating the experience and you'd only moan about it anyway. He doesn't understand why I can't stop laughing 😂

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Garlicinyoursoul · 15/12/2019 20:30

Ah, you’re more upset he didn’t just say that when it was first mentioned! I see, yes I’d be a bit deflated after thinking It’d be a special experience for you both, but actually somebody else has already been there and seen that pyramid.

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Needtochangemymindset · 15/12/2019 20:32

Bedroom time?? That's made me smile. Do you mean (I'll whisper) sex?!

I bet you're talking anal aren't you?

Its really not that uncommon, loads of men and women have done it and its really not an experience you need to be upset about him experiencing before.

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puds11 · 15/12/2019 20:35

@Needto wash your mouth out! It’s called bedroom time!

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ILearnedItFromABook · 15/12/2019 20:36

I don't think you're unreasonable to be a bit shocked, sad, or disappointed that he's apparently "lied by omission" about something from his past.

Without knowing the particulars, it's hard to say, but maybe he was embarrassed to talk about it before. Or could it be that he was afraid you'd think differently of him or be jealous if he'd told you about it?

It could be that he feels more comfortable with you now, after all this time, and is willing to open up to you more than he would have when the relationship was new... but ten years is a long time. It depends on what the topic is and how often it's come up over the years.

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WiseUpJanetWeiss · 15/12/2019 20:41

Just asked DH to remind me if he's seen the pyramids (because I haven't), he said yeah remember I told you I went with ex , it was shit, smaller than you'd think, and grotty, rubbish everywhere absolutely no point repeating the experience and you'd only moan about it anyway. He doesn't understand why I can't stop laughing

Priceless!

We don’t have bedroom time. As Flight of the Conchords fans we call it business time and make sure we’ve put the recycling out first.

Sorry OP, this thread has properly cheered me up at your expense.

YANBU for feeling put out and disappointed and a bit weirded out having to think about him with his ex. You feel how you feel. But I think YWBU to be angry with him.

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MotherOfWren · 15/12/2019 20:45

@wiseupjanetweiss

You already know what time it is, it's business time.... 😅😅

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UnaCorda · 15/12/2019 20:47

You'd get more useful answers if you could be a bit less coy.

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hauntedvagina · 15/12/2019 20:53

In Chandler and Monica terms, is it the thing we hardly ever do or the thing we never do

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Fanlights · 15/12/2019 20:53

It’s never occurred to me to go through a checklist of sex acts with previous partners. Honestly, OP, are you upset that your husband has penetrated someone else, long before he met you, via the more usual channels?

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Igotthemheavyboobs · 15/12/2019 20:54

Omg just tell us what it is!

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JonSlow · 15/12/2019 20:55

Is it the thing that Bridget Jones describes as “What you just did is illegal in some countries”?!

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OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/12/2019 20:57

Actually I dont think you're being unreasonable. If youd been off with him or had a go at him then yeah. But it sounds like you've discussed this thing before and he has waited for ages but only mentioned it now? If so, then you cant exactly help how you feel. I guess I'd feel a bit silly if I'd mentioned it a few times as something we were going to experience together and he gave me the impression it was going to be the first time for both of us, and then actually after a few years he admitted he had already done it. Also, obviously everyone has a past but realistically no one likes thinking about their current partner with their ex partners in too much detail, and knowing a specific act just kind of conjours up graphic images in your mind sometimes.

So YANBU to have feelings, ywbu to act on them other than to ask why he never mentioned before every time you've both talked about it

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