Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 14/12/2019 16:32

beautifulstranger I'm 59 now. I hope I shall be fit enough to drive 4 hours when I'm 69. My mother is 83 and can still drive 100 miles A four hour drive isn't that long - 220 miles - not exactly London to Scotland or the South of France and I do the latter with an overnight stop.

beautifulstranger101 · 14/12/2019 16:34

@ohtheroses thats great- good for you and your mother. But that doesnt mean everyone else is comfortable driving all that way and it doesnt mean a stomach bug wouldn't hit your mother very hard at age 83.
An 8 hour round trip IS long no matter which way you look at it.

BarbedBloom · 14/12/2019 16:35

YABU. 4 hours is a long way and surely you should be expecting your father and FIL to help too. It is your husband who should be stepping up here. I wouldn't look after someone's ill child a week before Christmas either and this time of year is very busy. I have something on tonight and tomorrow.

FruitcakeOfHate · 14/12/2019 16:35

My father is 83 and though he has no health conditions other than hypertension, he wouldn't feel comfortable driving 8 hours back and forth and no longer does. I'm glad because his reaction time isn't as good anymore.

It's different for everyone but because 1 person is fine with it, doesn't mean everyone is.

Hmm
LonginesPrime · 14/12/2019 16:37

I hope I shall be fit enough to drive 4 hours when I'm 69

The ask here, though, is that you drop the plans you've made with your friends just before Christmas at a moment's notice to care for your grandchild, when you've already told your DD that you don't want to.

It's not about the driving or about what other grandparents do willingly - this is about compelling a grandparent to help when they've said they don't want to.

Span1elsRock · 14/12/2019 16:37

Your DH needs a kick up the arse OP for not helping more, not your Mum.

I'm a grandmother to 4, and being honest, I'm exhausted by them as much as I adore them. When they are ill, I actively avoid contact until they are well again as they get over a virus in days - for me it can take weeks.

Make sure you're not giving dairy foods, and keep to gentle easy foods for her to digest. She'll bounce back, and at least it's before Christmas not during. Hope she's better soon.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/12/2019 16:37

4 hours away? I thought I was pushing it asking for help sometimes with gp 15 mins away.

scunner · 14/12/2019 16:41

I am considered a good granny, but at this time of year I honestly would worry about catching the bug and passing it on to my husband.
I would also be anxious at driving an eight hour round trip unless it was an emergency .

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2019 16:42

Odd that no one with a penis is expected to do any (grand)parenting.

aHintOfPercy · 14/12/2019 16:43

How would you feel if your mother came to help and was sick for 2 weeks over Christmas? I know it's rough OP but you're getting annoyed with the wrong person - the child's father needs to do some parenting.

And the GP who said they'd always help their child - really?! You'd happily risk being sick over Christmas and potentially pass it on to who knows how many others?

hiredandsqueak · 14/12/2019 16:44

Tbh I will help my dd all I can but I would stay away if there was a sickness bug in the house this close to Christmas and tbh my dd wouldn't expect me to risk picking up a bug that could pass through the house so close to Christmas. I understand it's tough, I well remember my four coming down with Norovirus one after the other but if you need help then the first port of call should be your husband and the child's father.

Elbeagle · 14/12/2019 16:44

MrsTerryPratchett my mum works full time and my dad is retired so he gets called upon to help out far more than she does!

sendmotivation · 14/12/2019 16:46

I feel for you, it is tough when little ones are ill, especially when it's prolonged!
I think some of the responses are a little harsh, it can be frustrating when you need a break, and I think we tend to forget those times ourselves as our children grow.

Unfortunately, your mother isn't obligated to do anything - and trust me I really understand - my mother tells everyone how she's constantly looking after my DC, to the point I had one of her friends contact me to ask me to stop 'putting so much on my mothers plate' (my child has not been away from me for longer than 4 hours in 2 years, I'm a SAHM and we visit my parents twice a month, I think I'm used as an excuse a lot)

I would definitely ask your partner to help out as much as he can, even just to give you a break to have a relaxing bath or Netflix-downtime of an evening. Hope the illness clears soon and you feel a bit less stressed Thanks

user1497207191 · 14/12/2019 16:47

YABU

YABU. We had absolutely no help with our DS at all, who was likewise a very poor sleeper and had a late diagnosed dairy intolerance. We didn't even have anyone to babysit, not even for an hour let alone an evening. My MIL and OH's parents were all poorly (MIL and F both died in our son's first two years of life due to NHS foul ups). So not only did they all have their own problems, we had to help out with them as well as having a new baby. In a perfect world, yes, help would be nice, but other people have their own lives too. Being a parent is all about looking after your own child - nice to help help, but not an obligation on the part of your nearest and dearest.

Boots20 · 14/12/2019 16:47

I've 3 kids one with ASD and not one of their grandparents have ever helped me with any of them, I admit it was so frustrating when they were small but now they are all school age and I'm proud to say I managed through all the bugs/flus/tantrums etc, we never got to have date nights like alot of parents are blessed to have and we had to take turns running to doctors appts etc with them but hey ho we chose to be parents and my mum was a single parent and done everything on her own so I don't expect her to be running round after children again at this stage of life, but I get it Op a helping hand from a grandparent would be lovely but it's not something I would kick up a fuss about

GlitchStitch · 14/12/2019 16:47

YABU. My DD has been ill for about 4 weeks now with various bugs. She's barely been at school and I'm exhausted, also have another DC with SN and health problems of my own. But I still said no when the grandparents offered to come and help, I really don't want them to get unwell from it too. And I'm not someone who thinks nobody should ever expect any help, I just think in these circumstances illness should be inflicted on as few people as possible, especially those who are older.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 14/12/2019 16:49

YABU - For heaven's sake! What do you think single parents do? How do you think that women (or indeed, men) with several children cope, juggling jobs and childcare and illness?

This is you DD - and your responsibility.

I don't doubt that if this was something serious your DM and MIL would be there in a heartbeat - this is a run-of-the mill infection; unpleasant but not life-threatening. Why risk other people's health as well?

We've all been there, coping with a baby that doesn't sleep - and, you're right - it isn't easy, but it's part of being a parent.

Sorry OP, but you AB very U to demand that others pick up the slack for you.

billy1966 · 14/12/2019 16:49

OP, if your mother lived close by she could pop in an support and might get away with not picking up what your child has.

Coming to stay, she might indeed catch it.
Not fun for your Mum.

I do think 4 hours is a hell of a drive.

I think your husband should be doing more, considering you work 4 days and this is going on 2 weeks.

He certainly is no prize, is he.

Think on about having anymore children with someone who is so hands off.

2 child is more like three times the work of 1, and so on.

You need to speak to your husband.

Perhaps your mother feels you need to too.

I do feel very sorry for you though. Sick children can be shattering.

💐

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/12/2019 16:50

If your child isn't a good sleeper & you aren't managing well perhaps try sleep training when she is well, or getting a sleep consultant. Waking 12 times a night suggests she has never learned to fall asleep without your help. Everything always seems worse when you are tired.

While it sounds tough OP it's well within the range of normal and not your mum's job to step in and help you parent.

ItsNearlyMorning · 14/12/2019 16:51

YABVU !!!
My youngest DC who is almost 11 is severely disabled and needs 24/7 care , so I'm often ( always) seriously exhausted and run down ) but I would never dream of asking or expecting a family member to drop everything and help me out.
I chose to have DC , they are our responsibility and it's not grandparents or other family members job to help me because having a poorly kid is exhausting.
You sound very entitled!

FruitcakeOfHate · 14/12/2019 16:52

I would definitely ask your partner to help out as much as he can, even just to give you a break to have a relaxing bath or Netflix-downtime of an evening. Hope the illness clears soon and you feel a bit less stressed thanks

Ask the one with the penis to 'help out' to 'give you a break'? Why do women enable men like this, much less procreate with them?! They both work! It's their joint responsibility to parent their children, but nah, ask nicely for 'help' and 'a break' because parenting is women's work.

Mashedpotatoislivinginmyhouse · 14/12/2019 16:53

Yabu. As annoying as it is my parents won't help out if ds has sickness and diarrhoea as they don't want to catch it which is fair enough

Drum2018 · 14/12/2019 16:53

I agree with the majority. You are being massively unreasonable. Surely you understand that your mother wouldn't want to come to your house when your dc has a bug and you shouldn't have asked her to. Your Dh needs to step up and should have taken a couple of days off.

RedDiamond · 14/12/2019 16:53

Couldn't the person who looks after her while you work help out?

managedmis · 14/12/2019 16:53

I agree, op, it's tough when no-one wants to help out at all.

Of course they're not obliged, but it would-be nice.

We have 2 young dc's and very, very rarely have an offer of help. It sucks.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.