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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
theweebleshavelanded · 14/12/2019 15:47

your child, not your mam`s. yabvvu to "expect" help from someone that lives 4 hrs away!

katy1213 · 14/12/2019 15:47

Four hours drive - to catch your kid's bug? You must be joking. This is what happens when you have children: you're the grown-up holding the sick-bucket.

Original poster
DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:47

She was very helpful in the past and I feel like something has changed - she doesn't seem interested any more. Maybe the novelty has worn off. And no I wasn't ungrateful when she helped we have always been so close and I feel like she's distancing herself and I don't know why. I think this is why it's upsetting me.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 14/12/2019 15:48

Maybe she doesn't want to catch the bug.

AiryFairyMum · 14/12/2019 15:49

Maybe you took her for granted and she's sick of it?

Tonz · 14/12/2019 15:49

I wouldn’t expect my mum to drive 4 hours to help with a child with a sickness bug. Sickness is part of parenting I’m afraid

knittedgoldfish · 14/12/2019 15:49

It could be the bug, it could be that you've been expecting too much of her.

ConkerGame · 14/12/2019 15:50

Hmm OP I think you are being unreasonable. I adore my nephews and love spending time with them but have no desire to spend days looking after them when they’re ill. And tbh I’d be really annoyed with SIL if she expected that of me. That’s literally the job of a parent - to look after their children! Yes it’s a tough period, there are likely to be a few of those over the next 18 years so maybe try to get used to it!

Lulualla · 14/12/2019 15:51

What sort of help though? Maybe it's not that the novelty has warn off but just that she simply cant put in the much work anymore. Most new mums get loads of help at the start but then it starts to tail off, because your family expect you to have started to get used to it. It's time for you to step up and do it yourself, and dont expect everyone else to help you. If the help comes then that's great, but your mum probably feels that she help you at the start but now it's time to find your feet.

Murraygoldberg · 14/12/2019 15:51

I agree you are unreasonable. If anyone should be helping it is your child's father. I would be pretty pissed off if I was expected to drive 4 hours, expose myself to germs and miss out on my social life at one of the busiest times of the year when the child's own father couldn't be arsed stepping up

PleaseGiveMeAShake · 14/12/2019 15:51

Yabvu.
If your mum was to catch your dd's bug it will take her just as long as your dd takes to get well again.
If you catch the bug it won't be as extreme.
It's exhausting when a child is sick but it's just part of parenting.

1Morewineplease · 14/12/2019 15:51

You’ve said that, in the passed, she has been really helpful but , for the last two occasions she said no.
Do you usually ask her a lot? Has your mum maybe got a bit fed up with it, seeing as it’s such a long drive?
Maybe get your husband to take some time off.

You cannot expect help from parents particularly if they live so far away.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/12/2019 15:52

YABVU, do you seriously expect her to drive four hours to look after a child with a stomach bug when you are home yourself?

I never get why people have children then expect others to look after them. It’s no one else’s responsibility bar the parents.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 14/12/2019 15:52

Your mother is obviously much older than you. She may be as fit as a flea, but getting older makes you slow down and be unable to do as much as you once good.

Driving four hours will be exhausting, as well as dealing with the possibility of contracting the bug. It’s harder for older people to overcome these things.

Your mother is entitled to her life and she has plans. Would you drop your plans at the last minute. You have one child. You’re not trying to split yourself between two or more children. You aren’t ill, so you can just chill out with your child if necessary. Plenty of people have husbands and partners who work long hours. At least he’ll be home later and not away overnight.

Perhaps she feels put upon and is trying to let you know that without actually telling you bluntly.

GretaBritain · 14/12/2019 15:53

I would not expect anyone to drive four hours to potentially catch a bug from my daughter.

I understand it's tough right now but it is your husband you need to look to for help. If this is really not possible then you need to power through this until your daughter is fully well.

It's hard. I've been there. I'm a single parent of two and you have to draw on your own resources during the tough times. You can't expect anyone, even your Mum, to help if they don't want to or can't

KrampusTime · 14/12/2019 15:53

You have ONE child. And you want your mother who lives 4 hours away to come and help with a tummy bug?

Sorry OP, I'm sure you're tired but you're being a bit ridiculous. Of course your DM doesn't have to cancel her own social plans to travel 4 hours to help with a tummy bug.

user1471449295 · 14/12/2019 15:53

You wanted your mum to drive 4 hours, expose herself to a tummy bug, and drive 4 hours back when she’s done helping you? YABVVU.

When your kids are sick with a contagious bug you have to contain it as much as possible. Sucks I know, but we all have to get on with it.

My mum lives a 10 min drive but I would never ask for help with sick DC. In fact I’d actively discourage her from coming round. It’s not fair to expose illness.

cptartapp · 14/12/2019 15:54

What on earth do you need 'help' with for one child. Sick or not. You're not even juggling work. Never heard anything so ridiculous. And your DM lives four hours away! YABU.

fedup21 · 14/12/2019 15:54

I would imagine she doesn’t want to get the bug the week before Christmas!

Clymene · 14/12/2019 15:54

I wouldn't drive hours to look after a kid with D&V either I'm afraid, especially not just before Xmas.

I'm sorry, it sounds miserable

Fairenuff · 14/12/2019 15:55

You're probably just tired. Have a duvet day with your dd and hopefully you'll both get some rest.

MintyMabel · 14/12/2019 15:55

Four hours?

This is a wind up surely? You are annoyed because your mum won’t drive 4 hours to look after a pukey baby because you are tired?

twins2019 · 14/12/2019 15:56

Sorry OP you are getting a battering and I hate to pile in....but you have ONE poorly child.

I have 4 children including 9 month old twins, in the last 6 weeks all 4 have been sick on and off, including 2 trips to out of ours doctors for the little ones. I've now also got the lurgy, one of the twins is still sick and DH is away for the weekend. He regularly works 7-7 pretty much 6 days of the week as he is self employed.

No one is going to volunteer to care for your sick kids. It's a lot different coming and helping snuggle / support you with your first newborn.

The more babies you have, understandably, the less help you get.

I'm currently still on mat leave but go back
To work in the new year. We've got a nanny lined up precisely because of the need for that pair of hands to look after our kiddies in the event they are too poorly for nursery etc which is so common at this time of year and when they first start at nursery.

I hope your daughter feels better soon, and I'm sorry to say it welcome to working motherhood - it's a rough ride and you are largely going solo.

Chattybum · 14/12/2019 15:57

YABU. You are in this for the long haul, may as well find a way to cope sooner rather than later. Your mum has served her time nursing sick children. She probably was looking forward to the nice stuff (cinema, park, Father Christmas etc) and then handing her grandchild back!

Original poster
DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:58

She hasn't actually been to visit us for six months. We always go to her, probably once a month so it's not as though she is always doing loads.

I accept though in the context of DC being unwell IABU. I think she should have offed some more emotional support though.

OP posts:
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