Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

Should they do more to help out with a child they didn’t choose to have?

Hmmmm

No.

Hi

I think some of the replies are a bit harsh on here. Yes the grandparents have done their child rearing...but you're not asking them to raise them, just help when you're on your knees with tiredness.

And yes you do expect hard times when you're a parent, but that doesn't mean it's not a struggle when they have been up 12 times a night for a couple of weeks.

I really think your husband needs to step up. There will become a point where you get so tired that it's not safe or you get really ill yourself.

Saying all that, I do ask for help sometimes from my parents, but I never ask them when it's a sickness bug as they are now in their 70s and I dont want them to have to deal with being ill themselves. So I do think it's asking a LOT to expect her to offer to drive 4 hours to pick up a 2 week sick bug 10 days before Christmas...it could ruin the whole festive period for her.

YABU- one child unwell and you’re (I assume) off work to deal with it. Imagine mother’s who have more than one child unwell at the same time 🙈

If you’re unable to cope your DH should either swap with you or call in unwell to be with you. Your DM isn’t obliged to take time out to help (keep your company). It’s the run up to Christmas - she probably is busy and it’s not her child!!!!

Maybe she's changed because she's getting older and she finds it harder? My parents don't do as much as they used to but I wouldn't ask it of them, they're entitled to slow down a bit as they age. And I actively avoid them when the kids have D&V because they're bound to catch it and I'd feel awful.

Honestly, one sick clingy child really isn't that difficult.

YABVVVVVU.

YABVVU there's not a cat in hell's chance that when I'm a grandmother that I will be doing a 4hr drive to help out my kids when their kids have d&v. Especially not this close to Christmas.

I know how exhausting poorly children are. I had 2 in 2 different hospitals, 30miles apart, a husband a 16hr flight away (for 4 months) and everyone was too busy to help me, apart from my best mate. I got through it, just like you will too.

I hope she's better soon.

I would try very hard not to expose anyone to d&v especially at such a busy time of yr.

It's hard, you will be very bored but you dont NEED help. Other than breaking up your day a bit what can your mum do?

The key issue here is your DH working away, when you WoH too and have no local family support. Puts a lot onto you, while he is facilitated to be a parent bur continue to work as though he had no DC. Between the two of you to resolve.

Once a month is way too often to travel 4 hours to visit your mum when you have a 1yo and work 4 days a week and DH working away.

YABVU OP, welcome to parenthood. In what way do you want her to help? You are at home with the baby, who is clingy and probably wants you? Are you expecting her to stay and get up in the night to let you sleep, do housework/cooking?

You say you feel she isn't as interested any more, but what you are describing is a very standard part of parenting and as a grandparent it would not even occur to me to drive 4 hours just because my grandchild had a very common D&V bug. I would assume that between both able bodied parents they would be able to manage. It was great that she helped out so much when she was a newborn, but please do not expect that as a given.

Maybe she thinks your H needs to step up to the plate and she's growing tired of your attitude towards her expecting her to do parenting when your H appears to be getting off the hook.

YABU, it's life when you're a parent. I'm a single mum, I have to deal on my own when DS is ill, you just have to plod along.

Is your H sharing the parenting at night (when he’s home)?

She's already raised her kid. She's done the sickness bugs and the tiredness and all that. If she doesn't want to do it then she doesn't need to.
If you're getting tired and need a day off then your husband should use annual leave or parental leave.

This ^
I know it's hard when you are tired and your LO is grumpy, but it is just a part of being a parent I'm afraid.
YABU to expect someone to drive 4 hours to look after a poorly baby.
Maybe your dh should step up and book a day off?

YABVVVU They've done their parenting. Don't be so entitled

Your child. Your responsibility.

She won’t want to pick up a sickness bug and I really don’t blame her for staying away. You sound entitled.

Nobody wants to run the risk of catching a persistent sickness and diarrhoea bug if they can help it - especially if they are of more senior years.

YAB a bit U - sorry.

I think YABU but it's probably because you're exhausted. I wouldn't want to look after a child with D&V and expose myself to it. It's not her responsibility either. You have to assume when you have children that it'll be you and your husband doing all of the caring. Anything else is a bonus, because it was your choice to have a child, not anyone else's. Just try to rest as much as possible, try to relax about the situation because there's really nothing more you can do to change it.

Grandparents have lives too. It’s great that she helped you after the birth, but what have you done since then to facilitate a relationship between her and her grandchild? Do you do an 8 hour round journey to see your mum or is it all one way? This time of the year she probably does have commitments that she doesn’t want to renege on, would you travel 4 hours to see her in December if she was laid low with D and V? The issue here is your husband and his unavailability, not that of your wider family.

YBVU to ask anyone to come help when a child has a sickness bug, especially in the run up to Christmas. It's hard OP but it's just on the parents when this happens. It will get easier but if you're strugglingahbe leave it at 1 kid.

These threads never go down too well. You come across a bit entitled. What about the single parents? Or the ones will multiple children and no grandparents, or those that have lost them.
Life sucks sometimes. But the illness won't last forever. Get some rest and take it as easy as you can. It's also selfish to expect your mum to help when your child has a bad bug like that.

Does MIL live nearer, could she help a bit?

Your DM has raised one very entitled child

I do feel for you op. It’s pretty miserable being stuck inside with an ill child. You really can’t expect your mum to expose herself to a highly contagious bug though, especially not this close to Christmas.

Mumsnet. The place where you have to struggle and be a martyr 24/7. Yawn.

I think she should have offed some more emotional support though
Once married with DC it is your spouse you need support from.
I get he works away but surely he needs to help out more especially if DD has a 2 week bug. He'd have to if you were hospitalised. He is getting off parenting work or not.

I feel for you, you have a sick child, it's been 2 weeks, you're exhausted.

But YABU.

Why isn't your H taking some annual leave or parental leave if you need a break?

I take it you're not planning on having any more children as you're struggling so much with just the one?

I think your H needs to step up here, not your mum.