Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

Why doesn't your dh do more to parent HIS child?
He needs to stop working such long hours and be a proper father.
Why is it your mum and Mil 's responsibilty? You make no mention of you dad or fil.
I understand it 's hard but expecting someone to drive 4 hours in those circumstances is unreasonable.

It’s not about struggling and being a martyr PepePig, it’s about not exposing someone to a nasty sickness bug 10 days before Christmas (and asking them to do an 8 hour round trip for the privilege). I get lots of help from my parents, but wouldn’t ask them to help in this scenario.
Anyway it sounds like the OP has deeper issues than this one, and this is just a manifestation of overall sadness/disappointment.

Your child....your responsibility I’m afraid.
Easy when you only have one although seeing them poorly is tough it’s part of parenting!
Your expectations on grandparents is huge, 4 hours, before Christmas to catch a nasty bug? Really?

YABU! Your mother has done her bit raising you and she is more then entitled to say no to cancel her plans and travel 4 hours to help you mop up your childs sick. Welcome to parenthood OP we all struggle with things like this and most of us just get on with it. Hope your dd gets better soon.

I'm sorry OP but I think YABU. Of course, it would be lovely for her to come and help out and if she did it would be great. BUT, its her choice and she is not obliged to help with your child. I do think the expectation on grandparents is a lot these days. (Both my parents are dead so I never had the chance for them to help out). But I see a lot of really knackered looking, very very old grandparents wearily pushing kids to and from school (sometimes daily!) and some of them look as if they're about to drop. I do think when you are retired its time to relax and have a rest. JMO anyway.

Anyone else thinking it's a massive coincidence that the H has to work every day from 7am to 9pm and weekends when his child is sick convenient for him.

I wouldn’t expect anyone to make such a long trip to help out, especially at this time of year when pretty much everyone has stuff on.

You feel bad about being snippy as deep down you know you’re unreasonable but you’re tired n fed up so it’s understandable.

YABU (and then some)

My grandson got a sickness and diarrhoea bug. He gave it to his mum his cousin and his aunt they had it for 48 hrs I had it for a week. Probably because I am older. Please keep your germs to yourself us oldies take longer to get over it.

OP... MN loves to say gps have no responsibilities at all. In fact, once a kid is 18 (and sometimes before) parenting is done, they should move out or at least pay you rent.
But ya! Im with you. I hope to god my kid would know if he needed me, Id come. Your mom doesnt 'owe' you help. You cant call soc services on her. But if you have anything approaching a healthy relationship, you are justified in feeling v disappointed.

These threads always amaze me . Does no one have parents who help out with babysitting or help when there is illness ? Most of my friends are grannies and we all do what we can to help and I really didn’t think that was unusual !
Having said that , a 4 hour drive is a lot to expect .
What about your MIL?

I dont know op. A 4 hour hour drive to possibly catch a stomach bug followed by a 4 hour drive back? I'm thinking you're being a little bit unreasonable? Maybe you could ask your husband to take a days holiday to help you out?

Childrearing was your choice.

Parenthood is like the foreign legion.
Once you sign up, i'm afraid you have to carry on.

I don’t even need to RTFT to know that Mumsnet insists on AIBU that your child is your responsibility and asking anyone else for help ever is deemed selfish. Usually in conclusion posters will throw in a bit of a mean comment to make themselves feel better bullying a new Mum online who is quite clearly struggling on her own without any support from her DH or family. I’m surprised they haven’t told you to LTB yet!

I can’t imagine how the interrupted sleep and not being able to go to any socialisation while your daughter is ill must feel OP. If you get through this you’ll have a whole new found strength, and you’ve learned you can’t rely on your Mum in future for support, and it’s better to learn that now than further down the line.

When you say your mother doesn’t work, @DressedAs, is that because she’s retired? How old is she?

If she lived locally, I’d have more sympathy. But she lives a 4 hour drive away; assuming you’re in the UK, the weather is PISH at the moment, and she would risk catching a bug from your kid just in time for Xmas.

YABU.

I think the op has taken a lot of stick here. She has confirmed she works 4 days a week.

DS was a very poorly baby; DH was working his socks off - big career. I had to give up work because I had neither a mother nor MIL who were prepared to help. Neither worked and they were younger than I am now - 59. One was two hours away, one four. Lots of my friends had parents at similar distances who were happy to help.

I don't think the op is being that unreasonable. My dc are grown up now and providing I am fit enough to help them, I certainly shall when the time comes. I cannot believe I wouldn't drive four hours to my dd, cook dinner, do a bit of ironing andctake the baby for a walk/coffee to give dd a chance for a sleep. That's what being a parent is about. I didn't ave it but my dc jolly well shall providing I am fit.

Sorry but YABU, your husband need to do more, not the grandparents.

YABU.

I get that it's hard when a DC is poorly. But she's your DC, not your DM's. Your DM has no obligation to help and she lives a long way away.

Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

It sounds like you don't respect her and are judging her lifestyle decisions based on your own values and wants. She's perfectly entitled to meet her friends and do chores - it's her life she's living!

She doesn't need to give you excuses and it doesn't matter whether you think they're true or not. Some grandparents aren't that involved and that's their choice.

Four hours’ drive is a very long way, and with Christmas approaching, a lot of people will have things on and not be able to drop things. I think it’s very unreasonable to ask in those circumstances. My parents live three hours away and it would never have been possible for them to help out like that. Visits had to be planned quite a bit in advance and they were very happy to help on those occasions and have their grandchildren visit them on their own.

I don't think the op is being that unreasonable. My dc are grown up now and providing I am fit enough to help them, I certainly shall when the time comes. I cannot believe I wouldn't drive four hours to my dd, cook dinner, do a bit of ironing andctake the baby for a walk/coffee to give dd a chance for a sleep. That's what being a parent is about. I didn't ave it but my dc jolly well shall providing I am fit

But that's the thing- you dont know how you will feel in 20/30/40 years time. I know a lot of fit healthy older people who still dont feel comfortable driving at night or in the dark and as you age, illnesses hit you much harder than they do when young. Driving an 8 hour round trip in one day could be exhausting for an older person.

I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

If she made you have the DC, then fair enough. If it was your decision, then ....

Maybe the responsibility fails on you and DH/DP. You mentioned 'leaving us to it' by also say 'he' is working away.

How is he going his share when he is away so much? Why are you blaming your mother rather than the DH/DP?

luckily my mum helps a lot with my kids but i wouldn’t expect her to come over if one of them was ill. and she lives two streets away, not four hours! my baby has been ill the last week and my boyfriend has taken leave from work to help take care of her so that it doesn’t all fall to me. can’t your partner do that?

YAB hugely U. Your mum has her own life to lead and a 4 hour hour drive between you both. I know how hard it can be but that is part of the deal when you choose to have kids. Did it not occur to you that you were likely to face this sort of situation time and time again? It really bugs me off when people get so pissy when GP's dont step up when required. Might be better to stop at one child if you as a pair are struggling to cope.

I think the mother is taking a lot of stick here rather than the OP. She's made her mother the scapegoat when really, it's up to her and her husband to revolve their lives around the child they chose to bring into the world.

DS was a very poorly baby; DH was working his socks off - big career. I had to give up work because I had neither a mother nor MIL who were prepared to help.

You gave up work because you and your husband chose that, it was in no way the fault of your mother or MIL (funny how it's always the mum or MIL, never the father or FIL) for not taking over your joint responsibility to parent your child, much less a sickly one.

Staggered at the number of entitled parents on here who truly expect always the female relatives to step in and enable their life choices.

Fruitcake- thats a very good point! Why is it always the mother who is expected to help out? why not the FIL or dad?!