Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

I can’t help but find most of these responses really odd to be honest. My children are my whole world and I would be absolutely honoured to be involved if and when they have kids of their own. I really don’t understand this attitude of having the right to be selfish, I have done my bit etc. Your bit still involves supporting your adult children. You don’t wash your hands of them when they are older. Being a parent is a lifelong job, it doesn’t stop when they are 18. I can’t imagine being so selfish as to say “don’t count on me, done my bit!”. Why on earth would you not want to be involved and help your children and grandchildren? Isn’t that what life is all about? Of course there are exceptions and families that don’t get along, but the overall consensus here seems to be once your kids grow up, YOU are the ones feeling entitled, not the OP. I would never dream of being too busy travelling or socialising to help my adult children out. They will always be mine and my husband’s priority.

Yes you are being unreasonable. You have one child for goodness sake. Put your bug girl panties in and get on with it.

I think if GP don't want to help, then they shouldn't expect care when they're older. Off to a care home they go

I find it utterly depressing that someone can post that. Do today's women really think that?

I find it utterly depressing that someone can post that. Do today's women really think that?

I am a woman today and I don't think this. But this attitude crops up frequently on these threads. I cared for my parents when they were dying because I loved them.

I adore my children and I'd give anything for them, including my life if necessary. But conversely, I'm not only am I entitled to my own life outside of childrearing, it's healthy for me to not live for my children. When they have children, I'll help as best I can, but I'm not driving 4 hours to get a stomach virus. 🤷

Whilst your mum is not obligated to help I have sympathy with the fact that she presents herself as the doting Grandmother. My parents are like this and whilst I accept that my children are my responsibility and they can be involved as much or as little as they like, it is annoying when other people go on about how lucky I am for having so much help when in fact I get barely any.

I don't think YWBU to ask, but equally she was perfectly within her rights to say no.

That said, I do appreciate that it must be frustrating for you that she presents herself as a very helpful grandmother when she does actually help much. She probably finds it frustrating that you only ask for help when she's not available though!

Wow I am sorry that you have received such venom. I do think you are being unreasonable on your mum, but it sounds like you are exhausted and just need a break. It is tough looking after a poorly little one and two weeks must feel like a month. I do think your OH needs to step up and give you a break. It is not just the mother's role to look after sick children. This child has two parents. I do hope your little one feels better soon x

Sorry you are struggling OP but I would be banning my mother from my house if we had D&V. I wouldn't want her to catch it. A bit of sympathy down the phone would be nice though.

MarissaE You would want to become unwell because your kid decided to have a kid and doesn’t like the sleepless nights that come with a child being unwell? See, this is why people are sick so often, stay away from everyone until you are well again, don’t be inviting people round to get sick too.

@MarissaE how old are your children at the moment? Because unless they're of childbearing age right now, you can't know how you'll feel when they do have kids.

It's pretty healthy not to live your life entirely around your kids when they're parents themselves. They need space, they need independence, and they don;t want you around all he time. So if you're sensible you'll build other stuff into your life so that you don't become that needy MIL.
Yes, you'll help when you can, but sometimes you'll have clashes. Or your health might not be as good as you imagined it would be. Or yoou simply can't afford to catch D&V when it's ten days from Christmas and you're going to be hosting a bunch of people.

Sorry OP YABU.
Your child. Your responsibility.
Had 4 never asked for help.
You will make it through.

YANBU to hope for help from your DM.
YABU to expect it.

I remember feeling quite upset that my DM didn't bother much with my DC, however now my DC are teen/young adult I understand.

It's been an absolute slog at times, working and caring for them on my own, mentally & physically draining, and I can't help thinking now DC1 is at Uni, DC2 and 3 are in college and school, it feels like the end is in sight for my life being organised around their lives and plans.

I would be absolutely devastated to be made a DGP in the next few 15 years. I'm tentatively looking forward to holidays, to socialising more, spending more time on myself, when the last 20yrs has been planned around my DC.

The idea of just getting full independence back but then being expected to be on hand for babysitting, organised childcare and planning my life around my DC's children for the next 18 years makes me want to cry tbh.

I do know a needy grandmother. She does jobs for her children (going round to cook their meals, taking their children on 'days out') that nobody wants or needs her to do. She has defined her life by 'being mum' and now can't relinquish that role, so has muscled in on her daughters' lives. Sometimes they are grateful, more often they are irritated by her insistance on being involved with her grandchildren to the extent she is.

Don't be her, *MarissaE'. Have your own life. Adult children are adults first, your children second.

YABU. You chose to have a child. It is your responsibility to raise a child. You say she has never slept well and has been sick for 2 weeks. You only have one child and you only work 4 days. I have 4 children and work 5 days. My youngest doesn't sleep for long and hasn't since birth. I'm a single parent and my siblings moved 6 hours away and my parents are no longer here.. Suck it up and be grateful for what you do have.

I would be absolutely devastated to be made a DGP in the next few 15 years. I'm tentatively looking forward to holidays, to socialising more, spending more time on myself, when the last 20yrs has been planned around my DC. The idea of just getting full independence back but then being expected to be on hand for babysitting, organised childcare and planning my life around my DC's children for the next 18 years makes me want to cry tbh

This should be a header on all these threads. It's the first time I've seen these sentiments uttered.

Jeez people... calm down with the harsh “just get on with it” comments. Yes she chose to have the child and yes it’s only one child but everyone has different degrees of coping with different situations. It isn’t good enough to say “well I have it harder than you so your feelings don’t matter”. Why bother commenting if only to be negative?? Are you not allowed to be ill because someone is more ill?? It’s ridiculous.

And to all those saying “you chose to have a child”, well you people that seem to dread the thought of being a grandparent, you also chose to have children and yet seem horrified that they may make you a grandparent and want your help?!

Is everyone just plain selfish these days?!

l you people that seem to dread the thought of being a grandparent, you also chose to have children and yet seem horrified that they may make you a grandparent and want your help?!

Well, yes. Because my parents never helped with my children (nor did i expect them to), I would be horrified if my kids 'expected' my help with their children. They are perfectly free to reproduce, of course they are, but not if they are doing so with the expectation of me putting my, now, eventually, child free life on hold.

This is one part of being a grandparent I look forward to - saying 'no' to looking after sickly, sleep deprived children. .

This is one part of being a grandparent I look forward to - saying 'no' to looking after sickly, sleep deprived children

Or driving four hours to catch D&V.

@MarissaE I think the biggest issue is she is expecting her mother to drive for 4 hours just to help her in a none emergency and then drive 4 hours back home. That is an 8 hoyr drive

Those criticising the OPs DM - the child is only one but OPs mum has already been to stay several times despite living 4 hours away. It sounds like she does plenty.

@countrygirl99 yes she does it on her terms when it is convenient for her and she should if she is driving for 4 hours. Would I drive there to help but it should not be demanded or expected

I would drive there. Sorry for the error

Of course yabu. Why on earth would you want your mil and dm to have a sickness bug before xmas. Hope better soon

MarissaE But expecting help just because you chose to have a child is wrong. If you make the decision to have a child you have to be able to find a way for it to work. Relying on others is no good and if you aren’t getting the help you want then learning to cope is exactly what you have to do.