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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 14/12/2019 16:54

If your mum drives 4 hours to help and catches the bug she is going to be stuck at yours until she is well enough to drive 4 hours. So then you would have 2 to look after, possibly even over Christmas.

RandomUsernameHere · 14/12/2019 16:55

YABU, 4 hours is a long drive and your mother has explained she has a prior commitment. Plus, she probably doesn't want to risk catching the bug just before Christmas.

OldWomanSaysThis · 14/12/2019 16:58

4 hour drive = 6 pee stops for aging bladder

Sotiredofthislife · 14/12/2019 16:59

No, OP, the grandparents shouldn’t do anything. I think most people would prefer not to put themselves in front of a stomach bug just before Xmas. I am a single parent of 3 and have no choice but to manage as no siblings and my parents are long gone. I have had one in hospital recently. That was fun. I managed, however, and I can’t help but worry what would happen for you if you had a real emergency. You need to develop some resilience and think about back up plans and discuss these with your partner. Make sure he plays a fair part in illness situations as well.

Drum2018 · 14/12/2019 17:00

Couldn't the person who looks after her while you work help out?

You'd expect a childminder/nursery to take in a sick child? Hmm Even if they didn't mind any other kids why on earth should they risk getting a diarrhoea bug?

StinkyWizleteets · 14/12/2019 17:01

OP never ask about getting help from your parents on MN - they don’t buy into the ‘it takes a village’ mentality and as far as they’re concerned you’re on your own tough shit. In my culture grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins are heavily involved in helping parents out with their kids but my parents didn’t buy into it despite making best use of it when we were wee. Like you I struggle (for reasons no one is owed an explanation for) and have no one to help me out. I’m sorry it’s not more positive. Social media saved me on many occasions from eternal loneliness and certain madness. Personally I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but like I said it’s a cultural thing where I am (I’m not BAME either) but times have changed and it’s an everyone for themselves society so don’t expect sympathy from this lot.

Mrshue · 14/12/2019 17:02

Holy shit. My second kid was poorly for 2 years!!!! Once a week I would went 3 days with no sleep at all! Every single week. I had an older toddler who I also had to look after and my husband worked away all week. I had no help

My child. My responsibility!

Skinnychip · 14/12/2019 17:02

I'm completely feeling for you OP my first DC didnt sleep well and I remember the isolation of looking after babies/toddlers when you feel so exhausted. My DD and me had a sick bug when she was about 5 months and my parents did come over for a day.(they lived less than an hour away) Later on though my DM had cancer and I wouldnt expect her to expose herself to germs but I knew she would be always on the phone for emotional support.
I hope your DD is better soon x x

Mrshue · 14/12/2019 17:03

And I have a life threatening and chronic illness on top!

joCmummy · 14/12/2019 17:03

Wow can't believe how many people here think it's unreasonable to ask for help! OP it's your mom's decision but you did right to ask for help when you need it. No sleep sucks. I feel for you. I have two DDs and they've been ill at the same time as me. No sleep. OH works but took time off when it was at its worst because I couldn't move. At one point I sat on the rug and cried because I missed my mom so much. She passed away before the kids were born but for sure if she'd been alive she'd have dropped everything and come to my rescue. Step mom did as much as she could (she works). Retired mil said she hoped I felt better soon. I said to OH that I didn't care if the girls were in another country if this ever happens to them I WILL go help them no matter what. Maybe it's just that's what our family are like. Great grandma helped grandma, my grandma and nanna helped my mom and if she was here u guarantee she'd help me. I hope your little one feels better soon. Get as much rest as you possibly can. This too shall pass but until then hugs to you.

Danetobe · 14/12/2019 17:03

YABU to expect an offer sooner. Grandparents aren't obliged to help out, but my idea of family is to help out in times of need even at a cost to oneself. But it is depressingly common to not feel a sense of kinship and only look after number 1.

Sympathy, I hope DC gets better soon.

TreeSwayer · 14/12/2019 17:05

I totally get it, you are exhausted and just want some help. Sometimes parenting is totally shit. When they are little they pick up so many bugs from nursery or the childminder's and the juggling of who takes the day off work begins.

It would be nice if someone helped you, brought you a cooked meal, something to make your life a bit easier at this point. This is where dump slow cooker meals are a Godsend. I also used to batch cook so had plenty of ready made stuff in the freezer. Online food order so I didn't have to leave the house to get food.

You just have to ride it out. It won't be forever, she is just sick right now. Lots of people have permanently sick children. I am a look on the bright side kind of person. She is healthy, she will get through this. As will you.

tillytrotter1 · 14/12/2019 17:05

So grandparents have their uses when it's convenient but if they look at their daughter/inlaw the wrong way it's straight to no contact!

beautifulstranger101 · 14/12/2019 17:06

I dont think anyone thinks asking for help is "unreasonable".
What IS unreasonable is getting snippy and angry when the answer is no because she has other plans. People are allowed to say no and they are allowed to not want to catch a nasty bug just before Christmas. OP said her mum helped a lot at the beginning so its not as if she's unwilling to help ever. She just said no this time.

JacquesHammer · 14/12/2019 17:07

It’s not entitled to ask for help when one needs it. I bloody hope my daughter will ask for help when she needs it when she’s an adult. My parenting doesn’t miraculously stop when my child is an adult or have her own children.

My own parents have helped me out, in return I help them out.

In this instance I think the distance coupled with the nature of the illness makes it acceptable for her to decline. However being an ear for a moan shouldn’t be beyond her. I’ve never come across anywhere quite like MN in their sheer abhorrence of family assistance!

dottiedodah · 14/12/2019 17:07

I think she probably feels a 4 hour drive along with the risk of catching a sickness bug so close to Christmas, is probably putting her off TBH! Its tough when they are ill ,and so little and you need some help. DH will really need to take some time off too .You shouldnt be responsible for all her care especially when you are both at work.

converseandjeans · 14/12/2019 17:07

YABU to expect her to drive 4 hours. She might catch the bug.

I agree with other posters - DH needs to step up. It does seem a coincidence he has to work long hours while DC is ill. He needs to take time off if you can't cope.

It's just part of being a parent. Nobody helped us if kids were unwell. Thankfully ours weren't really ill like that.

I think perhaps your Mum is having to help more then she expected to. Sounds like you visit frequently. Does she have to help out lots when you go up to visit?

WingingItSince1973 · 14/12/2019 17:08

A 4 hours drive is extremely long. I can only manage just over and hour tops nowadays and I'm only 46! I help my daughter with my 4 year old gs and that's because they are only round the corner and shes a single parent working 5 days a week full time. I'm afraid you are BU. If she was just down the round then maybe not. Saying that my mother and MIL live close by and neither helped when mine were little. I would have to be on deaths door for one of them to take the initiative. Most of my friends have no relatives to help and they just get on with it. I think you're just ground down with lack of sleep and worry about your child which is totally understandable. I really hope shes well soon for you both xxx

FruitcakeOfHate · 14/12/2019 17:11

Wow can't believe how many people here think it's unreasonable to ask for help!

I can't believe anyone would willingly expose their parent to a sickness bug.

diddl · 14/12/2019 17:11

Help out doing what?

Looking after a sick child??!!

Cleaning/cooking whilst you look after a sick child?

I think that she's right to stay away tbh.

I had D&V recently & it took me a couple of days after it finished to be eating properly again & to dare to leave the house!

It really knocked me for six!

Transformer123 · 14/12/2019 17:12

Maybe your Mum does not want to get sick right before Christmas. In the build up to Christmas she probably is really busy. How do you know she's not? Aren't we all really busy preparing things and attending events.

Maybe she thinks you are relying on her too much and it's becoming difficult for her. She may be trying to encourage you to become more self-sufficient.

It's nice to have parents who help, but lots of people have parents who can't help because they are far away or too old. My parents are far away, but I know that if we lived closer, they would not help out much. They have their own lives.

It isn't your right to have help from grandparents. Those who do are just lucky.

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 14/12/2019 17:14

2 child is more like three times the work of 1, and so on

I agree with billy

Two children isn't the work doubled - it is the work squared.

Just remember that when you decide to have another.

ElfAndSafeKey · 14/12/2019 17:15

Your mother did her turn with you. She isn't obliged to do it now for you.
But it's awful to have a sick child and no sleep, so I sympathise, OP.
Does your husband have a day off soon so you can rest?

PersianStar · 14/12/2019 17:16

I also have a 1 year old, who for the last 2 months has caught every bug going which culminated in us ending up in hospital with a chest infection. I also work 3 days. My DP also works away a lot. My mum lives an hour and half away.
My mum absolutely adores my DD but struggles to cope with her on her own for more than about 3 hours when she’s well because she’s just so active.
The fact that she’s poorly actually makes it 10 times worse because she’s so clingy.
Do I wish my mum could magic away 30 years and be the mum to her grandchild that I remember when I was poorly... yes I do.
Do I understand that this is my child and now I need to be that mum... yes I do.
I get it, honestly I do. There has been times where I can’t even go for a wee without her sitting on my knee, crying. Where I’ve had to leave my poorly baby, crying in her cot just to have 2 minutes on my own.
I just keep telling myself that this will pass. It’s not my mums job to bail me out as much as I would love her too.
I hope your baby starts to feel better soon.

MintyMabel · 14/12/2019 17:21

Wow can't believe how many people here think it's unreasonable to ask for help!

From a mother who lives hundreds of miles away. With a baby who has a stomach bug.

That's not reasonable at all.

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