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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
LisaD76 · 15/12/2019 18:32

I do get how you’re feeling but as others have said you only have 1, it could be so much worse.

Dominoz · 15/12/2019 18:36

The OP hasn't been back to the thread for a while. I think this is more about her relationship with her mum than her mum's reluctance to help. It's a bit of a wake up call and tricky if you weren't expecting it. Hope you all feel better soon.

MrsAlexKarev · 15/12/2019 18:37

I haven’t RTFT but I don’t understand why you’d want to give your mum or MIL a sickness bug this close to Christmas?? She’s your child, look after her! I understand it’s draining but maybe once you’re all better ask for some time out!

Drabarni · 15/12/2019 18:37

YABU, me and dh raised our kids with no support, miles from family and friends.
There were no nurseries either, or play groups, mother and baby etc.
You manage it's a case of having to.
Ours were junior age before we moved back, close to family. Until then we'd never had a night out without the kids, or any other time.
We are the parents, it's our job to raise them, it's lovely if you live near a support network, but if you don't you just have to get on with it.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/12/2019 18:39

Maybe she doesn’t want to catch the bug / or maybe she just doesn’t want to come - your child.

ProfYaffle · 15/12/2019 18:41

As pp's have pointed out, the men are conspicuous by their absence in this scenario. Could your Mum be trying to make a point about your dh or your in law's involvement? Are you drawing on her help to cover dh's shortfall? Could your MIL help?

RainRainGoAwayComeAgain · 15/12/2019 18:45

I think you are being unreasonable. My little boy had the same thing this time last year it went on for weeks, he was also a none sleeper who breastfed around the clock until I managed to wean him off recently aged 2! I wouldn’t expect my relatives (and they live 5 min away) to come and help out, who wants to risk catching that? I told people to keep away. As for general help you shouldn’t expect anyone to help out, I never have. My parents volunteer as and when but sometimes if I ask it’s met with a “no, we are busy doing xyz”.

scaryteacher · 15/12/2019 18:46

OhTheRoses Have PMd you to explain why life is tiring atm. I feel like I'm 80. Once I've got over my 4th move in 6 years, three of those international, I might have more energy.

I find the Brussels to the Devon/Cornwall borders drive knackering. It's 12 hours door to door, so I break it into two days. As anyone who had ever driven on the Brussels Ring and E40 will tell you, it is hairy in the extreme, and how I survived 13 years without being written off by a Belgian driver is beyond me. The M25 is a dream compared with Belgian motorways.

blackcat86 · 15/12/2019 18:47

Firstly I do get it because my 16 month old has hand foot and mouth so I am struggling at the moment. Shes clingy, she clearly feels like shit, as a mouth of ulcers and blisters on her bum but she's my child and I'm doing the nights, tiredness and all that. Presumably you're on parental leave right now so have a job but you're not actually at work. I have a useful DH so it's on me. I also understand your point that you're not getting help but your DM brags about being GP of the year. I get this to as MIL does it but you need to understand that their help isnt real help because they're not that interested. It's a bit sad but really you need to tough it out and then find a decent support system. This is the hard part of parenting.

Chocolate50 · 15/12/2019 18:47

I think that you're feeling low because your Dad's illness is getting on top of you. It's horrible to feel that way & I'm sorry you are feeling bad.
If I were your parents I would help definitely & I think they should. Maybe instead of asking outright just let them know how much you are struggling- be really honest.

EmpressJewel · 15/12/2019 18:48

I get it,OP. It's so difficult trying to juggle life at the best of times, even more so when your child is unwell. If your child is 1, I'm guessing you may not have been back at work long (eg a couple of months at most) and it can take ages to build up stamina when you return to work.

Your DM and MIL probably aren't abandoning you - they may not be particularly sympathetic because your child has a self- limiting bug and you are complaining that you need help. This is your life now. Your child is going to get ill and you and your OH are going to have to manage.

Do what you need to in order to get through the next few weeks. Forget the housework, buy ready meals, takeaways or have cereal for dinner.

Maybe take the day off work. I'm not saying you should call in sick, but if you aren't functioning well, then maybe a day at home (whilst DC is in childcare) will help. Your OH really needs to help more. He needs to come home on time at least one day a week and help. Plus weekends.

I know you've had a hard time on this thread, but that's because most of us have been there.

mummytraveller · 15/12/2019 18:48

I sympathize but YABU, as a single mum with no grandparent help apart from once in 6 years (I had to beg for them to take DS for 4hours whilst injured, only happened once!) u do just have to get on with it..

Emmylou1985 · 15/12/2019 18:53

YABU. This is your child, your job to deal with. You can't honestly think it's reasonable to expect your mother to drive four hours to come and potentially end up with the shits surely?

Bobbi73 · 15/12/2019 18:54

Neither my mum or MIL help with my kids much as they both have their own lives (one time I phoned my MIL in tears and begged her for help as my mum was away and I got Scarlett fever with a newborn and a 3 year old and she refused to come as she had pilates!) but one of the times my mum came to help is when all three of us got really sick with a tummy bug, it was awful trying to look after a baby and toddler whilst intermittently bring sick and running to the loo! My poor mum got the bug worse than all of us and was really ill for over a week. I felt terrible giving it to her but I was having a really tough time.
My husband works away for long periods so I have to manage alone all the time. It's really hard when you're sleep deprived but unfortunately, you'll have to learn to manage on your own. You have my sympathy 💐

Spacecudet · 15/12/2019 19:01

Your child, your problem I'm afraid. I feel for you that your child is ill, but they are your responsibility and no one else's. I have three children, and no family near by, I know what it is like. You can't be upset with anyone else for not helping.

Zoejj77 · 15/12/2019 19:07

Yabu

randomchatter · 15/12/2019 19:07

I think your mum and MIL have the right attitude!

Yours and DHs situation is difficult but really everyday, run of the mill stuff for most parents.

I know of grandparents who do this 'helping out' at an early stage to 'let the young ones get out now and again' to enjoy their relationship; be on hand to 'enable their kids to build their careers' and be on call to cover sicknesses, get grand-babies to school, swimming, mathalon, football after school classes!

10 yrs later they're totally invested, completely bonded with beautiful grandkids, have no life of their own and mum and dad (who made up after the 7 yr itch) say her mum and MIL are interfering and suffocating and totally at fault for all their ills!

No, sort the basics out yourselves...this is basic parenting!

sunshine11 · 15/12/2019 19:10

OMG you sound so privileged. Some people don’t have mums let alone feel aggrieved that they won’t come and help.

I suggest you get over yourself and do some actual parenting.

mumoftinyterrors · 15/12/2019 19:13

Really?!? It’s your child.

CheungS255 · 15/12/2019 19:15

It might be worth learning how to cope on your own. Sleep when DD is sleeping. Be awake when she is awake. If she is waking up 12 x a night, maybe ask doctor if you can give her calpol which helps her to sleep? or vicks on a cloth put near her but not too near. Keep her warm, anything you can think of to make her comfortable and not wake up so many times. We all been there. You are lucky your mum helped. But perhaps you could show her your appreciation this christmas and see how that goes?

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 15/12/2019 19:15

Maybe she helped at first to give you chance to find your feet and work out what you were doing as it's your first, now access trying to distance herself a bit so it doesn't become an obligation. If you need back up your husband needs to step up, he's working but so are you.

PepePig · 15/12/2019 19:16

And still so many delightful people roll in...

Why is it that women especially, are so bitter to others? Because you suffered everyone else has to as well? This faux sympathy followed up with "but yeah it's your child you'll just have to deal like I have" Hmm. Being a martyr isn't something to be proud of.

But, sure. We, as women, will continue to put women down. Not offer genuine support. Just use every thread asking for help as one where we can get in our little sob story about how tough it was blah blah blah. Get a little ego boost while someone else is struggling.

Women are allowed to ask for help. Yes, I'm sure OP has gathered her husband needs to do more. But in the mean time, even though it may be a big ask for her mum to come and help, we could at least be kind to her. Offer practical advice about how to help (like a PP suggested things like ready meals). Rather than jump at the first opportunity to get the boot in and self congratulate ourselves for being so amazing and great.

Maybe if families actually supported each other, rather than everyone being out for themselves, we'd see a lot less depression in mums. But it'll never happen. Sad, really.

beautifulstranger101 · 15/12/2019 19:21

Maybe if families actually supported each other, rather than everyone being out for themselves

huh? didnt you say earlier in this thread:
I think if GP don't want to help, then they shouldn't expect care when they're older. Off to a care home they go

Much supportive.

Dowser · 15/12/2019 19:22

I was with you till I saw the 4 hour drive op
Sorry that’s a heck of a hike especially this time of year
If you need more help can you move nearer

AlaskaElfForGin · 15/12/2019 19:23

@PepePig

You know, it is OK for people to talk about their own experiences too, as long as they're not being horrible about it (which some of them have been and clearly, they should be ignored). But I'm afraid I don't find this comment where we can get in our little sob story about how tough it was blah blah blah very kind at all. It's a little ironic given what you are apparently trying to put across in your post.

I don't think saying something like that makes your post any better than some of the others on here tbh.

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