Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

@PepePig

You know, it is OK for people to talk about their own experiences too, as long as they're not being horrible about it (which some of them have been and clearly, they should be ignored). But I'm afraid I don't find this comment where we can get in our little sob story about how tough it was blah blah blah very kind at all. It's a little ironic given what you are apparently trying to put across in your post.

I don't think saying something like that makes your post any better than some of the others on here tbh.

YABVVVVVVVU she's your child, it's your job to look after her.

I had no grandparent support at all, either dead or abroad. I worked. Just had to get on with it. You are very lucky to have a mother at all. Mine died when I was a child. At least you can pick up a phone and talk to her. She lives four hours away. That’s a long way for an older person to drive and then deal with a poorly, clingy baby. So yes very unreasonable.

I sympathise, having a child that doesn't sleep is no joke and many will tell you it's normal when it actually isn't; I've raised 6 kids and only 1 was a non sleeper and it was horrific. Unless you've had a child that never sleeps you really don't know what you're talking about.

It's also highly unusual to have a sickness bug for more than a couple of days so 2 weeks is ridiculous, no wonder you're tearing your hair out.

Clearly your DH can't take time off or he would have done so I'm not really sure why people are putting this forward as a solution? It would be lovely for husbands to take time off when the kids are sick but this is the real world and this never happens. (Same with grandfathers)

I'm going to go against the grain and say YANBU. Common sense says it's your child and your responsibility but that's the point of family: you put yourselves out for each other or what's the point of calling yourself family?

I can see why you are upset, your mother doesn't work and has a social life all year round, if she worked, fine but she doesn't and this is an SOS. If you were my child I wouldn't hesitate and actually, reading these selfish, self absorbed "your mum has a life, blah blah" comments makes me feel sorry for their kids to be honest because in my world being a mother doesn't stop when your kids move out.

Hang in there, it will pass.

Sounds v tough and I don't think it's unreasonable to hope your mum would help and be dissapointed she hasn't. Though to expect it might be unreasonable iyswim.

But then I have parents less than an hour away who have always helped so I suppose it's what you're used to.

I do think this thread is becoming way more oriented towards those who haven't had help vs those who have. I get that and feel the same. Remember this is one example of someone who didn't see this coming and not to vilify

@beautifulstranger101 are you being obtuse on purpose?

I think if you live quite a distance from your parents and inlaws then you just need to accept from the outset that you will get less help than other people you may know who live near you who get a lot of family help. 3 or 4 hours drive away is not in the realms of asking for support when you're finding it tough going, unfortunately. I am sure they would come in an absolute emergency but just finding it hard with one sick child and a dh who works long hours is horrible but not desperate. Also, no one should ever expect grandparent's help when they might also get the bug! That way madness lies. Children's contagious illnesses are a storm that parents and parents alone need to weather. Your husband needs to step up.

Sorry - is it obvious I haven't RTWFT? but this is how I genuinely feel.

YABU. Your child, your choice, your responsibility. If anyone offers to help take it as a bonus, not a right.

@AlaskaElfForGin it's fine for people to talk about their own experiences but more often than not, it is based around making themselves look superior to the original poster. I really don't care that I'm being unkind to those who have, guess what, been unkind to OP- if you want to act like you're better than someone else, at least be prepared to be pulled on it.

Huge sympathy OP, we’re surrounded by people who have loads of help from grandparents (babysitting, looking after sick kids, generally being around being supportive) but we don’t have any of that and it’s made it very very hard at times. Three of DD’s grandparents are dead, the other (my DM) is three hours away and chooses not to get involved. She’s rather sniffy about her friends who ARE active grandparents, even at a distance. She’s only seen DD three times this year - her choice. It’s not the distance, she’s perfectly happy to drive a six hour round trip in a day once a week to visit an elderly distant relative!

What we’ve done is built up our own support network through friendships, chosen Godparents who support us etc, worked out how to juggle leave between us to cover illness and budgeted for extra childcare so we get a break sometimes. It’s taken a while (DD is now 4) but it feels like we’re getting somewhere and we’re managing. I must admit, though, that I won’t be rushing to drive the three hours to DM’s if she does start needing some more help...

Poor you Wendy Whiner.

@PepePig So you don't want anyone to be unkind to someone else (of course they shouldn't) but it's OK for you to be unkind. I don't believe that anyone should be unkind or belittle someone else. Even you. You're just like them.

You can't expect your mum to risk getting sick just before Christmas (although you obviously do!) Tell your partner to help out, he is her dad. Why is it more your mum's responsibility than his? I know you won't answer that question as you keep avoiding it but you and your partner need to look after your daughter.

Tbh even if she was willing to come, it can be more stressful and I hear so many stories, where this often can Make things even harder, I was SAHM on and off and my DD was at nursery too... it can have a strain on your relationship and really a sick bug, isn’t worth a 4 hour journey, I am sure if she was in a really bad way and in hospital, she would ensure coming over to help..

No she should be helping, nor subjecting her to this illness either. Ride it out. It's your turn I'd say

Your dh is in the wrong here. Presumably if you work 4 days you've had to take time off to mind your daughter. Why hasnt he? He is a parent too and no job should precedence another when your daughter has been ill for 2 weeks. Regardless of his job he needs to step up and support his wife.

Oh and sleep train your daughter as soon as she's better.

I've never had any family support. Like above PP, any childcare I get I pay for. I care for my kids 100% of weekends and evenings.
You're being very spoilt and insensitive.

My Mum would definitely help me if she knew I was struggling... in which case YANBU. I hope she gets better soon, I have 3 children (youngest 9 months) that all sleep well, which is sometimes easier than having one that doesn’t. Maybe you should be honest with her, and explain how much you need / needed her x

The people that are making me laugh are the ones saying "if I was a grandmother I would..."

You have no idea how you'll feel if and when you are. You'll be older, possibly with less energy and patience and with any luck, you'll have a life of your own. It's ten days until Christmas. If I was to drop everything I have going on in the next week to go and stay to help out, (and take a day each end to get there), I'd be letting a LOT of other people down - both socially and in my volunteering role. Never mind all the Christmas preparations I need to get done.

Of course I'd drop everything in an emergency, but this isn't one.

Haven't managed to read every response yet but thanks for the support in particular @PepePig who I feel really understands.

I'm not on here saying I've got the hardest situation, of course I haven't, and I'm not going to justify that. I'm here saying I'm struggling, really struggling and finding things hard. And if those of you who have read a few paragraphs about my life think that I shouldn't be then so what? I'm not going to miraculously start coping because you think I should.

My DM, grandmother of the year in her eyes who has always said she would do whatever she can to help, won't actually follow through on her promises. I was only expecting a lot because she promised it. Anyway, she won't actually act on her words and so this has been a very useful lesson and I'm not going to be facilitating her relationship with my DD to the same extent by traveling hundreds of miles each month when she is so reluctant to ever visit us.

Oh, OP.

Leaving aside the issue with your mum, which I understand feels upsetting... the best advice I have from those very early years? Lower your standards. Get a TV in your bedroom if you don't already, and if she's been up in the night endlessly, cuddle her with you and have Cbeebies on while you doze in the mornings, if that saves your sanity. A depressed mum is not good for them either - a bit of toddler telly won't harm. Nor will ordering meals in from COOK, if you can afford it, nor the odd frozen pizza. Let the house be messy if that means you can nap when the baby does. This is an endurance test, not a parenting one. Look after yourself and let anything secondary go.

Parenting in the early months and years is the hardest thing anyone ever does IMO, not because it's difficult, but because it's a relentless, exhausting treadmill. Of course there are moments of pride, joy and delight. But there are plenty more when you feel bored, angry and desperate, too. You're not alone, and this too shall pass.

The crazy thing is that when she's seven, and gone in school all day, you'll miss the very early years. Nostalgia is selective and kindly.

I sympathise.

A good friend is in her 50s, her mum had a stroke this year & her stepdad has Alzheimers and is prone to wandering off.

Friend is so busy caring for her mum + trying to keep tabs on stepdad when he goes out, that's she's weary and ground down.

Yet her mum never ever wanted to help out with childcare when friend's DD was born. I had 2 little ones so we swapped childcare between us even though we do live far apart.

Her mum is taking all the help she can get from her daughter now though. No sign of the friends she had who were apparently so important that she'd no time for her grandchild.

Not to mention her mum married a man who was NC with his 4 children when they met, so there's no family help from them.

I can see by thread that it's very individualistic out there. Sounds miserable.

DD is ttc and doubt she'll live near me but whenever possible I'll go there and sleep over to help and to bond with my grandchild. I work and have a social life too but driven to be out all the time with mates, having to have outside activities going on all the time...ok in your 20s but 50s & beyond, no thanks. Its odd.

Everyone needs respite at times even if it's just to get a couple of hours sleep. If your DM & MIL won't help, it is what it is just bear it in mind if ever later in life you're expected to drop everything and rush to care for and help them.

Crosspost.

And yes, when someone has sworn they'll always be there the second you need it, and then you find that's bullshit, it's going to hurt, regardless. Especially if they are still making that (groundless) claim, to you and to other people.

A ton of people struggle with motherhood in the early months and years. I'd go so far as to say that's normal, and sailing through isn't. It does sometimes feel as if people feel that they suffered, so why shouldn't you?

I had a lot of support from my mum. It makes all the difference. It means you can sleep, for a start! And I'm not sure why so many women seem to think childcare counts as 'not working'. It's all work, whether paid or not, childcare or office. That's why other women get paid to do the childcare when women return to work after kids - or are the childcarers not working, either?