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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should the grandparents do more?

527 replies

DressedAs · 14/12/2019 15:35

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP posts:
Rosebel · 15/12/2019 21:38

Would you honestly risk getting a sickness bug over Christmas. No way would I travel for 4 hours just for the pleasure of being sick.
It's rough that you're struggling but why isn't your partner supporting you? You should not want to risk anyone else getting sick. Wouldn't you feel awfully guilty if your mum got sick? If it wasn't a sickness bug then it would be okay to ask for help (but you still respect their right to say no) but in this situation your being unreasonable and selfish.
Just curl up on the sofa with her and watch a DVD or toddler telly and stick to easy to make food. Hopefully she'll bounce back soon.

skyblu · 15/12/2019 21:39

Sorry but I think YABU.
Yes it’s tough for you right now....but no tougher than a lot of other people have it all the time! This is your baby, your responsibility, you’re an adult.
You mum lives 4hours away! 4hours!!
You can’t expect her to be dropping her life and running over to help you just because DD is poorly. It’s not a life threatening or hospitalised situation.
You need to deal with it, hard as it may be. That’s parenting!

Canyousewcushions · 15/12/2019 21:45

YABVU- she has a sickness bug. There's no way I'd ask someone else to come and expose themselves to that while doing me a childcare favour Xmas Hmm

ShadowOnTheSun · 15/12/2019 21:51

Not that it's unreasonable to ask for help - it's not. She doesn't have to do it, though, up to her. I just genuinely don't understand what help do you need in this situation? What's so difficult about it?

My grandad whom I loved died to weeks ago, three days after the funeral my daughter got sick (still sick now), I'm a single mother and also I do work (from home, though). This is not a martyrdom contest, as except for the bereavement I don't feel a martyr.

So yes, she doesn't sleep much. But apart from that - I give her medicine, wash her, feed her and read a story/console her. Nothing special. On the plus side - no school runs to do. I genuinely fail to see what things could my mother help me with in this situation. Make me a cuppa? That's about it, I guess. True, I don't do any housework (except for quick cooking) atm, but this can wait until everyone gets better. So it's basically just the above + work. Tiring? Sure, but it's seriously not THAT difficult. One sick child, after all, not 3.

4 hours drive to sit with a child with a bug? I'd never do it. My mother wouldn't either. Ditto if she'd have a bug I wouldn't drop everything I'm busy with and run to see her (4 hours away). We're adults and perfectly capable dealing with minor illnesses. Different if something serious would be going on, though.

choli · 15/12/2019 22:28

but the last couple of times I have asked for help she has said no.
That makes me wonder how often you ask for help and expect her to drive 4 hours each way.

Chickoletta · 15/12/2019 22:43

YABU. Your child, your responsibility.

80sMum · 15/12/2019 22:43

OP, I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

You seem not to be taking into account that your mother has a life to lead. I doubt that she spends her days sitting at home doing nothing and waiting for the phone to ring so she can be given her babysitting schedule.

Everyone I know who is retired - and a lot of my friends are - says that they are actually busier in retirement than they were when working.

melj1213 · 15/12/2019 22:46

My DM, grandmother of the year in her eyes who has always said she would do whatever she can to help, won't actually follow through on her promises. I was only expecting a lot because she promised it.

This attitude is why people are saying YABU. Your mum promised to do whatever she can to help, not that she would drop everything whenever your child is sick and your DP is in contract.

From 4 hours away, when your child is sick, there is not a lot she can do to help short of dropping all her commitments and risking illness right before Christmas. That is an unreasonable ask for any reason beyond emergency.

What exactly do you need her to do? It would be one thing if your DD was in hospital and you had other kids so you physically needed a second adult to be around but short of making you a cuppa or doing laundry what exactly do you want your mum to come to actually do once she has dropped everything for multiple days, driven 4 hrs and turned up on your doorstep?!

Bugbabe1970 · 15/12/2019 23:12

Will you all stop comparing your situations to the OPs
She’s struggling and needs help, doesn’t make a difference to the situation just because you all think you’ve coped with much worse 🙄
We all need help from time to time so stop making her feel bad because she isn’t coping! She just needs her mum and what the hell is wrong with that?
If I was close by OP I would gladly come and give you some help
Be kind to yourself
Het yourself tucked up in bed with the little one, watch some CBeebies and ride it out, oh and get your other half to help out too!

Bugbabe1970 · 15/12/2019 23:14

Some of you are being very cruel on here tonight!
I hope you are proud of yourselves and god help if you need any support from anyone 😔

Ihavethefinalsleigh · 15/12/2019 23:17

YABU

Your kids, your choice to have them.

Ferret27 · 15/12/2019 23:39

Haven’t read all the thread.... tell her you aren’t coping as she may not realise ... all those people (women!) saying you are being unfair are not showing much sympathy or empathy... your children are your children for life surely .... or do you only want to see someone completely floored by their situation before they get some help... when family need help .... you help.... but Op must ask straight out ...I hope your child gets better soon and you get some uninterrupted sleep ..good luck

Ferret27 · 15/12/2019 23:43

Oh and the irony ...all you posters saying she shouldn’t risk getting a bug over Christmas .... forgive me for stating the obvious... but isn’t Christmas about families ... and giving!

A lot of self-centred cold posters on here ...

Emeraldshamrock · 15/12/2019 23:49

but isn’t Christmas about families ... and giving!
Yes gifts not vomiting and diahorria.
As you haven't rtft, should you be calling posters cold.

saraclara · 15/12/2019 23:50

I wouldn't ask anyone to risk catching D&V in order to help me. Seriously, do people do that?
If you live in the house, then you're stuck with the risk. But you don't ask people to risk catching it, in order to do you a favour.

Ferret27 · 15/12/2019 23:56

👏peppa...... I too at the coldness of so many replies on here..

titnomatani · 16/12/2019 00:00

YABVVVVVU. Your child, your and your husband's responsibility. I say this is someone who has ILs who live 20 mins from us and only my MIL has bothered to come and see her only (permanently unsettled, colicky, reflux ridden) grandchild three times. He's now 15 months and hasn't see her in over 13 months. Your mum lives 4 hours away- that's the equivalent of London- Manchester! Get your big girl pants on OP and get on with it. You're stronger than you think.

Ferret27 · 16/12/2019 00:04

Yes I should ...Emeraldshamrock’ ...I wrote so soon because I was appalled at the lack of support from the so cold gentler sex... and have since read the whole thread ..
When my mother was sick recently... I didn’t think .oh I don’t want to catch it! I just thought how can I help? I drove to help her at once and had to work and drive up and down a motorway each day until she felt able to cope... who the hell should look after my family members when they can’t cope!.

Ferret27 · 16/12/2019 00:05

And no Christmas isn’t about giving gifts .. unless your a total knob

BigChocFrenzy · 16/12/2019 00:07

Your DP comes home at 9PM, so on alternate nights he should take the child and give you a break for an hour or two
and also take over on 1 weekend day

Much more reasonable to demand help from your child's other parent
than expecting your 60-year-old mum to keep making 8-hour round trips and stays

She probably finds it a lot more draining on her than she thought when she made her promise to help

Also she probably visualised it for occasional or hospital-type emergencies, not ordinary childhood ailments and not to travel as often as you had expected

How often has she made this long journey because you or your DC is ill .... and then caught something herself ?

Ferret27 · 16/12/2019 00:17

Op .. if you can’t tell her how you are feeling or what’s on your mind write her a note ...most of the time people don’t realise the impression they are giving those closest to them...

Emeraldshamrock · 16/12/2019 01:52

And no Christmas isn’t about giving gifts .. unless your a total knob
It is in this house I'm so excited.
I look after my mother who is extremely ill. She looked after my DC in the past, as would my Dsis's and my brother, like I would for them, we are a helpful supportive family if a when needed.
Not dramatic enough to expect them to travel 8 hours to look after my sick child, nor would I start an entitied thread if any if them were unavailable to help.
OP is being entitled, her DM already spent time settling her in, it is a year, the DC has a bug, and will have many more.
Best to learn how to deal with it herself.

Emeraldshamrock · 16/12/2019 01:54

@Ferret27 Write her a note. Dear DM I am annoyed you wouldn't drive 4 hours to help me with OUR baby. You done it before, I am upset your wont help more.

perfectstorm · 16/12/2019 02:04

@Bugbabe1970 - completely agree. Awful lot of people seeming to take pleasure in kicking an exhausted, overwhelmed mother when she's down. I don't understand why people feel that's okay. Ironic, to be criticising someone else's personal failings when behaving that way themselves.

There are ways of disagreeing with people without being an arsehole, really. No need to put the boot in - especially when the target is plainly feeling very low already.

Really sorry, OP. AIBU can be awful sometimes.

Ferret27 · 16/12/2019 05:36

Emeraldshamrock.... then write more sympathetically... you seem to have experience in life .... share this instead of scorn for someone else’s situation

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