Should the grandparents do more?

[DressedAs]

I'm getting frustrated with my mum and a bit my MIL.

DH and I have a one year old DD who has had a lingering sickness and diarrhoea bug for the last two weeks. Doc says she just needs to fight the virus off and to keep her hydrated and she is slowly getting better but still not eating much and sleeping really badly, plus she is clingy all day long and it's just been quite upsetting really.

This has coincided with DH doing a really long hours contract so he is out of the house from 7am until about 9pm each night and I'm pretty much on my own with DD, not able to take her to playgroups etc because of her tummy and I'm really struggling.

My mum was so helpful when DD was born. She lives about a four hour drive away but would come up to us regularly and stay for a few nights and help out. When all this started with DD she kept telling me how "busy" she was, I felt like she was giving excuses not to come and help before I could ask her. Her being "busy" can involve hoovering, meeting a friend for lunch, or posting a letter. She doesn't work.

Today I asked if she could come and help, DH is working all weekend. She said she couldn't as she has a social thing on tomorrow which she can't get out of as it would let others down. Fair enough but AIBU to think she should have offered sooner? I was a bit snippy on the phone and now feel bad but I think she should be trying to help and not just leaving us to it when we are struggling.

OP your mum saying she will do whatever she can to help means exactly that. She will do whatever she can, in this case it's not possible for her to drop her own life for a few days and risk getting sick. Saying I will do whatever I can does not mean she will drop everything the second you snap your fingers but she will help out when it's realistic to.

Sounds like Ops partner is working 7 days a week ...maybe he is freelance and takes work when it lands or is just on a major project ...
I work alongside a lot of full time 60+ year old women and know women in their 70’s who do child care ...is Ops mum frail or vulnerable? I may have missed that!... I also work with a middle age mum who can’t cope with her child that sleeps badly and struggles when he is ill and grouchy ... she often comes in to work stressed and emotional ..in tearsand also takes so much time off work.. because her mother is too elderly to support her in any physical way... if your neighbour wAs I’ll you would help them wouldn’t you?
It is her mother’s right to refuse to help ... but it isn’t necessarily ‘right to’ .... She would like her mums support it’s not an awful thing to want surely
my mum drives 2hrs every few weeks to manage my siblings garden as they are physically unable to and she is 80!

I think some of these comments are really harsh. We all have different levels of coping skills and bashing a mum who is tired is really shitty. How many of you doing the bashing have loads of grandparent help? Lots I expect.
OP it sounds like you're really struggling, it is awful having a poorly child whether you have one or more especially at a young age when they are so clingy. Your hubs needs to have some time off if he can or speak again to grandparents, it is true they wont want to catch it but if you are that exhausted you wont be able to parent well which is dangerous for you and your daughter. Pay no attention to all the nasties on here, hope she is better soon. Also it is true she is your child, but I think it's pretty shit when people could help but dont.

All those of you saying 'when I'm a grandparent I'll help out with the children...' just bear in mind that, the way things are going, you are going to be working until you are over 70. I'm 59 and I'm knackered after working a week, I can't imagine what it's going to be like to be nearly 70 before I can retire.

It's easy from the position of being late 20's and your own kids are little, to say that you will help out with grandchildren, but the reality of being older and having to work can make things very different.

YABU. Your child, your responsibility. Your Mum and MIL have done their child raising, and your Mum lives quite a drive away, so hardly convenient for her. Also, why would you risk making either of them sick at this time of year.

I wish people would stop banging on about "you work/don't work" etc and expecting SAHM to have some sort of easy ride. I'm not a SAHM but it's even annoying me!

There's nothing wrong in sometimes saying "I'm tired and I'm stressed and I need another pair of hands at the moment". We're not all super-mums like some people on here make out.

OP - depends on the relationship with your mum. I certainly would ring my mum and say "mum I need some help, please come over". But don't do it in a snippy way. Maybe she just doesn't realise you're struggling.

But failing that... Yes ask hubby to take a day off if poss. Or a good friend, sibling etc. Someone who can just come and give you a break for a few hours.

I think YABU, like a lot of posters have said - no grandparent is obliged to help. YOU decided to have kids, no one else but you so you have to live by your decisions and own them not expect others to take some of the responsibility for you.

That said, it would be nice if she offered to help absolutely but no way should you be arsy about it.

Sorry OP, sounds tough. I understand you feel let down but I do think YABU to expect either grandparent to look after a sick child. My parents won’t come close when there’s a bug in the house and while it can be isolating I do get it. I think your DH should be stepping in, be mad at him if anyone!!

I think OP might have got more sympathy if she'd answered people's questions like
Why can't her partner hrlp?
How often has mum helped?
What is her mum supposed to do when she gets there?
I don't think people have been cold at all. It's just another AIBU, when what they mean is only reply if you agree with me completely.

Sorry OP. Some of us just don't get any help. My parents and in laws all live locally and not a one helps, nor do I expect them to.

I made totally clear to oldest and middle son when their children were born (youngest son doesn’t have children yet) that I will help in emergencies but am NOT an additional pair of hands for childcare.

We have five grandchildren altogether and I love them all but I feel I’ve earned the right to be selfish. I’m sorry if people disagree but I’m being honest.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I have brought up my three sons while my husband was a full time police officer working shifts. I was a nurse and worked regular nights for a few years so that we could manage with the boys. We had no help from either my mum or his because they were both still working themselves.

I’m 68 now and still work a couple of days as a specialist advisor. My free time is precious for me and my husband. We travel a lot and we do lots of things together and seriously, my time with my husband is my priority.

I think everyone commenting IBU! I sympathise. I too work part time, husband works long hours, have only one child who is a terrible sleeper so basically have been sleep deprived for two and a bit years. Whether you have one or 15 children, if you get no sleep, you get no sleep. OP, I totally know where you’re coming from. My child too gets long illnesses, even a simple cold lasts 3 weeks and makes the whole sleeping thing a total nightmare. No one else gets this. I also have no car so when I’m stuck at home and not able to go to normal play groups that I can walk to it is really difficult. I feel your pain. One child or a hundred, it’s hard work and you’re doing a great job as a mum.

While I think grandparents should have the their rest, I also have the privilege of my DD’s grandparents (my parents) living very close by and being extremely helpful and loving. I’d go as far to say that they are the most servant hearted, selfless people I have ever met who not only love my child as much as they possibly could but love me and my sister so much by doing literally anything they could to help us. In fact, they live to help us and make our lives easier. They see that as their purpose and role. They look after my child and my sisters children when we are at work (3 days a week). I try to make it as easy as I can do for them as much as I can.

My DDs other grandparents (my parents in law) on the other hand do the whole, “I’m so busy, blah blah”. Good for them.

I don’t think grandparents should give up everything to help and they do have their own lives, sure. But out of the two grandparenting styles ive described, I know who I would rather be when I’m a grandparent. When my DD is all grown up and sleep deprived, when she comes asking for help I hope I will already be on her doorstep being thankful to be asked and so important in her life.

YANBU!!!! Xxxx

I think it's mean exposing grandparents to viruses. Why should they get it too. I'd also be making my excuses until the child is better. My mother made herself scarce when there was flu or norovirus around. I remember feeling very alone but unfortunately that was the way it was.

you have a husband and yes, he has a contract, but it is his child also. I would question why he can not give you a break. As fro the grandparents, a tummy bug for the older generation is just as serious as for the very young. I understand you are tired, but this is a conversation with your husband. why is your work lesser? The priority should be for both parents. It is difficult. I think any person driving 4 hours to help, even once a month, is very kind. Our family live 11 hours be plane away. Don't blame the extended family, look at your own house.

I think YABU!,

Sounds like you had a lot of help and support in the start and your now angry at you mother for living her life, you and you husband had a child not her. You need to suck it up it won't last forever.

My son spent and entire month in the hospital, I didn't leave his side for the entire month, didn't get hardly any sleep heck didn't even see day light for most of it. No one offered to take a shift or take some of the burden, no one. You know why I was angry at?, no one because he is my responsibility.

You sound a little entitled right now, your child is your responsibility, nobody elses. I live at home with my mother and still wouldn't expect her to help or get upset if she didn't so I definitely wouldn't expect somebody to drive 4 hours, I make it pretty clear that she only does what she wants, when she wants with him and isn't obligated to do anything but i also make it clear that anything she does do is really appreciated. They are grandparents so they have done their job, give your mum a break.

You are stressed and overtired at the moment, OP, but it sounds like, once this has passed, you need to build bridges with your mother. Just as you angry with her she is probably angry with you at the moment.

It always bothers me when people reply to someone’s post and make such harsh judgemental comments. Doesn’t matter if you agree or not, but there is no need to slate someone.

OP, obviously we don’t know the exact relationship you have with your mother and yes 4 hours is a long drive, but I am sure you know if something feels off or different. Personally I adore my children and know for sure I would drop everything to go and help if they needed me, no matter how far away I was. When my children are grown up, yes they may be adults responsible for themselves and their lives, but I am still their parent and still have responsibility to help and guide them and would gladly and willingly do that. I hope you sort things out OP.

We, as women, will continue to put women down. Not offer genuine support.

But the OP's mum is a woman, too! She got snapped at for not making an eight-hour round trip to look after her grandchild, who already has her mother there with her. People are pointing out that this is unfair.

There's a real double standard on MN regarding older women. MN will make excuse after excuse for mothers of young children, but mothers of adults (and MILs) are labelled toxic or narcissistic at the drop of a hat.

There's a real double standard on MN regarding older women. MN will make excuse after excuse for mothers of young children, but mothers of adults (and MILs) are labelled toxic or narcissistic at the drop of a hat.

I couldn't agree more. It's as if most posters think that at some point in our 50s, we all turn evil. But of course they won't. They'll be amazing MILs and mothers and do everything right when they reach that age.

Putting everything aside, your kid has a big. Isolation is best and you shouldn’t be asking anyone to risk coming near them. My kids get sick a lot, my youngest has a health condition that makes this worse why would I ask anyone for help? Why would I want others to become ill? No matter how tired I am I won’t risk others becoming unwell and spreading the bug, it’s not fair to pass it around. Your husband needs to step up, he is your support, he is already around the child when home so isn’t being out at risk he already is at risk, he needs to take time off work and look after the child while you sleep. But emotions aside it, don’t ask people for help when receiving that help puts them at risk from a bug or something else that’s catchable. How you feel doesn’t actually matter, I wouldn’t want to get sick because my kid is struggling with a kid she chose to have (all hypothetical for me as my kids are still kids) that would be down to their partner to help with and if they didn’t have one then I’d consider it if an emergency or in my younger daughters case because of how unwell it can make her. I will be sick enough times along with them through their life, I don’t want to deliberately get unwell when they have their own kids.

For what it’s worth I’m no contact with my own mum and dad and my partner is no contact with his. We wouldn’t even ask our daughters community nurses to look after her if she was unwell and we were exhausted. Basically I don’t agree with your request from a hygiene point of view more than anything else. You do come across as very entitled though and need to start figuring out how to cope before it gets harder or you choose to have more.

Get used to it. Your child, your responsibility. Why should your parents take it on? Especially if they are ill - presumably you don't want grandparents to catch it.

I never had any help with my two - either post birth or later. My MIL had them for a weekend, my Mum never, not for one hour. And certainly not when they were ill. But then my Mum had 4 children herself who all got the mumps in the space of 3 months so I think she did her bit.

Get used to it. It's being a parent.

There's a real double standard on MN regarding older women. MN will make excuse after excuse for mothers of young children, but mothers of adults (and MILs) are labelled toxic or narcissistic at the drop of a hat.

Agreed. On this very thread someone implied that the OP's mother won't deserve care in her old age if she doesn't help the OP with her kids. Because apparently when you're a woman who chooses to have a child you are obligated to not only raise that child, but also help raise her children to whatever extent she deems appropriate until you're no longer capable of doing so. Then your child can help you when you need care. If you've earned it. But just raising that child is not enough to earn it though.

I think if GP don't want to help, then they shouldn't expect care when they're older. Off to a care home they go.

This is just nasty. And I say this as someone who won’t ever be looking after their parents because I don’t talk to or see either of them.