To be really upset with my mother

[Aquamarine1029]

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

I would be very cross with my mum if she even thought this was ok. Why can't mum stay at Janes house instead, inviting someone to your home is very thoughtless and rude. I would try and tell mum that sorry but you can't have Jane stay over, if mum wants to spend a lot of time with her then suggest she stay there.

That is appallingly ride of your mother, and no, you wouldn’t be humiliating her, she has humiliated yourself. Does your mother somehow not see you as a proper adult, with opinions and wishes of your own? Tell her she can bugger off and stay with Jane herself if it’s going to be such bloody fun.

Your mother has massively overstepped the mark here. If she won’t rescind the invite, then I think you need to pick up the phone to Jane and tell her that she would be welcome e.g for a drink on Christmas Eve, but that it was a mistake on your mum’s part to invite her for the whole of Christmas as you have plans for the rest of the time. You don’t need to justify yourself.

Ring Jane and cancel, your mother has to understand that this is not acceptable. Tell your mother that you do not like Jane and don't want her over for such a special occasion.
Only straight talking will sort this out for ever. Your mother will be upset but it's your house, your family and your rules.

Call Jane and tell her yourself as soon as you can - your hospitality has been abused. Maybe suggest that your parents stay with Jane and visit you for a meal over Christmas?

Does your mother somehow not see you as a proper adult, with opinions and wishes of your own?

I really don't think she does, never mind the fact that I'm 47 fucking years old.

That’s beyond Fucking rude and I’d be raging.

I think I’d be telling your mother it’s either her or Jane for Christmas you can’t have both. Let’s see how she feels about that.

I’m raging for you!

Your mother is crazy for inviting her and utterly insane for arguing her case!

I think I would spare your mother the ‘humiliation’ and call Jane explaining your poor mother’s rapid onset dementia (embellish tale with continence issues if feeling particularly irked) then rescind your mother’s invitation!

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in

Yep, it would be for me. Because if it happens this year, it will happen again and once it becomes a "thing" your mum will push harder if you try and stop it.

YANBU and I hope you do ring Jane to cancel or change the plans.

I would call Jane (after quaffing some Dutch Courage) and explain that there had been a misunderstanding. It would be lovely to see her over the Christmas holiday at some stage, but you had other plans and commitments for the main three days and apart from that, staying over was not practical for you.

Sorry dm that doesn't work for me. Shall I ring Jane?
And bloody well ring her. Even if it's an apology for the misunderstanding on your dm's part...
Or dm can go to Jane's if she is soooo amazing can't she! No way accept this op...

Oh my God I would be spitting feathers! That is so unbelievably rude of your mother! Never mind Jane's, I think I'd be rescinding your mother's invite! Absolutely dreadful behaviour from your mother. I think you need to make it clear to your mum that if she doesn't tell Jane then you will, only she won't have any control over what you say to bloody Jane!

@meredithgrey1

Interestingly, my mother had form for this kind of thing when I was in my late teens. She would "volunteer" me for things without discussing it with me first. It didn't go on long because I put a very firm end to it. Why she would do this now is absolutely beyond me. I can't imagine what on earth she was thinking.

I'd be livid. I'd definitely want to rescind the invite but whether I actually would, I don't know. I think I'd have to. Two nights is too much.

You could say your mother didn't realise that both of your children are home this Christmas so actually you don't have as much room as your mother thought... And you've planned to spend some 'family time' whilst you can grab it (you know how young people are when they've got their own adult lives)... But you'd be delighted if she could still join you on [pick a day].

Good luck!

I would phone Jane and say there has been a misunderstanding and your mother meant to say that she wishes to stay with Jane for the 3 nights as its all v busy with you. Offer maybe to pay for a taxi so they can come visit for a day!

To make this appalling situation even more fun, I haven't even told my husband yet, and he is NOT going to be happy. My husband is the kind of person who likes nearly everyone, but he is not a fan of Jane's.

Truly, I could slam my face into a wall right now I'm so angry.

If I was you, I would phone Jane and say that I am afraid my mother is getting a bit confused in her old age and that you have not invited Jane over Christmas. Or if you want, say that the invitation should have been for dinner/tea/visit at X time instead.

Fuck that. I wouldn't mind her popping in on Boxing Day but that would be it.

Bloody cheek!

YANBU
She's done that thing where she's forgotten you're a separate person and is acting as if you and your home are an extension of herself. I'd be livid too. Ring Jane now while you're still angry enough to do it! Because if it was me I'd probably seethe for several days and then lose the courage

I’d be furious. Have you actually got room for another random adult to stay over at your house?

Shame if dh rang Jane ASAP while you were on the loo. Sure he would be happy to take the 'blame' if you don't want to?!

I would be fucking fuming . Call Jane now , explain what others have said, plans etc . If you don't say anything it will eat away at you and ruin your family Christmas. If your mother doesn't like it , well she knows where Jane lives

I’d be well hacked off. That’s unbelievable.

I think “the spare room is just a storage space at the moment and mum didn’t realise so it’s not really practical for anyone to stay there, sorry Jane” is the way to go re overnight stays. Prob better if your mum rang her but if not you can.

Jane can always have your mum to hers to stay if she wants a pyjama party.

Re all three days, that seems way too much to me. Perhaps you could tell your mum that Jane can’t come for all three.
If Jane is on her own she could come Christmas Day for a few hours around the meal, (giving you all family time alone all morning and evening), Jane and your Mum could go out to lunch somewhere that’s open on Boxing Day (you could volunteer to drive them if your mum doesn’t drive or wants a glass if vino), and you could drop Mum at Janes house on Christmas Eve if they want to catch up there.

The ‘spare room storage’ thing buys you family time without embarrassing anyone. It leaves you free to dictate what time she can come round.

I’d be priming your mum that she better not go OTT with offers of ‘come at dawn and stay til midnight’ shite, agree timing with her before she phones Jane.

It’s nice to keep in touch with friends and it nice not to leave them alone at Christmas but three days is a lot. Jane maybe doesn’t want to come that much too but doesn’t like to say!

Good luck!