To be really upset with my mother

[Aquamarine1029]

For context, my parents travel to my home every year for Christmas, and by coincidence, one of my mother's close friends from her uni days lives about 10 minutes away from me. "Jane" is fairly pleasant, but for the most part she's hard work. When my parents visit throughout the year, we will invite Jane over for lunch or dinner several times so the can catch up. Whenever my mother is with her there's a very odd dynamic where my mum is constantly fussing about to make sure Jane is ok. Did I buy the kind of water Jane likes? Did you ask Jane if she's too warm/too cold? Don't use too much garlic because Jane doesn't like it, as nauseam. It's very tiresome.

Anyway, I was very much looking forward to a quiet Christmas with my parents, (I'm and only child), husband and our 2 young adult children, especially given that last year our son couldn't be home because he was abroad for work.

I have just been informed, 20 minutes ago, that my "darling" mother has invited Jane for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day AND Boxing Day. It gets even better because this offer includes Jane staying over for 2 nights. She lives 10 fucking minutes away! My mother said it will be "more fun" that way.

She invited Jane to MY home and didn't even discuss it with me. I'll be honest, I'm furious. I know it's important to be charitable and kind, but right now FUCK THAT. I feel really taken advantage of, to be honest.

So now I have to decide if this is the hill I want to die in and cause WWIII by calling Jane myself and putting an end to it. My mother has flatly refused to rescind the invitation because Jane has already accepted and my mum would be "humiliated."

Of course, my mother and I had quite an argument, and apparently I'M the one being inconsiderate and selfish. AIBU to be supremely fucked off?

I feel like my blood pressure is going to shoot straight through my roof. Rant over, thanks for letting me vent.

I still remember with a slightly blissful smile on my face the time my mother informed me that she'd invited herself to come and 'support me' during something extremely stressful and meaningful to me and my family, and I finally grew a backbone and said, 'no Mum, that's not possible, sorry'. She didn't speak to me for two weeks. It was sooo peaceful.

Two years later she'd stopped sulking about it. Never pulled any shit like that again though.

@dexterslockedintheshedagain

I have no idea who your Yoni Masseur is, but I can only recommend Roy! (He massages north, south, east and west).

Cross post. I didn’t update before posting. No surprise that she doesn’t like hosting. Literally translated as can’t be arsed. If she had any respect for any of you she would reciprocate either by inviting you to her home or to a restaurant.

No, just no. You don't want and you don't have to. WTF was your mum thinking?!

I think that it was very rude of your mum, but then I don't know how you've put up with inviting Jane for so many years.

It seems to have become so accepted that I guess your mum thought that she might as well invite her & you wouldn't mind.

If she'd have asked you would probably have said yes!

Get it cancelled.

If the want to they can go to Jane or give you a miss & invite her to theirs!

Also, stop treat Jane like an empress every time you do invite her over, she can eat what’s served!

No from me! And I think when someone is so bossy then I’d really cut it down. I’d say Christmas Eve or Boxing Day dinner. No overnight stays. If she doesn’t like it, tough!

I think I would say to mum either you call Jane and take back the invite maybe suggest she stays there 1 of the nights or you will call her and explain that you would love her to come for a drink Xmas eve or Boxing Day but Xmas day is already planned.

Do you have Jane’s tel. I would ring her and explain that your mum has got the wrong end of the stick in inviting her. Say you don’t have room for her, but it might be nice for her to Bob over on Boxing Day for a drink. If you’re not keen on her anyway it won’t matter if you offend her. After you’ve done that you can ring your mum and re arranged it so Jane comes on Boxing Day for a couple of hours. If she doesn’t like it she can go and spend Christmas with Jane. Your mum has a cheek! All these Christmas posts make me grateful I don’t have parents to worry about! Good luck. Be strong. It’s your house and your Christmas 💐

@LovePoppy

Also, stop treat Jane like an empress every time you do invite her over, she can eat what’s served!

Oh I don't, trust me. My mother is the one who works herself into a lather. Jane says what I cook or she doesn't eat.

*eats

I think I would tell your mother it's better if she spends Christmas with Jane instead, as you and your husband/family feel you need a quiet Christmas. Or go away somewhere and leave them to it. What a bloody nerve your mother has.

I cant help but think shes alone over christmas. Isnt that the whole point?

Someone has been inconsiderate and selfish and it wasn't you OP. I'd give your mum one last chance to make this right by telling her that if she doesn't ring Jane by tomorrow night then you will. Decide what invitation you want to extend to Jane (for me the easiest meal is the Boxing day buffet so I would make it that one). As Jane lives so close there's no reason why your mum can't go there to catch up or they can meet up somewhere for coffee. It's not your responsibility to provide a venue for your mum's socialising. It's also not your problem that it's awkward, it's going to be less awkward to get out of it than it would be to have an unwanted house guest for three days.

Call her now before you loose your courage. Explain it was a simple mistake but you would love to see her for Christmas dinner just like other years.

Perhaps your mum could stay with her if they wanted to spend a few days together. You would be happy to pick them up.

My DM used to offer me up as the social sacrificial lamb. Much later she admitted that she hated saying no to people so would say yes on my behalf.

Thats incredibly rude of your mother to do that, it's simply not on to invite somebody else to the house you are visiting.

Maybe say to your Mum 'We're planning on doing X on so-and-so day which isn't really your cup of tea so why don't you go and see Jane on that day? I know it won't work for this Xmas but to set a precedent in the future?

Have you considered going away for Christmas?

My mum has ignored my boundaries in similar ways.

All the standard advice is geared towards dealing with abusive mothers or narcissistic mothers, but my mother is a people pleaser, except to me. I am a tool for her to people please.

Before my m&d's 50th wedding anniversary i specifically asked her not to sit me next to jane 1 and jane2. Two women that my mum seems to feel a bit sorry for. Not sure if they need her pity. But on her anniversary party she used me to make them feel involved. I had asked her not to sit with jane1 and jane2 and she looked irritated but didnt say 'ok ok' so a day later i asked again "please dont put me beside them" and i got there, and who was i beside????

I also felt so angry. I was 48. I am not her people pleasing tool.

She is not an abusive person but she has no idea why that was so hurtful to me. To be ignored, so she could make 2 women who dont mean much to her feel included. I was cross and she was cross i was cross.

She has never explained her thinking. I had to figure it out.

Good luck. I would ring jane in yr shoes. She has necer invited u to her home so how offended could she possibly be? Amyway, sounds like yr mother is trying to show her how perfect everything is.

I just told my husband. His only response was, "Oh dear", and then he poured himself a big glass of wine.

Could you call her and remove the invite for Christmas Eve as you have plans. Maintain the goodwill to all at Christmas and invite her for Christmas lunch arriving at a time you specify. Then you need to remember that if you do call her, you’ve not got to give a big monologue speech you can actually talk to her and hopefully steer the conversation towards also not staying over, you could act like your mum didn’t relay the full message about the staying over. Good luck and hold firm, your mum might be a bit miffed but you can handle this with Jane and she hopefully won’t be too upset because you’ll be so nice about it.

Well Christmas is going to be fucked for someone- either your mum will be hurt and offended, or you will be resentful and your husband will be darkly muttering about bad pennies (or whatever he does when this sort of thing happens). Since you know there is no perfect solution, you might as well just please yourself and insist that the invitation is revoked. If your mum won't do it then you will have to, but since she extended the invitation, she should be the one to cancel it.

Your OP made me shudder a bit because it reminds me of my mother's friend, Creepy Linda. My husband would leave home rather than spend Christmas with her though! We did have one hideous,rude old relative who came to our house every Christmas for years, until one day we realised that each of us had tolerated her because they thought the other one liked her! It caused a proper scandal in the family, but MrCarpet's siblings took it in turns to invite her for a few years, until they found out that she wasn't as rich as they thought, and had done equity release on her house. I did snigger a bit when I found out about that, she'd had them fetching and carrying for her for years on the back of veiled hints about inheritance.

I’ll be honest with you- I’m 29 and haven’t got a living parent.
My last existing parent died suddenly recently.

Yes it must be annoying for you, but considering this could be the last xmas you ever get to have with them, just suck it up- they clearly come as a package.

However, stop pussy footing around and doing everything ‘she’ likes. She’s not family and if she isn’t happy or comfortable at your house, she should just go home.

It’s that simple.

You need to call Jane and tell her that you're sorry but you will only be able to host her on Boxing Day. If she says something like "but your mother said..." you need to tell her that your mother's invitation was made without your knowledge and repeat that you will be unable to host her any other day.

And then you need to tell your mother that you spoke to Jane. It may start WWIII, but you really, REALLY, need to draw a line here. Your mother is going far beyond the line, and if you don't put an end to this now there's no telling how far she'll go.

So Jane has come over to you and been waited on for many years and is planning on spending three days with you over Christmas, but she has never once returned the favour?!?! Cheeky fucker!

If she is that bothered about being on her own, then she can host! Unbelievable they expect you to host all three days and overnight too?!

No, just no!